


Loved In Spite of Ourselves

by Breathable_Air



Series: It's Hammertime [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Body Modification, Cancer, Collegestuck, Depression, Drugs, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, First Love, Full of Angst, Gay, Humanstuck, Love, Love Confessions, Lung Cancer, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mention of abuse, Possible Character Death, Requited Love, Unrequited Love, possible longfic, possible trigger warning, self injury, selfharm, wow thats a lot of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-10 02:39:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 61,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breathable_Air/pseuds/Breathable_Air
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(OH MY GOD I'M SO PICKY ABOUT THIS SUMMARY)<br/>This fic is an entirely angsty gay college au cliche, but don't worry there's some shitty humour along with hot ships.<br/>Johndave /pepsicola /whatever you wanna call it is the main ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Roommate, The Boy, and The Bathroom

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I'm writing other fanfiction when one actually demands my attention... BECAUSE ITS MORE FUN?? also I took this up mainly to try writing as a character with a fatal issue and to johndave. I'm never not doing that though.

Your name is Dave Strider. You have been physically diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer and some of the side effects of all cancer include depression which you have been mentally diagnosed with, but you’re recovering from both. Your brother has been your guardian for as long as you can remember and he’s been handling it well enough. He paid for a surgery about 4 months ago and is now paying for your chemotherapy. He never made you go to a support group, except he decided it was best to homeschool you when he found out. You didn't mind at first, but as time passed he begun to annoy the hell out of you and you wanted nothing more than to leave. And so you that’s what you did.

You headed to a college in Wisconsin which would be quite a change of pace from Texas where you grew up. When you arrived at the end of August you could already feel the lower temperature. Though you felt a little out of your element, you didn't look like it. You had always worn long sleeves or sweatshirts, Anything to cover your arms, and aside from a slight accent there was no big sign or cowboy hat to indicate where you’re from. A group of boys however, kindly reminded you that you look like a "fag" (probably the black skinny jeans and the sweepy hair) as you entered you're assigned dormitory. You found your floor and then your room number and knocked. 

No answer. You opened the door and found yourself a little peeved that someone could've opened the door but instead the boy stayed sitting at his computer blocking the only window, which meant even less sunlight. "Hey," you said loudly "I knocked but..." you noticed the large headphones and went over and tapped on the side of them. 

A boy with floppy brown hair looked over his small thick brown glasses at you, with heterochromatic eyes of brown and blue, sizing you up and down before lifting his hands from the keyboard and taking off his headphones. "What." He said it as less of a question and as more of a recording. 

"I'm the new roommate." 

He smirked and then, swear to god, he said, "You're cuter than the last one." 

You blinked furiously, glad that he couldn't see past your shades and said idiotically enough, "Did you just...?" 

He nodded picking his headphones back up and said yep. You watched his fingers glide through the keys as if it were his own home. Which it very well might be as you noticed quickly that he spent almost every second on it, leaving it only for necessities. 

After you set yourself up, which didn't take long since you didn't bring much, just your music shit, a crappy sword, medication that you kept hidden, bed sheets and other various things, you fell asleep. So of course you woke up early, changed, pausing every time your roommate moved in his sleep, took some of that medication, and went out to find your classes. You weren't going to talk to any teachers or try to make friends though, as disappointed as your brother and doctor and psychiatrist would be. Which was pretty much everyone in your life. 

Your first few classes were easy enough to find, but then you had to delve a little deeper into campus and the wind seemed to pick up in there practically knocking you over since you didn’t have much weight on your bones. You took shelter immediately in the building closest to you. Inside were yellow lights that bounced off of about twenty pieces of college art that was trying so hard to mean something and to be something that you were a little disgusted at the sight of it. You heard a scream from the room around the bend and inched forward to get a look inside. Gladly, it wasn't a murderer and there was no real danger it was just acting. There were about six kids on a slightly raised part of the floor that must've been their stage and one girl was pacing in front of them as they continued their scene.

Which turned out not to be a scene but an actual argument between the director and the lead. You heard scraps of their conversation and grew upset with the lead.

"I'm not doing the best acting because this story is so unrealistic!"

The directors turn, "No! Its not the story! Its you! You don't understand it and you're not even trying!" 

"How am I supposed to try? Huh? Walk into a mental institute and ask anyone if they see they're dead son?" 

"No, but maybe something like that. Ask your friends there has to be someone you know with a mental illness. Its not all that uncommon and unless you can begin to understand this story I will ask someone else to be the lead." 

She stood with her mouth open and her eyebrow twitching like any moment she’d be able to understand. But they aren't easy to understand. You feel a little nervous like she might suddenly have a mental illness detector and she’d pick you up on it, so you fall back into the hall way with the art. And seeing the bathroom, you figure you should probably pee before you head out again. 

You stood in front of the mirror after washing your hands. Just staring at your reflection, thanking god (or whoever) that you haven’t been losing hair and you’re already two cycles in to the chemo. This could all be over soon, you wouldn’t have to feel so tired or cough up anymore blood and you wouldn’t have anymore headaches or nausea it could be gone and maybe one day just a memory.

Just then another boy walked in and you noticed immediately that he was fully prepared to use the restroom since he already had his pants unzipped. He reddened immediately, turning his front to the wall and fidgeting with his hands to fix the problem. You walked past him not even faltering, though it was quite embarrassing for you too and walking down the hall you noticed the lead walk past you in quite a hurry. Right into the boys bathroom where you remembered the struggling boy. Then there was a scream for the second time today; this time it was a guys. You walked back with a bit of a rush in time to see the girl sucking on the boy with one hand over his mouth and her other hand pulling his waist closer to her.

He looked like he could take her... You suspect it was more of a mental fear than actually being overpowered physically since there was moisture gathering in the boys eyes. Which then flickered to you in shock and with a plea so you began to cough loudly and walked in. It was nice to know that she had some common knowledge because she straightened up right away, checked her lipstick in the mirror nonchalantly, waved goodbye to the boy, and walked out briskly. 

The boy crumpled to the ground, after having fixed himself, and breathed raucously. He looked up at you with the most red face, which made his black rimmed glasses stand out suddenly. You hadn't noticed them before because you were entranced by his eyes that were as light and blue as the air. Or the fact that his dick was out both times you'd seen him. Anybody's guess. 

He weakly turned the corner of his mouth up at you and said his first actual words. "Thank you. Like a lot." 

You leaned against the wall beside him and recognized an insane urge to be really close to him and to know him and to comfort him. And then you thought about how it would all be so pointless and so sad if things went wrong. But then again everybody dies. You looked down at the top of his black hair that was tousled in every direction and felt his hair was absolutely cliché for a quirky rom com and you wondered if you could ever play the love interest.

You slip down the wall and sit right next to him. Not saying anything, still just listening to his breathing. He didn't get that you were having a quiet moment however and said "I have embarrassed myself an outrageous amount in front of you. So. Um. Maybe we don't tell anyone about this." He looked at you hopefully.

"Who would I tell? And what would I even say 'yeah I saw this guy getting sucked off in the bathroom by this really hot chick' the only person who’d get laughed at would be me unless maybe I knew your name. Even then they'd probably just be like 'yeah he scored. Didn't know the nerd had it in him.' You know how they are."

He opened his mouth and then squinted, "Wow, already calling me a nerd when you hardly know me. My names John." He stuck his hand out to you for a handshake and you put out a fist for a bump. 

"I'm Dave" you say, you're voice trembling slightly at what this means. 

"Are you okay?" He asked and you quirk your eyebrows.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that. You just went through some trauma. How'd that happen anyway? One moment you're waving your dick at me and the next you’re getting sucked by banshee." 

He seemed a little lost and embarrassed about his situation, but he didn't stall. "She's my stepsister." 

You sat there taking it in a moment and then said, "You don't have to tell me I'm a total stranger. In fact its unwise.” 

He stood up and said "I don’t know. There’s something about you. We should probably leave." He wiped his hands on his pants and then offered it to you. You took it but didn't pull too much, despite the fact that you could’ve used it. You were a little disappointed at the short lived relation as you both stepped out of the bathroom. He started walking down the hall and you only allowed yourself to look a little before turning and pushing the outside door open. The wind was really blowing so you pulled your hood up and shoved your hands in your pockets, the wind whistling loudly in your ear. You didn't feel like pulling out your class list again, so you decided to find a dining hall for some food. Or a chain restaurant, whatever came first.

There a came a tap on your shoulder and you turned, hoping to see John and feeling stupid that you felt that way... "Hi," a small tan girl with large circular glasses said in a Hermione Granger voice, "could you tell me where the theatre is?" You pointed at the only theatre you knew, which was the one you had just come out of, and low and behold, there was John doing this half sprint half walk to you as the small girl walked past him. He had a large black rectangular case on his back.


	2. Lets Really Get to Know Each Other!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was honestly expecting more hits and I am sorely taken down a peg on my ego ladder Though it was more of an ego step stool to begin with. BESIDES ME BEING NARCISSISTIC. You should play a fun game called count the beatles plugs and other running gags and I think I'm possibly having too much fun writing this like its all I think about and I hope I continue it (even though there's pisspoor editing being done) unlike some other projects... That I should be working on...

"Hey," he said, "They don’t really need me for the rest of rehearsal, so…” you could see over his shoulder that the girl, his stepsister apparently, was arguing with the director and the small tan girl just inside the building. The building she seemed to be itching to leave. She glanced in your direction, at John and you figured you should stick with him, even though the situation was uncomfortable. 

“You cold?” he asked, “You’re shivering pretty bad and I don’t have a coat to offer you, we should go somewhere warm. Maybe even drink something warm. Like coffee?” Wow. that was pretty much college speak for ‘DATE’ this kid had balls and apparently he liked them too.

John took you down the block to a line of little food places. About five of them were coffee related and weirdly enough John passed them all. “I thought we were getting coffee? Are you kidnapping me?”

He chuckled, “I want to take you to the place that makes the good stuff.”

You were getting a little weak from all the walking and considered turning back now, telling him you had something to do but then he said “Here. This is the great place.” He was gesturing at a little shop tucked into the trees and as you walked the little gravel path leading up to the stone building you read in the orangish light “The Coffee Corner”. Opening the door, a brick wall of heat slammed into you and for the first time in your life you felt like rolling up your sleeves or taking your shirt off. A little woman with grey and white hair popped her head up from behind the counter with two cups. “What would you like?” She asked as if she were your mother and you had already asked her for a drink. 

John replied “Two coffees,” but you touched his shoulder and whispered “hot chocolate”. His eyes practically danced out of his skull and he said “Actually, one coffee, one hot chocolate.” She smiled and turned her back to you both. He offered you the chair you were standing next to and then sat on the opposite side of a table so small your knees almost touched. You considered letting them, but didn’t. Your body shivered as it settled into the warmth. He looked at you with a certain softness in his eyes that you were all too familiar with. Shouldn’t you be the one giving him that look? You witnessed a very embarrassing moment after all why is he the one taking the lead?

“You’re not from here, are you?” Oh. Thats one of the reasons. 

“Is it obvious?”

He smirked. “No, but with a trained eye like mine I started to notice.” 

It was your turn to smirk. But you didn’t have it in you. “I’m from Texas actually.”

“Huh, I wouldn't have guessed that far away.”

The conversation dropped because you didn’t have a reply, but you wanted to keep talking.

“So.” you paused considering whether you should bring it up. “The elephant in the room? Or more the bathroom?”

His face pinked up and he rubbed the back of his neck, “Maybe we don't talk about that just yet.”

“Then what are we going to talk about? Why are we talking at all?” 

“Because it’s fun.” He stood up and crossed the small amount of floor to the counter, grabbed the two beverages, poured some milk into his coffee, grabbed two packets of sugar and payed for them. (Yeah. Qualifies for a date.)

“Okay, so ask me anything you want to know about me. Except that one thing.” he instructed, ripping open one of the packets.

You thought quickly and said, “What’s in the black case?” It was leaning against the large window you were in display of, though no one would see this place past all the trees anyway.

“My keyboard. I play it for the musical. Do you play any musical instruments?”

“Turntables.” Your mouth managed to turn up in the corner.”Have you always lived here?”

“Yeah me and my dad.” He hesitated then said “And my step family. What’s your family like?”

“It’s just me and Bro who’s my legal guardian, but he was too overbearing so I came here. What’s your major?”

“Film Studies. You?”

“Speech and Rhetorical studies, but I’m thinking of changing it. You live in the dorms?”

“No, me and some friends live together in an apartment downtown though. Not too far away. So I guess you live in the dorms?”

“Yeah, with a computer geek who’s already made a pass at me. Ever been hit on by a guy?”

“Um. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being hit on or if I’m just full of myself. Have you ever hit on a guy?”

Getting to the tough stuff. Great. “Yeah I guess. Do you study a lot?”

“Heh. Yeah.” He didn’t ask a question. And you’re pretty sure when he said ‘yeah’ he wasn’t just answering your question.

In bed that night you thought about what you always think about.

The doctors said everything was going great and you wanted to just believe them, but everybody knows you don’t always make it. You just had to sit back and let it be. You’re glad you got out of that apartment, but you’ve realized it wasn’t what was holding you back. Considering you could start to die (more rapidly again) any moment there was almost no reason to do your homework. Except the great possibility of life, and boredom.

You had been here a week and nothing out of the ordinary has happened. You’d been attending all your classes, your roommate has been on his computer and you’ve been thinking a lot. You haven’t seen John since that first day and there was no chance of running into him in the dorms. You kept your eyes peeled on campus since he could pass you on the way to class and you didn’t want to miss it. 

Finally, in the large lecture hall of your english class you saw him. He was passing by outside the door and you had to resist the temptation to hop down the steps fling the door open and hug him. Class was let out only a minute later and there was a possibility you could find him. You stepped out into the lobby, not seeing him you stepped outside. You scanned the tops of everyones head but none of them were Johns coal black hair sticking out in three different directions. You gave up and walked to your dorm instead. You felt a headache coming on so you laid down on your bed immediately. 

“Hey,” your roommate said, which practically frightened your soul, “Your boyfriend was here. What a shame really, we had so many pros: we’re already roommates. Thats all I can think of right now but its a damn good pro.”

“Wait, John was here?”

“Yeah and he left you a note”

**Go to the coffee corner and leave your schedule with the woman there. we’ll figure something out :B**

The note gave you new hope and you felt recharged, except for the headache pulling at your nerves and the question of how the hell did he know where my dorm was? Your roommate seemed talkative today so you decided to try him.

“So, I never did get your name…?”

“Jeez Dave, how inconsiderate of you. You couldn’t have even read the sheet they mailed with my name printed on it. Heartless.” You noticed for the first time that he had a bit of a lisp and for some reason it made him seem more arrogant than he was. Which would be pretty arrogant. “My name is Sollux.” He didn’t even look away from the computer screen so you just stared at his exposed head (no headphones today) and thought 

_what the fuck kind of name is Sollux?_

“Alright Sollux,” _so weird,_ “Tell me about you. Lets really do some bonding. Soon we’ll be sharing blankets and toothbrushes. Oh, and secrets, like omg who do you like?” 

This sarcastic tactic actually managed to get his attention. He turned in his chair to face you and said “There was this one girl. Until of course there was another girl.” The corner of his mouth turned up.

“So, are you with one of the girls now or…”

“Nope. I wasn’t good enough and now I have neither.”

This subject was getting more personal than you intended it to be, but you were really happy that he was talking so you didn’t call it off.

“Wow, can’t believe people aren’t knocking on our door right now, knowing you’re single.”

“I told them all to stay away because I’m trying to get lucky with my roommate.”

Your eyebrows shot up immediately above your shades. You knew you were both flirting but more subtle than that. He’s said what you were both thinking and now you have to respond. You grip the note from John tighter in your hand and smile. “Sorry you probably won’t be getting lucky tonight, your roommate’s busy chasing after some guy.”


	3. What Goes Up Must Come Down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually can't stand waiting to update this, but I don't have enough material to just update willy nilly like right now : ) And of course my usual obligations to apologize for poor editing and improper characterization. Feel free to criticize constructively.

It was a monday morning unlike the comics. You felt no hatred towards waking up, in fact you welcomed it because you knew that in the afternoon you’d be meeting John at the coffee corner. Scratch that. You thought you’d meet him there but he started walking with you right after your speech class. “Dude,” He said sternly, “Do you not own any jackets or sweatshirts? Next time I’ll remember to bring one to give to you, I thought you’d’ve learned your lesson by now.”

“I own sweatshirts.” You said.

“But do you ever _wear_ them?”

“Sure, but why would I pass up the sweet opportunity to possibly wear one of yours?” He rubbed the back of his neck when you said that and the smallest smile appeared on his face.

In The Coffee Corner your order remained the same everyday for the following week. He’d start walking with you right after one of your classes and when you got there you’d just talk. You learned that his father was well off with money and had some important job with the college. He did a week of errands for his father in order to find out your dorm room. His father married an attractive woman about a year ago and she and her daughter, Vriska came to live with them until the woman left. Vriska has been sexually abusing him since she moved in and he hates her. He hates that she got the lead in the musical he had already been apart of (which was called ‘Next to Normal’), but he was more than happy that her vicious personality got her kicked out. There was a new girl called Jade who took her part. He doesn’t have to see Vriska except when she comes by to rehearsals, but she doesn’t talk to him she talks to Jade. 

He also learned stuff about you though you tried not to share much. He learned little things first, like your favorite beverage is apple juice and that you think your bro did something in the smuppet porn industry and you hate those things, but he made enough money to support you both. You tried to talk about everything that wasn’t cancerous. You even told him about Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff before you _told_ him.   
~

On Sunday you both realized The Coffee Corner did, in fact, have hours and that they were closed on sundays. So, much to your displeasure he suggested you keep walking. You pulled energy from every moment he looked at you and charged your heart enough to pick up your foot again.

“I hate thinking I know something so well and then it turns out I don’t even know the first thing about it. We went to The Coffee Corner for an _entire_ week and each day the hours were posted on that window we _always_ sat next to and we didn’t even bother to look at them.” He said with a bit of frustration.

“Bro. It doesn’t matter when it’s something so insignificant. You’re acting like you just found out you’re married to your father or that bread makes you fat.”

“Ugh. But that’s the problem.” He said, completely ignoring your helpful analogies, “What if one day my range of insignificant becomes wider? Then I’ll be just like my dad thinking his kids welfare is insignificant. I have to be more observant.” He exhaled then quirked his eyebrow and looked at you out of the corner of his eye.

“We talk about me waaay too much, Dave. I hardly know anything about you except that you’re obsessed with apple juice!”

“Hey! It’s not an obsession! I can quit anytime I want!”

He smiled at you with all his stupid teeth showing. It wouldn’t be attractive to most people if they saw it in pictures or out of context, but right now with it directed at you and only you, with the sheer _intention_ of being seen by you, you felt yourself weaker than ever. And not just because you had been walking for longer than you had since you’re condition was declared. 

The smile softened and melted into your memory just as sweet as liquidated love, “Really just talk to me. What’s your life like when you’re not with me?” _Nothing_.

You told him. Not just because his oversized smile made you, but because you honestly wanted him to know. You wanted to be close to this boy that made you feel like surviving yourself. You began building a large leaf pile in a park as you told him about when you were diagnosed. How your bro cried when he never does and you entered a point of hopelessness in your life so you had to start seeing someone for that. (You assured him multiple times that you were doing better. That you bother getting dressed, taking showers and eating now. That you’re practically stable and normal. No one can tell anymore.) There was a surgery recently that they said went smoothly, but you have a tough time trusting the doctors. And now you're doing chemotherapy and tomorrow you have to go back down to Texas to start your next cycle, so you won’t be able to go to The Coffee Corner with him. 

Your leaf pile was huge now and you both sank into it in the middle of the park. You were quiet, but the trees and the children were not. You could hear their laughter up the hill and the wind running through all the branches stopping to shake each leaf to test it’s Endurance. Some had already given up like the ones you laid on now making a cocoon of ‘shh’ noises between you and John. The sun drooped around you and an involuntary shiver passed through you.

“Are you getting cold? You wanna go home?” His voice startled you. It felt like hours you had been sitting in silence. Had you?

“Yes and no.” 

“I told you I don’t have a sweatshirt for you to borrow.”

You gave a puff of air as a laugh and said, “I know that. I’m not trying to get you to do anything for me. Pity isn’t my style. I’m cooler than that.”

“So cool. More like you’re _cold_. Actually I’m sorry for that joke, but it’s not pity. I want to… do something for you.” 

He scooted closer to you then in the leaf pile and merged your small separate worlds to become something bigger. You lean your forehead on his trying to steal his warmth and to feel his soul. You lean in more and feel his breath swirling and mingling with your own. You move slowly, annoyed and appreciative of the beating of your heart. Every millimeter of movement feels like trying to move the Himalayas and the crunching of the leaves pushed through your shirt to your bare skin making it all the more obvious every part of you was, to put it eloquently, _raw as fuck_. You’re so close then. He turns his head. He pretends to see something in the sky that you cannot. The pounding on your chest hurts.

He stands up and says, “It’s getting late. We should leave.” He begins walking in a direction you’re unfamiliar with.

“John.” You say and he turns to you, more distance between you now, with those few steps, than there had been all day. “Where are you going?” 

“My apartment is this way.”

“... I know you’re trying to make a quick get away from the awkward situation, believe me that sounds great, but I’m not sure how to get back from here.”

“Jesus, Dave. Fine, let’s get something warm from my apartment and then I’ll take you back.”

His apartment building was tall, so thank god he was on the ground floor. It was shared by two other guys so you entered to a mess. John went into mother mode and began picking things up. Only one of his roommates was home. His name was Tavros. He seemed kind of quiet and dorky and he also happened to be in a wheelchair. So you of course asked him if it worked. Which meant a stuttered answer of yes followed by an even shakier ‘why do you want to know?’.

John threw you a blue sweatshirt, pulled one over his head too, and you started walking again.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” You finally said, trying to undo what you did.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Yes he does.

“John. Remember the leaf pile? The sunset? Me trying to kiss you…? Anything?”

He didn't say anything and just kept walking.

“You not letting me kiss you? You pretending it didn't happen? That’s right now by the way.”

“Nothing did happen it was just a leaf pile.” Ah yes, more pretending.

“I wouldn't say _nothing_.”

“Well, I would Dave. Would you just drop it?”

You were slightly hurt that he was trying to brush this off as nothing and that he was getting angry at you for no reason. He’s the one who wanted to hang out for a week straight, He’s the one who always picks you up from your class, He’s the one who wanted to know all about you, and He’s the one who scooted closer in that leaf pile. You’re practically positive he likes you unless this is just an obligatory college thing that happens when two bros meet in a bathroom.

“I’m not going to pretend nothing happened because something _did_ happen. I tried to kiss you. I tried to show you that I liked you as more than a friend. That’s something. Don’t tell me it isn’t because it’s not like breathing, I don’t do this all the time.” You said.

“I only like you as a friend, Dave.” He didn’t make eye contact.

“I don’t think you’re telling the truth.”

“Sorry, But I am! I just want to be friends, why isn’t that good enough for you? Just stay the way we are.”

“Because we both want more than this, John. I know it. It’s not good enough because I know it could be better!” The sun had completely left you now. Only the streetlamps were up to try to guide you home and even some of those were flickering.

“Stop trying to tell me what I want! That’s for me to decide! And I’ve decided I’m not gay!”   
The flickering lamp closest to you went dark.

John exhaled. “I think you can find your own way from here.” He turned and walked. You watched until you couldn’t see him anymore and the sweatshirt couldn’t keep you warm.


	4. Bumblebees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Willy McNilly I am.

You awoke to dizziness which wasn’t that uncommon, but was particularly unpleasant when you were in a bad mood like now. If it weren’t for it causing extreme discomfort you probably wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed. You took something for it and went to the bathroom, trying not to fixate on last night’s events as you took a shower and had to strip out of Johns sweatshirt. You didn’t bother folding it in a small act of defiance towards a boy who wasn’t even there. You had a plane to catch to Texas later, you’d be staying there for two days and you hadn’t even packed yet. You cursed at past you for not having known you wouldn’t want to be bothered with the mundane task today. You started rummaging through drawers for pants and shirts, first for some to wear then for some to pack. You successfully put on boxers and pants without waking Sollux, but before you could find a shirt he was turning over in bed. 

“Why are you always up so early?” He said, his voice of the day cracking at first use.

“It’s so I can do all my morning stuff in peace.”

“Yeah because I’m so loud with my clicks and clacks.” He smiled at you. “Nice chest. Wonder what the trunk looks like.”

You laughed a little and put on John’s sweatshirt that was sitting on the bed because you were insecure about how thin you were. “And so I don't have pervs watching me get dressed.” You had lost a lot of weight and people often told you you needed to eat something. _As if you hadn’t been trying._

“So.. are you packing for something?”

“Uh, yeah I have to go back to Texas for two days.”

“For what?”

“Nothing really, my Bro’s overbearing.” It was a little true, Bro was always in your business trying to like keep you alive and shit.

He eyed you suspiciously then got out of bed. You had never been around to see Sollux get out of bed before, you had a lot of early scheduled classes (they practically held a gun to your head and you were like “s’all good. I’ll do it”) and he slept in a lot. So when he got out of bed you saw his bumble bee boxers and everything. It was a short walk from his bed to the bathroom so you had to take it all in very quickly. He was a little taller than you, but he slouched and you would’ve thought he was super skinny had it not been for more recent developments in your life. His hair was the flawless bedhead that pretentious people worked for hours to achieve and he wore only the bumblebees and they did not hide much, for what they should have been hiding was twice the size of all you had seen before. Sollux just could not stick to the stereotype of asians being small. And it would just be unfair if he were a grower and a shower.

When he emerged from the bathroom you did not look his way for fear of gawking and instead continued packing. “So what is it you’re really doing down there?” He said from close behind “You can’t lie to me, Dave.” You could faintly smell sweetness like honey which you suspected was him. Why not tell the truth? Sollux is a friend too right? Apparently you were just telling all of your friends. Not that you had too many. You exhaled.

“I’m going down for chemotherapy.”

“Oh shit.” You could hear the creaking of his bed as he sat himself down. 

“Yeah.” You zipped up your bags and sat on your own bed facing him. “God, Sollux, will you put some pants on? I mean it’s like that thing is staring me in the face and it’s so hard to look away. I’m starting to feel like I should be making small talk with it like “Hey, how are you? The boxers keep you warm last night?’”

“Oh? Is it that distracting?” He sprawled out on his side propping himself up with his elbow. “Paint me like one of your french girls!” You couldn’t help it. One second the pillow was in your hand and the next second it was hitting his face. He flopped back on his bed and laughed cuddling with the pillow. “You’ll never see this pillow again.”

“What do you need my pillow for? You have like five. What? Do you keep them as trophies from people you’ve murdered? Am I in danger?” You said, getting up.

“‘No, of course not.’ That’s what I’d say if I were a murderer. Also if I wasn’t.”

You hovered over his bed now, reaching between his arms and grabbing your pillow. “I’m gonna need this back.”

“But without you who will sleep on him? I am willing to be that person.”

“Oh, so you can make him smell like you? Then he won’t know who he belongs to. Who was there for him when he came out of the plastic.”

“Please Dave, that’s all very ameteur, all the pillow needs is love.”

“Love?”

“Love.”

“Love is all the pillow needs.” You smile thanking The Beatles for providing you this moment and let go of the pillow. “Do whatever, I don’t care if he smells like honey.”

“You think I smell like honey? That’s so _sweet_.” Sollux was practically killing himself with that lame joke.

“Don’t expect me to laugh at that.” You said, smiling anyway because he’s such a geek.  
~

The chemo goes as planned and of course you feel tired and overused, especially since they just renewed your batch of tired eyes for about the next month. Your Bro asked a lot of questions mostly focused on you, but then he started asking about the cows, so you told him to shut up. And he did. For the most part. He started mumbling about ‘not loved by my own brother’ and ‘I just want to know what color a cow tongue is’.

You slept in your old bed. On the first night you realized how much you missed it and other little things like the warmth from Texas and on the second night you realized you wanted to be back in your other bed, needing a blue sweatshirt. And you missed that Sollux didn’t snore. You got out of bed since you couldn’t sleep and roamed around a little bit.You touched the papers on the fridge and grabbed some apple juice (a beverage with which you are not obsessed), you kicked a few smuppets out of the way, fist bumped lil’ cal, picked up a piece of shit sword and wandered into your brothers room. You leaned the sword against the wall and approached Bro.

“Hey,” you said quietly enough to not wake him, real stealthy, he’d be proud if he knew, “You do a lot for me and sometimes I act like a little shit when I should really be thanking you. I’m sorry I’m so ungrateful and you don’t get any reward for doing all this for me. All you get is to see me leave and I know that’s far from what you wanted, but it’s what we both needed. You need to have a life of your own again. I don’t even care if you start doing smuppet porn again. God just, y'know stop worrying about me so much. I’m gonna be fine.” You concluded whatever this was you were trying to do (An unorganized secret apology? ) and went back to your room to close your eyes until morning came. 

The flight home was quiet. No screaming babies like the first flight, so you had the opportunity to rest your eyes. Until you started to think about John and your mind had a familiar feeling of heaviness to the point where he was no longer the subject, only the trigger. He brought back the feelings of inadequacy because you were just that goddamn pathetic that you’d let him have that control over your sanity. So in order to not think about John you thought about Sollux. More particularly, How Sollux looked in nothing but bumblebee boxers. The idea that Sollux was probably in the dorm typing on his computer, not caring about anything that wasn’t on his screen, now was comforting. It was great to know there’d be bad jokes and honey smells to look forward to.


	5. Just Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Possible Trigger warning for self harm** I don't go too in depth, but I feel I should let you know.

When you came home everything was on the floors.  
“Sollux?” You yelled and turned to the bathroom door to open it. It was locked, so you pounded on the door. “Sollux If you’re in there you better answer!” You heard grunting noises from inside and a click within the door. You opened it with a shaky hand to see him sitting there on the bathroom floor. You know this position, you’d been in it before when you really saw no way out. “What the hell happened?”

“It’s nothing. Just a bad grade.” The hitch in his breath notified you that it was definitely not nothing. His legs were up in front of his face with his arms pulled through them. You tugged at his right arm gently until it was lying in your lap. You stared at the dotted red lines that bubbled up against his skin, unfurled his tight fist and found the blade you had been expecting to see. 

“Sollux…” You sighed and you pulled him into you, confiscating the razor and checking his other hand too, before holding him tighter. “Tell me.”

“You know that stupid stereotype about asian parents being strict about grades? Yeah, my dad doesn’t take that as a joke, he really enforces it. He used to use his fists to enforce it until I moved away, but he still reminds me all the time that I’ll never be good enough and that school is the only thing I can do and I can’t even do that right when I get anything less than a perfect grade. I know already! I’ve known since I was born that I’m not good enough for everyone and I don’t even come close for my dad and the pressure is driving me crazy and I’m so useless and stupid and...” He began to mumble and shake in your arms. 

After an ample amount of time you decided to get out of the bathroom, so you held him gently by his elbows and stood up slowly, leading him back to his bed. You set him down and pulled a blanket over his shoulder, sitting cross legged in front of him. You sprawled his hand out and played with his fingertips. “What was the subject? Maybe I can help I have nothing better to do.” John crossed your mind for only a second before you focused back on Sollux.

“English.”

“You’re in luck. That’s my forte.”

Instead of seeing John at the coffee corner anymore you went straight back to the dorm and sat down at Sollux’s desk with whatever he was studying. You felt need to watch him. Neither of you mentioned it much, but you didn’t dance around it. There were pros and cons to the new situation.  
Pros:  
You don’t have to walk as far  
Your grades improved  
More Sollux  
Cons:  
No more hot chocolate  
Less John  
No John

You and Sollux had developed a much closer relationship, you were comfortable together. You’d often be sitting in the same bed, you let him borrow some long sleeve shirts when he ran out, and you’d become his reliable friend at parties. You’d both go sober, but eventually Sollux would wind up drunk and you were the one to drag his sorry ass home and keep it out of trouble. The trouble never occured while he was hitting on random girls in short skirts or even when he attempted to drive, but when you finally got him into bed one night. 

You handed him a water bottle as per the drill you’d acquired having gone to multiple parties. He sipped from the top as if worrying he’d run out and there’d never be anymore.

“She was realllllly cute though!” He was whining about a girl you had pulled him off before you took him home. “I can’t believe you. There was a good good chance that she would have done it!” You didn’t think so.

“I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.”

His eyes went wide. “No no no see. You keep saying that, but then you just- you just do it again!” He put his hands out and looked at you expectantly.

“Ok, but this time I mean it. Just finish you water and go to bed.”

He kicked his legs under the blanket you had put over him. “I don’t want to go to bed!” _He’s such a child._ “I want to have sex!” _Or not._

Your palm went to your face out of instinct and when you went to stand up he grabbed your hand. “You gotta help me! I’m dying!”

“No, you’re not. You’re just horny.” It was too hard to not to give up and laugh.

“Dave. I need your help.” He looked at you with surprisingly clear eyes. Intriguing. 

You sat back down on the bed and put your arm on the other side of his legs to balance yourself as you leaned into his ear and whispered, “Do you really need my help Sollux? Or do you need me?”

“Yes yes I - I need you.” You moved your other hand up his leg and stopped just before touching anything important. 

“That must suck.” You whispered again and stood up one final time. “Sucks you’re so drunk because maybe sober I’d… you know… satisfy your needs.”

“Dave…” He groaned, still holding your wrist, “Don’t leave me!” 

“My bed’s like five feet away from you. Calm down you baby.” 

“That’s too far! Just stay with me here.” You laughed a little and he pulled you down onto the bed for the final time.

You woke up with your left leg over his legs, your arm over his waist, and both his hands on your wrist. You tried to shimmy it out of his hold so you could return to your own bed and maybe pretend you hadn't spent the night like this, but he woke up only seconds later. He let go of your hand and sat up in bed. Grabbing at his forehead he said, “Shit maybe no more parties if this is how I have to wake up. With a headache, not next to you, I’d be okay with that. And you have all your clothes so I’m pretty sure we did nothing.” 

“I didn’t get drunk like the responsible guy I am and I’m positive we did nothing. And yeah, maybe no more parties. Stopping you from making bad decisions all the time isn’t that fun.”

“What kind of bad decisions do I make?”

“Oh wow, Where to begin, Sollux? Once you tried to pee on a fire hydrant and oh there’s the big one, You trying to sleep with me?”

He chuckled and said, “Dave, I don’t know if you know this, but that’s not just a drunk decision.”

Heat gathered in your cheeks, “You also try to sleep with a bunch of people at the parties, like any girl with blinking eyes is a go for you.” 

“Yeah.” He nodded in agreement. “Please don’t let me because I don’t actually want to sleep with any of them.”

“Yeah you only want to sleep with me.”

“And I did and let me say, you are fantastic in bed. You kept me warm and managed to keep your shades on the entire time.” He smiled at you, “Do you ever take those off?”


	6. Like A Virgin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to change the rating because I couldn't help myself.

You spent the next week in since Sollux called off the partying. The day that you woke up in his bed he said “I don’t normally go to parties,” as he came out of the bathroom his body still damp, with a towel around his waist and another one he was fluffing his hair with. You looked away after cataloging the sight.

“So why were you going to them?”

“Well, at first it was to try to keep you from getting bored of me and then it was less about you and more about the parties. They were kind of addicting with all the adrenaline and all the people-”

“And all the alcohol. Sollux, that stuffs gonna ruin your mind. I like just chilling with you better. Like dude, do you know how many video games we have to play still?” He was putting on pants now, so you looked at him again, still a little wary of his barechestedness. 

“And maybe I was hoping you’d drink something and we’d be drunk and horny together. But no, you’ve got your whole ‘cancer’ thing.”

“Ha. Speaking of the whole cancer thing I have to go back down to Texas again this weekend, more chemotherapy.”

“God, when does that stop and I can just have you all to myself.” He was fully dressed now and he came and sat next to you on your bed.

“Pretty soon I think, only a few more cycles and then I should be okay.” _If the cancer takes to it._ You cringed inside yourself, but it was expected to feel this way. 

He laid down with his head on your lap and looked up at you. “You’re going to be okay.”

“Yeah, but will you?” sauve change of the subject, “I mean last time I came back home you weren’t in the best place.”

He thought before speaking, silence lingering between you before he said,“I feel a lot better since then… I mean I kind of have you.”

“Kind of.” You agreed. 

He looked away from you and to his bed or some other object in the room and said, “What ever happened to that guy you rejected me for?”

You thought for moment of all the ways you could respond. You could tell him that you’d forgotten about him, that you’d moved on and forgotten him. You could tell him that you were still chasing him. You told the truth, “He didn’t have the same ideas as me.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“He and I weren’t looking for the same thing.”

“What was the thing you were looking for?”

“Jesus Sollux, he said he wasn’t gay.” You bounced your knees to jostle his head and he sat up.

“Maybe I could be that thing you’re looking for?” He smiled at you, “I mean I’m bi though so I’m not actually gay, But I can still do all the same things as someone with a more limited sexuality, if not more.”

You smirk back at him, “Oh really Captor? Like what? Show me what you got.”

He opened his mouth and it was like you discovered Santa Claus really is real, that Abraham Lincoln isn’t the face on the penny, and that your brother was in fact back in the smuppet porn industry. His tongue was motherfucking forked and how the hell had you not noticed this before.

“Ever been blown by someone with a forked tongue?”

“Uhh, no, can’t say I have,” You watched as he bent one half up and one half down.

“Would you like to be?” 

“Nah, I think I’m okay.” You looked away from his lips then made up your mind that you were done looking away. All these quick glances were fucking stupid. You grabbed his face and said, “I would like to kiss you though.”

Your lips connected with equal force of lust and you pushed and pulled back and forth. The bed groaned underneath you with anticipation. You found Sollux pushing back a little harder as he stationed one hand behind you and you fell to the bed with him on top. Your lips moving against one another and feeling the intake of air every second you were so close. 

At some point he ran his tongue across your lip, discreetly at first and then with so much hunger. So, you let him in. His forked tongue touched your own and the shock hit you that this was actually happening. These weeks of built up flirtation had finally come to be something. Your chest squeezed and in turn you squeezed his upper arm and slid it up to the back of his neck. 

Occupied by thoughts of his mouth, you didn’t realise he had undid your pants until a cold hand touched you.

“Shit!” You swore into his mouth and jerked away from his hand. Your face was hot and you had to fix your shades. “How far do you think we’re going?”

He put his palm up to you and said, “No butt stuff. I promise.”

“Sollux I…” You stopped. What the hell was holding you back? Your boyfriend? What boyfriend? You did this stuff and more before you were diagnosed. Sollux was hot and he wanted you. And you wanted him. “Hell, Lets do this.” You ran your hands through his hair and pulled him down to meet your lips again.

This time when he grabbed you his hands were warmer and you let him. You let him pull your pants down to your ankles. You let him pull your shirt off and look at your chest. You let him trace every exposed bone on your body, first with his fingers then with his lips. You let his lips travel lower until you felt his tongue on you again. It ran up and down the length of you and thank God almighty for forked tongues because it felt as if there were two people currently working you. He took all of you into his mouth, gagging occasionally but not stopping until your thighs began to quiver. The sweat on your hands being ran through his hair each time he bobbed on you and then he stopped. He took away all his heat and kissed the innermost part of your leg.

“God, Sollux.” You practically purred and he didn’t let it go unnoticed. 

“You like that?” You blushed. There is no masculine way to describe it because you blushed like a fucking schoolgirl being asked her bra size. He placed his fingers in that tender spot on you and licked you again before getting up. You sat up to watch his movements.

“What are you…?” He was rummaging through his top drawer and then it dawned on you. _Lube. Fucking lube._ You had a small panic attack about how much energy this was going to take. What if you fainted or what if your sex drive just left before you were done? The chemo sometimes took it away, but it wouldn’t just do that to you mid- boner, right? 

He came back with a small blue bottle and you bit your lip. He spoke.“You want to stop here? I’m not going to force you to do anything, everything should be consensual so just tell me to stop and I will okay?” 

“No I’m not like some virgin or whatever I just worry about stuff sometimes.”

“Funny, Dave you seem like a total virgin to me. Why do you think I’m so attracted to you?”

A punch to the shoulder was deserved. “I think it’ll be fine just kind of go easy and be prepared to possibly stop.”

“Like blue balls just stop?”

“Yeah…”

He looked at you for a moment, you underneath him and then he looked down and really _looked_ at you. “Yeah I think I’m willing to do that.” He uncapped the bottle squirting some of the gel like substance onto his fingers and then moving it around to warm and loosen it. All you could do was watch in hypnosis and hope he didn’t tease you for watching so intently.  
“Ready?” he said. You lick your lips and nod, spreading your legs for him trying not to act like the virgin he claims you to be, but you see his smile at your hesitancy. He pushes your legs further apart, sitting between them and then his index finger pushes into you. 

Now you are NOT a virgin, but you normally top and the last time you bottomed was your first time. Which isn’t something you love to remember because you were stupid at the time and you had just become the only known non heteronormative guy at your school and there was no one for you to experience stuff with so sure you should’ve waited, but you didn’t. When you turned 18 you payed a man to be your first. You don’t regret it, but it’s not something you’re proud of. 

He had two fingers pushed and twisting inside you before he pulled out. He fumbled for a moment with a small square you hadn’t noticed before. You sat up on your elbows and looked on as he rolled a blue condom onto himself. He scooted closer to you and positioned himself. Just the tip was inside you in the beginning but it delved deeper and deeper with each thrust. You couldn’t help but make noises and he heard every one, punctuating every syllable from your mouth with another push of his hips. When you breathed his name he fell apart. 

He keened over you, groaning, you could feel the contained warmth just inside you pushing against your limits and it broke you as well. You trembled as the contents of, well, you, spilled onto your stomach and all of the sweat on you was suddenly very obvious with the sticking to the sheets. The tingles running through your body began to fade and Sollux pulled himself out of you leaving a ghost of himself. He fell onto the bed next to you, his sticky body touching yours and his heavy breath matching. “You should shower,” He laughed touching the substance on your stomach. 

This time no one had to be begged to stay.

When you woke up he was propped up on his elbow staring at you. The first thing you noticed was the room being a few shades lighter. “Fuck,” you said, covering your face, “Where are my shades?”

“No way. I managed to get them off you and I’m not giving them back.” He tried to pry your hand from your face, “I mean have you seen your eyes? I’m not sure if thats even a color it’s so fucking majestic. Dave. Let me see them.” 

“If I let you see them can I have my shades back? Light sensitive, man.”

“No, I don’t think thats good enough.”

You grumbled but smiled knowing his motivation, “What do you want me to do for them?”

“I don’t know do I have to do everything? Can’t you be a little creative?”

“It’s not like I have a forked tongue and so basically everything I do is fucking unique. Not all of us are as great as you Sollux.”

“I know, but you can try and I’ll tell you how you did.”

You uncovered your eyes and said, “I do have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also Dave wore a condom during oral because I promote safe sex ^-^


	7. Partying Is Overrated

“Hey remember how we called off partying?”

You looked at Sollux, water dripping down his face from the shower head. You ran your hands down his chest. “Oh yeah why was that again? Because it was so unhealthy for you and what we’re doing now is so much better than being drunk adolescents? I mean, Sollux, you’ve got to admit this is great.”

“Yeah yeah sex is great,” he laughed, “but there’s just one more party we need to go to and before you say no I just wanna say that I’m going with or without you.” His fingers tangled through your soaked hair trying to calm you into being okay with this. 

You slipped your hands into the slight curve of his waist and began to push them down his lower back. “I could make you stay.” You punctuated your sentence with the grabbing of his ass. “I can’t believe we haven’t had any fucking shower sex and yet we’ve done basically everything else, like pretty sure some of it would be frowned upon by even my brother. Sollux, we have to. We owe it to the metaphorical list of sexual ‘to do’s’.”

He reached behind you and turned off the water, clearly not going to be distracted by shower sex. “The Halloween party is _the_ party and I won’t even drink anything. Except water and I hope to hell you won’t be telling me no when it comes to water.” 

“Maybe I will. Like, what if you get roofied? And then some guy or, I guess girl, takes advantage of you? You said it was a big party and if there’s more people there’s more creeps. Honestly, I don’t believe that you won’t get drunk,” you said still touching his wet body, kneading his warm skin with your fingers, “but I know we’re going to end up going because you already have your mind set on it and I’m too much of an amazing person, that you’re lucky to have in your life, to let you go alone on a clear conscience .”

“Then I hope you don’t have plans because it’s tonight actually.”

“I planned on fucking a hottie in a shower, but those plans have been cancelled, so I’m all yours.”

“Great.” He turned the water back on and kissed you, nipping at your jaw first. Finally shower sex. Then a thought occurred to you. 

“Fuck.” You mumbled into his mouth, “When is the party?”

“A couple hours, why?”

“I have to go back to Texas remember? And I’m still not packed because you’ve kept me pretty occupied.” You pulled yourself away from him, lips last, and pulled open the shower door letting in the cold.

“Wait, you’re just gonna leave me here after you did all this foreplay and got me into it?”

You kissed him on his damp cheek a final time and walked into the other room, grabbing a towel on your way.

You heard him turn off the water, open and close the shower door and emerge from the bathroom with no towel.. “I’m hard though.” He said sitting on your bed with his still bare ass. You cringed at the idea of sleeping on damp sheets tonight.

“No captor, you’re wet. Just take care of it yourself. You’re a big kid, I’m sure you know how. You’re probably pretty experienced in the solo work if I’m the judge.”

“You’re not the judge, You’re just a douchenozzle.”

“That’s a low blow. I am not a douchenozzle, I’m still in the douchebag zone.” You were finally beginning to pack, obtaining your usual bag to place all of your necessities in, thinking only about the naked boy in front of you and not about being injected with a fuckton of medical remedies for four hours tomorrow.

He looked at you and let out a long breath, touching himself. “It would be so much more fun if you helped,” he said. You tried to focus on your packing now and to not pay attention to him, but when he started breathing harder you started packing slower. Every movement of his hand caught your eye just a little more. You finally looked at him and your eyes met with no barrier from the sunglasses. It no longer mattered around Sollux. 

You held eye contact and Sollux licked his lips. You shook your head biting your own and his eyebrows jumped. You closed your bag with finality, zipping the three edges necessary and giving him your full attention. Crawling, you made your way over to him, kneeling before him, not touching him. He swallowed hard moving faster now and if either of you had been embarrassed, the moment would not have been so intense. You touched his thighs lightly, inching up them and finally he shuddered in a familiar way. 

“Yeah you’re an expert at it.” You say breaking the silence and your eye contact. You grabbed a movie you found with all your things (must’ve gotten mixed in last time you were in Texas) and put it in Sollux’s computer, really glad his monitor was as big as a T.V.. You put some clothes on and sat between his legs. Maybe you should've just fucked him instead of packing because now you're watching a disney movie with a half hardon and you didn't get to cross shower sex off the list. 

Halfway through the movie Sollux got up from behind you and finally put on some clothes (probably succumbing to the oncoming cold of nearing November). He brought back a blanket and sat next to you till the end of the movie when he decided he had to change again for the party. You thought the red jeans and black and grey baseball tee you were wearing was okay so as soon as he settled on a graphic t-shirt, a plaid overshirt and black jeans you went to the party. And Sollux wasn’t kidding when he said it was the party of the year. 

It was a few days till Halloween and they went all out for the occasion. Large spiders, their webs, flashing lights and smoke machines bore into your every view when you got to the building and the people were either scantily clad, absolutely terrifying, or hadn’t even bothered to try. Like you guys. The music blared a song that may or may not have had words, but most definitely had a heavy beat. People screamed into each others ear to get an idea of what was being said, the flashing halloween themed lights made it hard to focus on the ground as you walked. When you looked back up, Sollux was gone. The magnificent babysitter you are has lost the baby. What will the parents think? 

You went into the house in search of him, checking the entire first floor, the bodies pushing at you from every direction, the occasional drunken hand grasping. You always checked to see if one of them was Sollux, but normally just wound up making uncomfortable eye contact with someone else. By eye contact you mean eye contact, the house was far too full and dark to maneuver with your shades on, even with your lifetime of experience. You had seen multiple familiar faces from the other parties, glad to see they were still up to their usual habits. If you had known any of their names maybe you would’ve said hello, but instead you gave them a nod and they drooled on themselves and tripped on air. Even in the kitchen they had replaced normal lights with purple ones making all of the food look more inedible than a college students diet. _Oh wait._

You had checked every nook and cranny and seen every puke spot in the place but you didn’t dare go upstairs. It was well known that everyone who went upstairs was going up to have sex. You asked drunk girls he would have hit on if they had seen him. They weren’t very helpful as they recall being hit on by everyone, but many of them did wind up asking you upstairs. You wondered if he could’ve gone upstairs with one of the girls so you stood at the bottom to see if you could catch a glimpse of him past all the meshing bodies. You spotted a familiar face through the college collage. He was descending the stairs quite clumsily with a beer in one hand and his other skimming the railing. His eyes caught with yours and you couldn’t look away. He was approaching you now with a look of giddiness. 

“DAVE.” You brought your hand up to your face and slid back on your shades, making sure John couldn’t see your eyes. He stumbled into your proximity grabbing a girls arm on the way down. “I didn’t know you go to parties? You- you should go to me with one! I think it would be so much fun! We could get drunk! Like this!” He looked at you, raising his beer, like an expectant puppy and then frowned and began to weep. Just outright niagara falls, truthfully unexpected. “Why are you so sad? Did I do th-this to you? Dave. Dave, you have to know that I don’t wanna hurt you. I wanna do the opposite of that. I wanna unhurt you. Make it so that you’re unhurt and I’m so so sorry that I lied to you.” Snot was running down to his lip now and he was spitting it when he talked. “ I don’t want to lie to you OR anyone really, but especially not you Dave. It was a terrible thing that I did and I shouldn’t’ve. I’m such a liar and I l-lie to ebreeone an I lie to myself the most because I’m so so so so stupid.” He was frantically wiping at his face with the heel of his palm and a few people were watching whatever was going on. You put your hands on his arms to try to calm him. He didn’t recognize that you were even touching him so you pulled him and his continuing stream of blubber into your arms.

You shimmied over to the couch near you, past all of the party obstacles and he curled up into your chest with all his body weight when you finally sat down. His build was bigger than your own, yet he always managed to seem smaller and weaker. You felt pity for him for a brief moment. He was practically puking apologies and you didn’t know what to say. If you had said anything what would it be? He probably wouldn’t even remember, he was so drunk. You realized that you didn’t know John very well, he could do this every night. Maybe he was right, maybe he is stupid.

His black hair cascaded into their newly gravity assigned positions when he turned his head to press his ear to your chest. He’d stopped crying and calmed down to almost blissful state now. He breathed heavy breaths onto you and tapped on your heart to the same rhythm as it’s unusually hurried beat.


	8. The Other Boy

You sat with John for far too long to be comfortable. He sobbed on and off and began to soak your shirt with his tears and fill your nose with his aroma. He also apologized so profusely you were tired of hearing his voice. You wondered what he was lying about exactly. Could it be that you didn’t have to give up on thi-

“HEY!” A guy yelled in your direction as he ran inside the grand house. He didn’t get much quieter when he reached you. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FRIEND? YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM ARE YOU?” He pulled John to the other side of the couch with him, looking at you the way a mother bear looks at anyone who touches her cubs. You take it back, you didn’t care how long you were holding John, as long as you got to hold him. 

“What do you mean me? John’s a friend of mine how do I know you’re not trying to get him upstairs with you?” You had to shout over the loud music playing from a nearby speaker and in lieu forgave the new guest for his high volume. This location hadn’t been a problem when no one was talking. “You tugged on Johns shirt and said, “I just want to make sure he’s safe!”

The boy eyed you suspiciously, peeping at the pitiful John from the corner of his eye then said “ME TOO! WILL YOU HELP ME GET HIM OUTSIDE? WITH NO FUNNY BUSINESS!” 

“Why the hell would my business ever be funny?” You laughed to yourself about the classic joke he probably couldn’t hear, but his eye roll confirmed that he did indeed hear the clever joke. 

You lifted John from both sides with the other boy making sure to go slow and gentle. John didn’t seem aware of much now except that you were there and he was sorry. Very sorry. Very very sorry. The other boy quirked an eyebrow at you as he recognized the incoherent mumblings and heard your name. “You’re Dave?” Even outside where the music was more muffled he still was louder than the average person.

“Yeah, why?” You tried to act as cool as you normally are, but when it came to John you just couldn’t keep your cool. You got hot. Especially in your face. 

He grimaced at you, seeming displeased and said, “Hold him, I’m calling a cab.”

“They have cabs here? It’s kind of a small city isn’t it?”

“They still have a cab service and I’m not carrying this fucker all the way down town.”

“Oh, hey are you his other roommate?” He had pulled out his phone and was scrolling on the touch screen.

“No, That’s either Gamzee or Tavros. I’m just a mutual friend who also happens to have a class with him.” It was your turn to looks suspicious. No, it wasn’t because all these names sounded made up (what the hell is a Gamzee?). You didn’t doubt what he told you, but you felt he still had more to share. 

“If you’re not um Gamzee, the other roommate, then what’s your name?”

He put a ‘1 second’ finger up to you and started talking to someone over the phone.

You observed John, his eyes were closed and he was giving most of his weight over to you and gravity. You didn’t know whether to trust that this guy would take him home or to impose yourself on him to make sure he got there with no “funny business” (as he had earlier stated). 

You looked the guy up and down in his grey jeans and black sweatshirt, his snappy bossy attitude and short stature that contradicted how big he acted. He slipped his phone back into his jean pocket and said, “They’ll be here soon.” 

“I didn’t get your name,” You reminded him, “you gave me the finger instead you big charmer.”

“God, it’s not like I gave you this finger.” He proclaimed, actually giving you the finger and finally some glimpse of a positive expression showed on his face. You made the subconscious connection between that millisecond and trusting him. “My name’s Karkat.”

John suddenly began to slide down you to the curb so you decide to just follow suit, and so did Karkat. With no one talking on phones or focusing on keeping someone upright you asked, “So What’s your story with John, Karkat? How did you wind up at a party with him?”

He couldn’t keep a stoic face the way you could, he broke into emotions of panic and guilt making you feel more inquisitive. “He asked me to come because neither of his roommates wanted to go.”

“You guys been hanging out long?”

“We get coffee together sometimes.”

“...At The Coffee Corner?”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty great place. It’s too bad the lady might be selling it to some guy who just wants to knock it down and build something new because not enough people go there.”

“If everyone went there it would lose it’s charm though. It’s feels more special when only a few people know about it and kind of keep it as their own place. That’s a dreamers idea though.” Because obviously it wasn’t a special place since John had shared it with this Karkat kid. Maybe he just shares it with everyone and there was nothing special about that week. You’re simply delusional.

“Then I guess you can call me a dreamer.”

You looked at each other over John’s hung head. You thought about telling him that John had taken you there. You thought about hurting him and taking this idea of him being special right out of his grasp. It would be so easy just to say it, but you couldn’t. You bit your tongue because he was a dreamer and it is a terrible thing to kill that hope.

“I guess so,” you answered, “But maybe don’t get your hopes up with this one.”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up with anyone. My hopes can go fuck themselves because they're always up where they don’t need to be, getting into trouble.”

“Hey, don’t close yourself off from everyone. There could be a perfectly willing boy or girl or whatever you’re into there for you somewhere. I mean you’re a pretty cute guy I’d date you, so I don’t know why anyone else wouldn’t.” You had been sincere when you said it, but your mouth had turned a corner up inspite of your intentions and he mistook it for sarcasm.

“Shut up, I’m not here to be mocked! I don’t even know why I came to this stupid party actually. I hate how loud it is and all the stupid people I have to be exposed to like you.” 

“No Karkat I’m sorry if you thought I was trying to be a douche, but I was being serious like I’d totally go for your cute angry self, but I’d just rather not.”

“And why the hell not? Not that you should. God please never even try I will actually barf on you if you come professing your love and asking for my hand in marriage.” His face had darkened in a very innocent way.

“Lovely thought, Karkat. You just make me want you so bad when you talk dirty like that.” And cue the sarcasm, and cut the sarcasm, “But really, it’s just my circumstances.”

He looked at you knowingly. “I mean it’s okay Dave, it’s probably for the best.” Knowingly? Is that the right word because how the hell could he know anything? It’s not like he and John just sat around talking about him on their dates. John made a noise with his head between his legs and a thought suddenly sprung to your mind.

“Did you know he was upstairs?” The question came out of your mouth as fast as you could form the thought.

“Yeah I know.” There was the guilt you had sensed earlier and you realized that you had felt at ease this entire time because there wasn’t any ‘ease’ left. Despite your gut you mind tried to reason that he just felt bad for letting John wind up upstairs.

You clenched your stomach, listening to it’s queasy notions.“You know and you’re not even worried about the fact that he could’ve been raped or killed.” Now who’s the mother bear? You were raising your voice to the same loudness as his own, but on you it wasn’t casual.

“He wasn’t raped.” His voice was backing down from your own.

Your heart pulled at you from inside your chest, begging you not to ask, trying to stop you. “How do you know?”

He was getting quieter as he spoke almost to the point of an annoying mumble. “I was upstairs with him.”

“No.” You laughed, shaking your head. You blinked a few times, playing with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. “Did you- What did- no, no. Oh God don’t tell me.” Your fingers vibrated over the material you picked at and the ideas kept running through your head. All the possibilities of what could’ve gone down in that dark room upstairs in the isolation of absolute noise. You had to contort your face to keep it from leaking and you turned away from the guilty and sleeping boys just in case. You didn’t turn back. 

You stood up and started walking and only once did you hear Karkat call your name, But you did not want to recognize it being said through his vocal cords. You had no right to feel this way whatsoever. You knew that. John had rejected you and moved on, isn’t it time you do the same? But you couldn’t stop your eyes from welling up and blocking your view of the street you walked on in the chilled October night. You would rather not feel this at all, you’d like to feel less, you’d like to care less. John didn’t care at all, the least you could do is allow him to have his own life away from that one week you spent with each other in which you were completely mislead by your own mind. You thanked yourself once again for being who you are.

“Sexy.” A slurred voice that was projected at you said. It came from Sollux who sat before you on a bus bench, “Why are you so hot? Like really is it a Texas thing cause I NEED to go to Texas then. OH! You should take me with you on your next thing!” Shit. You hate to pile on the good attributes about yourself tonight, but you had forgotten about Sollux. You took up his wrist and led him home. You instilled the previously practiced routine of drinking water and then curled into him. His inebriated brain must have noticed something because he pulled you into him like it was your last night on earth and he was striving to save your soul. The warmth from him radiated over you and his arms reassuringly pulled you closer with every painful throb in your chest. You hoped you wouldn’t wake up.


	9. Not Entirely Straight

You left for Texas in the morning. You spent the plane ride hoping John was drunk enough to forget last night because you just didn’t want him to remember. You didn’t want to remember either actually and stupidly, you were angry you didn't get shitfaced. Who gets angry about that? Sometimes Karkat’s overly loud voice drifted into your head trying to tell you what happened in that room upstairs and you had to focus on the idea of rushing water to push him out again. John could be dating this guy. He could’ve not bothered to come find you when he suddenly realized he was gay. Maybe that was why he was sorry. Or maybe he was already dating him and he lied about it. Or he was really sorry he wasn’t gay at all.

Freeing yourself from the prison of only you and your entertaining thoughts, you finally got off the plane. There was Bro, as usual holding a dorky sign with your name and a heart and some flowers. He handed you the flowers and kissed you on the top of your head, making an absolute show in attempts to embarrass you. You’d usually retaliate with some grand charade of your own and these acts became your main form of communication since you got diagnosed. Of course every time you were around him you wanted to just gab away like a prepubescent girl, but that would risk you telling him your sincere feelings. Striders weren’t often sincere and so it was strange that you felt like conversing with him.

You travelled through the refreshing texan heat in the small beat up white car Bro has seemed to own since birth. You contemplated beginning a conversation then, but by the time you could possibly begin to conceive the will to do so the car had stopped in front of your apartment complex. He pushed aside the immediate mess at the door as he usually did when you got home. He began to slip into the habitual regimen, but he took quick perception to your lack thereof. 

“What’s going on? Who’s dying?” He said, “Besides you of course.”

“Wow Bro, you’re so funny I’m so glad I’m related to you.” You said with a bit of emotion that wouldn’t’ve been there if it weren’t for John. “Just thought we should maybe talk. Y’know. Family style.”

His ears perked up in only the way his ears could considering he was categorized as a human being and not a fucking dog. “Oh, child of mine tell me all your troubles!” 

“Never am I your child.” You smiled, trying to be pleasant, then took a breath. A very deep and very long breath.

“Well, Dave, my child, my son, my heir, the fruit of my loins I have been meaning to give you the sex talk. Now as you know an erection occurs when-”

“Bro,” you groaned allowing him time to shut up. “So remember when you dated that one person.”

“Yeah, of course, I could never forget him.” He lost his typical sense of boyishness which was understandable considering Jake was the only person Bro loved that way. He’d had multiple partners, but Jake was a constant presence. Whether they were dating each other or hating each other he was always relevant. As fate would have it however, Jake was in a car crash one very rainy day and he was in a coma for several months. He woke up with no recollection of Bro and it wasn’t some romantic cliche where all they had to do was fall back into in and out of love because Jake’s family decided it was best for him to not meet Bro again. They declared it had been a volatile relationship. Bro still tries to convince them otherwise, but these days you know he’s been giving up and thinking that they’re right.

“Anyway,” you shifted uncomfortably on your feet before him, “He’s a guy. You’re a guy. You were both guys is the point.”

“Great observation. Do they have awards for that?”

“No. Family talk. Be serious.”

He shut his mouth and patted the couch next to him. You took the seat and he said, “I know you’re gay if that’s what you’re trying to tell me in this very childish way.”

“Woah, okay, I never said I was gay. I’m just not entirely straight.”

“Dave you’re not straight at all. In kindergarten you cried first when a boy wouldn’t kiss you back, and then again when a girl did kiss you.” 

“That’s not fair, I didn’t like her. She ate everything. Like she ate glue, play-doh, sequins, barbie doll heads… Tell me you’d want her sticky lips on you and then maybe I’m gay.”

“Barbie doll heads?”

“Maybe not, but she ate the hair.”

“I’ve waited this long for you to figure out you’re not straight, I can wait a little longer for you to figure out you’re gay. Unless…” He started rummaging through some of the mess on the ground then pulled up a sleek shiny poster. Of a very hairy vagina.

“Why do you just have that sitting around?!” You had looked away purely due to gut instinct.

“A-HA! You’re so gay Dave! Now, What are you a top or a bottom? Or are you both? I fancy being a-” 

You plugged your ears and turned around, counting to ten out loud to regain your composure and Hopefully for him to stop talking. He was done. “Okay so like, there’s this guy right now…”

“You being safe?”

You scoffed, “I’m not physically involved with him at all,” You paused thinking of Sollux, “yeah not with him.”

“Wait-”

You kept talking, “I tried to kiss him a while ago and he was all ‘I’m not gay bluh bluh stupid dork’ and stuff so then we kind of stopped hanging out because he was pretty mad and I guess I was pretty mad and then the other night I was at this party-”

“You party?”

“-And He was drunk-”

“Were you?”

“- And he started apologizing and stuff and it was pretty gross, but I guess I kind of liked being near him again and then this other guy showed up and I found out he was with John earlier that night and He pretty much said they did stuff.” You took a breath feeling so much better having told someone and especially grateful it was Bro. “What do I do?”

It was his turn to be a little exasperated, “In my experience I would advise you stay his friend. Let it all blow over and forget your feelings for him because it’ll be much easier to maintain the friendship then.” 

“But-”

“Nah, you wanted me to be serious and now I am. I honestly can say that it’s better to have him in your life as nothing more than a friend than to not have him in your life at all.” The word ‘he’ carried more weight than the others. 

“Ok.” You looked at his pointy shades through your own rounded ones and apologized. Not for pushing him to this point in the conversation, but for pushing him to this point in life. For abandoning him in more ways than one. For not having spoke to him for too long, for moving away from him, for cutting him off all the times he tried to bring you back in, for not responding to his much needed affection, for being the only other half to this strange family and for not wanting to be, for costing him so much in bills, for taking away his chance to do something in life because he had to take care of someone as unappreciative as you. And mostly just for getting cancer.

“It’s almost over.” The words escaped your lips and his and you both nodded in agreement. 

~

The next day Bro strutted around the house in a maids outfit for Halloween, joking that he practically was one. To which you gestured at his mess of an abode. He tried to get you into a costume too, but you reminded him you had to be somewhere that day. You came back to the house just before Halloween started. People didn’t always visit the apartment complexes, so you didn’t have anyone you didn’t know show up. Since you knew them and there would be a lot of candy left if you didn’t give it away, you gave it away generously. Before you knew it Halloween was over, you had eaten too much candy and gotten a celebration text from six friends, all from no one you had talked to in the last year and none from anyone who mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ew this chapters gross and messy, but I'm too lazy and there isn't enough time S2G THE NEXT CHAPTER IS BETTER


	10. Once More with Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last chappie was so ehh that im not going to give it a full week of being the last update

You found Sollux in his usual place on your bed. He was lying very still and for a brief moment you wondered if he was breathing. When he sat up your skin settled back into place and the guilt tugging at you retreated back into the corner of your mind. “Hey,” you said as calm as you could. Thankfully the tiredness from all the drugs were weighing you down like anchors and keeping your emotions from floating too high above ‘not giving a fuck’. 

“My fathers in the hospital.” He swallowed when he said the words as if trying to keep them down. He laughed, his smile darkened and you shivered, seeing this side of him. “Is it sick that I’m not bawling my eyes out that my father almost died? That it could go either way and I think I’d be fine? That I’m almost hoping…” his voice cracked. “You know what’s stupid? It was a heart attack. Apparently he was under too much stress.” A few tears had escaped from him somewhere in the middle of the sentence.

“I’m sorry.” You say because those are the default words when you don’t know what else to say and when someone needs to hear them said.

“I’m sorry too” he said, you weren’t quite sure why.

“Do you want to go see him? I mean we most definitely don’t have to it’s all up to you, but if you do decide that’s the thing you want to do I’d be willing to go with you to do it I mean…y’know.” Maybe you shouldn’t have asked and you really shouldn’t have said so many useless words, but hey that’s what you do.

“...I’ll think about it” The tears were no longer trying to forge their way out of his eyes. He took one very deep breath to get a hold of all that followed and said, “So there’s this idiot in my class who started talking to me last week. When I say talking to me I mean more like talking at me. All he does is stand in my space follow me around and talk about himself. And mostly about this musical he’s in tonight. Why should I care if him and his stupid fluffy hair are in a musical? I’ve stated outright before that I wanted him to leave me alone. Sure, I took it back after he started getting all pissy, but I meant it.”

“Wait,” All you heard was ‘musical’, “The musical’s tonight? I was thinking about going to that.” John would probably be there, but it’s not like you’d even have to talk to him. Just go and support him. Like a very small friendship stepping stone.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, we should go it’ll keep your mind off… stuff and we’ve got nothing better to do, but sit around and talk about our feelings like the masculine college guys we are.”

“Alright.. It starts in a couple of minutes though. What took you so long to get home? It’s almost six.” 

“My flight was delayed way too much.” 

You walked into the dark room after the play had already started. You walked as quietly as you could up the bleachers they had set up and mentally thanked whatever entity had left two seats open right next to each other. You and Sollux sat and started watching a woman on the ground making sandwiches. You recognized her as Jade, the small tan girl that had asked you where the theatre was. Be it the close proximity due to the smallness of the room or just the fact that you’re always looking for him, you saw John.

He was off to the side of the stage sitting at his keyboard reviewing his sheets of music. He lifted his hands slowly and placed them above certain keys, the little blue lamp hovering above him for just enough light to know what he’s doing. You can’t believe you didn’t make him play for you even once because now you were hearing how each of his fingers tapped lightly and firmly on the right notes at the right time to string them all together like a very personal letter. You felt a little wrong reading the contents practically feeling his fingers tapping the beat into your skin and on your heart the way he had at the party. His whole body moved and you couldn’t help but smile at how much he truly felt the music. And you started to get this falling sensation towards him that you thought would be gone by now. It’s been a little over a month since.

He stopped abruptly then because the girl on stage was interrupted by a boy who started flirting with her. The play had a pretty good sense of humor and you would’ve really enjoyed it if you had given it your full attention. Too much of it belonged to John and you couldn’t get it back. You were constantly checking on him. Maybe making sure he hadn’t left, maybe just to get to see him push up his glasses like the nerd he is, or maybe hoping to catch his eye.

You did.

As soon as he looked back at you you looked away and it continued like this. The tag of glances that everyone has played before. You noticed when the play took a turn for the more serious and you regretted bringing Sollux. The whole musical was based around a woman with mental illnesses and he was already in a more fragile state. So you totally lied when you said it would take his mind off of stuff. It just held up a big sign pointing to his stuff. A big, flashing, well written sign.

You held his hand in your lap and he squeezed everytime he almost couldn’t handle it, until he let go and exited the room, saying a shaky excuse me to everyone on his way out. The lights went up and people began clapping. You stood up to make your way after Sollux, but something holds you back. John had grabbed your arm and he was talking at you now over all the noise. “Dave!” His face was freshly coated with the new light and his everblue eyes were all you could see, “I need to talk to you. The party the other night… I don’t remember much except that you were there! Could you tell me what happened?”

You pulled your arm out of his grasp in a hurry and honestly a little peeved and said “Ask Karkat!” 

You turned away from the little amount of shock on his face and cringed at what you had done. _God damn it, Dave, this was supposed to be a friendship stepping stone._ You prioritized then, going after Sollux and you faintly hear John calling your name because you’re always listening for him.


	11. PB & J

You were back in the bathroom of the theatre where you had met John. Of course, the experience just wouldn’t be complete if there wasn’t a crying boy against the wall. _Seriously though, what is it about this bathroom?_

“I wanna go,” he said, within a few seconds of realizing you were there. People were starting to file in now that the show was over and they couldn’t hold their pee anymore. You offered him your hand to grab and he held it until you were out of the building. You saw John out of the corner of your eye, but neither of you said anything. 

That was the day you found out Sollux had a car. Why you didn’t know up until now was solely because everything you needed was within walking distance and it seems you only really left for necessities. It was sleek, new looking and very, very clean. He noticed the more or less astonished look on your face and said, “for godsakes my father just overworked to the point of a heart attack of course we have money.”

He played some techno music and you tried to rap something ridiculous to make him smile, but you lost your train of thought when you’re phone started ringing. Bro was calling. It’s an understatement to say you were surprised; you didn’t call each other for just anything. All the possibilities as to the contents of the call gave you heart palpitations, so you answered it before the second ring.

“Hey,” you remained calm.

“Dave, your weird friend from high school is here. She says she needs a place to stay and I don’t know what to do with her. Do I let her stay? Isn’t that a little creepy? I’m an adult and she’s only recently turned 18 and I just feel like this is the beginning of a porno. I mean I wouldn’t mind-”

“Holy- Bro. Do. Not. Don’t sleep with her. Don’t even have sex with her. She’ll probably try to do stuff with you because she’s got a thing for Striders obviously, but you need to resist the temptation. She is crazy and she will fuck you up.”

“But Dave I mean have you seen her ass? It’s a thing of art. It’s got the right amount of bounce and width and proportion and don’t even get me started on how plush that rump is.”

“You can do it, I believe in you, just keep her there unsatisfied until I come home and then we’ll figure something out okay? If you’re about to do her then throw her out on the street because it’s not worth it to get mixed up in her.”

“Alright will do but I mean handjobs are okay, right? Oh! I gotta go!”

“Bro-” He hung up and you were in the hospital parking lot now, wondering what he had to so urgently hang up for.

You walked to the information desk with him, you walked to the elevator with him, you walked to his fathers room with him and then you stopped. You exchanged a series of looks before you said, “You going to talk to him alone?” He nodded reluctantly touching your fingertips lightly like he still needed you. “I’ll wait out here,” you said anyway.

He left you in the hall. You looked at the framed pictures of paintings they had. All of them of some sort of nature seen. A river, a tree, a bridge, the works. You wandered down the hallway just a bit to compare them not only to each other , but to all the framed pictures of paintings you’d seen in so many hospital halls before. Why couldn’t they just get some real paintings for once? Why does it have to be less of itself? To make it all the more depressing in here as if people don’t lose enough and now you can’t even have real art? A vending machine interrupted your analysis. Your stomach tightened in hunger and that’s an unusual thing for you with the whole loss of appetite side effect of the chemo. Not wanting to jinx any health progress, you searched your sweatshirt pockets and found a dollar and 65 cents in change. You looked longingly at anything that wasn’t gum, all of it priced at $1.75. You did what anyone would and got on your hands and knees to look under the machine. 

Someone somewhere must really like you because you found a dime and had the exact amount you needed. You chose carefully and decided upon a bag of cheez-its. Those little cheesy squares are great and especially now that you wanted to eat them. You ventured further down the hall sneering at the fake art again until something caught your eye. Or someone really. Two boys were kissing quite passionately in a room you passed. You aren’t one to stare, but you recognized one of them as Tavros. You didn’t know the taller boy with shaggy black hair leaning into him from on the bed. You coughed loudly interrupting them and smiling at the shaken look on Tavros’s face. The other guy wore a face a lot like yours; completely satisfied. 

“H-hi Dave. What are you doing here?”

“Here with my roommate. And you? What exactly are you two doing here?” You quirked your eyebrow at him.

“Oh um I don’t think you guys have met before… This is Gamzee he’s the other room mate… more or less.” He looked nervously up at the boy in the bed and the boy shrugged. 

“So…” You couldn’t help that you cared, “Is John coming then?”

“Nah bro, we haven’t up and told John yet cause tonight was his big night with the musical and shit.” The taller boy spoke with such whimsy that was unexpected coming from someone who looked so wrecked. His hair seemingly uncombed and unwashed, his face with the remnants of something fading black and chalky white with especially dark spots around his mouth and eyes. Though his eyes had natural bags of their own that must’ve accumulated from stress and sleepless nights. His eyes themselves contrasted from the outer appearance in great detail. They were honey brown and simply full of mellow brightness. The hospital gown was most likely not what he wore everyday.

“Yeah no, I know that… So why are you in here anyway? Like who’s trying to kill you?” You queried as a joke. 

“Himself!” Tavros said in an unshaken very confident voice. He reminded you a little of someone.

“Woah chill Tav I’m tellin you I did _not_ know it was laced. It was really not cool of him like we had a friendship. I’ve been buying from him for years and then he just… he did this to me. Not cool at all.” The subject was a serious one especially for Gamzee yet he was always laughing a bit when he talked.

“Gamzee don’t be stupid, that wasn’t the same guy you normally buy from. You have no normal It’s always random guys in alleyways or at parties and you…” He swallowed now losing a lot of strength in his voice, “You’ve been getting lucky.”

“Then what you’re saying is I need to get me a regular guy?”

“No.” He put his hand up to his head, “You should quit, Gamzee.” 

Gamzee was searching for his phone, but Tavs disappointment caught his eye. He looked to you and you gestured back to Tavros. Gamzee pulled his hand away from his head and held it. “I’ll try.” Tav smiled at him a little nervous and all seemed good. 

“You guys been gay together long?” 

They both looked back at you. “We um aren’t really together…” Tav said.

“Tav we’re kinda together now.” Tav blushed, like real serious business kind of kawaii. 

“Well anyway this is, uh really new to us is what I meant I guess.” 

This peaked your interest slightly. “Does John know about his roommates totally you know,” you made some vague and obscene gestures with your hands. Gamzee nodded with a big fucking smile on his face possibly not even understanding and Tavros flipped his shit. With a spatula.

“God- No, Dave! Ugh John doesn’t know anything. Like I said: NEW.” He breathed heavily from his outburst that was in no way related to you. He gathered his breath and said, “Besides he’s hardly around anymore to notice or ask anything. He’s been hanging out with Karkat a lot. Says he has stuff to figure out and apparently Karkat’s helping him or something???” Ok no, not something you necessarily want to talk about on a finally full stomach. You could just feel the food trying to creep it’s way back up your throats in attempts to gag you and save you from talking about John and _Karkat_ anymore. 

“Yeah it’s about time he finds himself as the motherfucking rainbow he is.” That sentence deserved an extra chuckle from Gamzee and you nodded steadying yourself on his bed, falling prey to the sickness that is your mental health. Really of all the things to feel nauseous about this was just stupid.

“Hey,” Sollux's voice from behind you, pushing the waves away and saving you from the ocean. 

“Okay so I’m gonna leave with my friend now I really really wish I could stay but wow look at that time. Always progressing and shit.” You turned gulping down any provoked feeling and walked down the hall with Sollux. 

“So, he’s going to be fine.”No emotion from someone that wasn’t even a strider. Kudo’s. “You wanna know something Ironic?” 

“I live for irony.” You steadied a shaking hand by hooking it’s thumb in your jean pocket. 

“They said ‘no more stress’. And he agrees with them and he says that he’s not gonna overwork or get stressed out about things anymore and it’s so fucking hilarious because he’s said all this shit before and never once has he followed through on it. Even when he doesn’t have to stress he’s stressing out. This one time he took a year off work to try to ‘destress’ and he just wound up being on my case and all over my grades like 2000% more. And it isn’t average parent nagging because god I wish it was just that, but no he has a very ‘hands on technique’. And now I know I’m terrible because I do wish he was dead and I’ve wished it before and I even think I’ve had dreams about it! The best dreams of my life!” He went quiet now as you stood in the elevator side by side with only the dinging of the floors to remind you that the world wasn’t in a standstill. 

By ‘hands-on-’ he had meant…shit.

You walked quietly in the parking lot and drove quietly in the car. You ate dinner together quietly at the dining hall not even commenting on the fact that their ‘special’ sandwich of the day was the same sandwich every day with a different colored sauce. You took showers quietly and you went to bed quietly.

Every creak of the floor shook your heart that night.

And you were right to let it do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actually so bad at Gamzee characterization. I apologize.


	12. Night Grows Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW for the self harm**

He got up at 2:27 in the morning, quiet still, and went into the bathroom. Time passed and you opened your eyes worrying, quiet. Then you heard it when the silence finally splintered. Stuff was falling to the floor and you could hear his slightly contained curses and yelling. You got up to the bathroom in a single beat of your adrenalized heart. “Sollux I know what you’re looking for!” He threw the door open at your words.

“Where the hell are they?” 

“Why would I tell you? I hid them so you couldn’t hurt yourself. Please Sollux, please just don’t, calm down and think.” 

He went to your bed and searched underneath it furiously. “Why do you care, Dave? It’ll help me, I know it will! Don’t you dare say I’m not thinking!I don’t think you know how much I need this! It helps so god damn much!” 

“How does it help you Sollux? Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel the way you do on the inside? Do you use it to punish yourself? Or is it because your skin is just clinging _so_ tightly to your bones that it disgusts you?” You hissed the words through your teeth, not meaning to be cruel, but knowing you had to be fierce.

“Yes all of it! It’s just better when I-” he stopped and cast his view downward. 

“When you cut yourself?” 

“Don’t say it like that.”

“Let’s not tango around the topic, Captor.”

“What gives you the right?” He said, glaring into your eyes.

Of course he was going to ask at some point. The answer was simple: You’ve done it all before. With no words you slipped your usual long sleeves up your arm. Having seen you shirtless before, you know he’d never taken a good look. You ran your finger over each individual faded scar which had become a part of you now. They weren’t immediately noticeable to anyone who hadn’t seen you wearing the puffy jagged skin with the discoloration of yellow, red and purple. How raw and explosive you were then. And as much as you’d like to blame the cancer for this, it had all started before you even knew. In an ironic sense the cancer really saved your life because when you found out you suddenly felt the need to start getting out of bed again. _To actually fight_.

You’re not suggesting every depressed kid gets cancer though because it might not have the same effect. 

Sollux looked at your arms and then peeled some of the raised skin on his own arms, still torn up from the last time he touched cold metal to his hot skin. You felt your stomach take a turn just watching him hurt like this and your body temperature rose. He raked his nails along it now biting his lip, tears gathering in the corner of his eyes maybe not from pain, but the embarrassment of weakness. You pulled the sleeve back down to their full length grabbing at the back of the shirt and pulling it over your head. 

You’d gotten his attention. You kicked off your shoes and socks, unbuttoned your grey skinny jeans, slid them down your legs with the boxers and stepped out. You folded your shades and put them on the small table near the door. You closed the small gap between you two and pulled his harmed arms apart, slipping his shirt off him. He didn’t say anything as you undressed him, but he would look at you with eyes full of questions and you would just look back steadily. The two of you entirely vulnerable now with not even a tinted lens to defend you. You noticed drops of blood remaining behind on the removed material.

You went into the bathroom turning on the bathwater and letting it fill. He stands in the room with you making it extremely evident that this is a single bathroom. You lightly touch the tips of his fingers and he readily grabs your hand. He opens his mouth but says nothing. You sit at the back of the tub bringing him between your legs, the water still filling around you as liquid warmth. Both your hands run up and down his submerged arms with extreme caution to the uprooted skin. You made sure the water was just the right temperature because you know how it hurts on tender skin.  
You plant kisses on his neck and back like trees hoping that they will grow to be strong and lend him that strength because god knows he needs it. You breathe deeply in between each one seeing him shiver with every touch of warm air. Neither one of you has spoken, but he turns your arms over in his hands taking time to look closely at what you used to be, at all the mistakes you made and you can tell when he starts weeping quietly. You turn him around slowly until he’s straddling you and your wet hand touches what was once his dry face. “I hate…” he begins, but a sharp intake of breath, a certain unknowing, and a kiss stop him.

It isn’t lustful the way it has been before. There's more want than you had imagined was capable in this relationship you had. It isn’t sexual and it isn’t just because you can it’s because it’s what’s needed. He needs you to be here and now with him and he needs you to hold him so you do. The water crawls down your arm and drips off your elbow when you push them up his back to squeeze him into you more. His back arches being pushed into you and he puts more pressure on your shoulders where his hands lie. He relaxes into you, warmth from him transferring to you, you open your eyes. The tears on his cheeks are rolling down faster now and the kiss stops. He says, “I hate existing.” You lower your arms down him back into the water, he is as close as you can get him, but it’s not good enough. 

You rest your head on his chest below his shoulder and he brings his hands through your hair. You kiss his bare body. Every part you can reach and you just keep saying ‘I need you here’ and he says to you ‘I can’t do this’, but you try to convince him with every melodious movement and trickle of water that reverberates off the walls in the bathroom every time you push yourself further into him and every time he says your name; be it a scream, a gasp, a moan, or a cry. You know your lines by now and you just keep rehearsing them.

He wears your clothes to bed. He puts on one of the sweatshirts you own and he wears a pair of your boxers, the only ones with yellow on them. It was covered in different fruits each with their own pair of shades on, he laughed when he put them on and so did you. He crawls under your covers and leaves room for you to fit comfortably beside him. He does everything like a child who's just asked to stay the night in his mother's bedroom because he’s scared to be alone. You breathe yourself in and out because that is all you can smell on him, each breath getting longer as you fall into sleep. When you had closed your eyes he was just watching you with furrowed brows. You could hear him as he swallows and finally settles in.

“I love you.” He says.

“I love you too.” You say. You hold him because you know his skin still whispers to him and he needs to be held.


	13. The Other Other Boy

Something brings you back to consciousness, you blink your eyes relentlessly trying to rid the sleep from them. You sat in bed staring at Sollux in front of you, finally seeming at peace, as you try to figure out why you are awake. You closed your eyes thinking you could squeeze in some more rest while you think. There was a drift of air and an impatient clearing of a throat behind you, pulling you out of sleep for the second time this morning.

“I don’t mean to interrupt…” The voice, to be quite honest, sounded prickish. You flipped your body to face the new arrival, taking immediate note of his lengthy scarf, ray ban glasses, and purple tuft of hair. 

“What time is it?” You mumble, and stale breath tumbles out.

“ten o’ two, most people are out of bed by now, but I guess Sol and his boyfriend are the exception aren’t they? Just like him to wind up with someone equally as lazy and unmotivated as he is. God forbid he do something-”

“Jesus Eridan will you shut the fuck up” Finally the unexpected visitor had woken him. “Not all of us are up at the crack of dawn. Why do you have such a big concern with me wasting my life if I'm still in bed at 10:02 on a saturday morning, anyway? I deserve to sleep in, I had a vigorous night last night.” You looked to Sollux for the ok to joke about last night when the whole event wasn’t funny. He smiled at you, and you knew you were getting to the guy. He obviously had a thing for Sollux. 

“Whatever,” _holy mother is that an accent if you’ve ever heard one_ “You just…” He looked at the floor “You didn’t seem alright last night at the musical.” Was he there last night? In the small audience somewhere? “I mean I couldn’t just leave the stage right away to find you and then you were gone and I,” he seemed to decide then and there to stop being so modest “I just thought I’d do the decent human thing and come check on you. I didn’t know you and your boyfriend would be so intimate when I showed up- ”

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

The boy paused then and with a look of sass he said, “Oh really Sol, because I don’t know any two platonic people who sleep together half naked.” You must’ve been the half he referred to. You hadn’t bothered putting back on a shirt last night. 

“Okay so we’re not completely platonic, but we’re not romantically involved. Only...sexually.” He gave a devilish smile and you saw the poor kid (Eridan was it?) practically die inside. And then he was revived by this new anger and redness in his face. 

“So what? You’re just fucking people without bothering to have a substantial relationship? What does this do to your chances of having an actual relationship one day or worse the way you conceive that relationship? What if we-” The red took on a new meaning now as he flushed tenfold. He turned promptly on his heel and strode out the door. Sollux hopped over you, complaining under his breath and went after him. 

He didn’t come back until sometime after eight that night, and he was exuberant. Swear to god you could practically see a glow on his face that illuminated his every gander. It was this very act that made you realize Sollux was in love. This and every time after that when he came home overjoyed or extremely irritated. He may not have known it himself yet, but he was in deep. He and Eridan had become a package deal the moment Sollux chased after him. You had been what he needed and vice versa and for that you’d grown to love each other strongly, but you would never create this extreme elixir of emotion for him. And he would never do that for you either. It was obvious Sollux was still interested in pursuing his passionate youth and you weren’t going to be the one to keep him from that. Even if that meant you didn’t have sex anymore. You can do that. Just don’t fuck your roommate. 

He comes home one afternoon when you had just came back from your fifth cycle and thanksgiving at the Strider household. You’d had plenty of everything which meant meds galore and you felt far too drained to deal with his pissy attitude towards the world. “You know what ED said to me today?” Sollux said, throwing his sweatshirt on the post of his bed.

“Hey Dave you’re back, I’ve missed you a lot.” You spoke to yourself using the best of his voice that you could muster.

Sollux paid no attention. “He said that, playing video games professionally isn’t a job! I told him to tell that to all the money I made last year.”

“Oh, Dave are you okay I know that chemo’s really tough on the body and I can’t imagine how bad it is.” 

Not even a pat on the back for this hella fine impression. “So I told him acting isn’t a profession!” 

“Well dear Sollux, Chemo makes you _so_ tired that you just wanna sleep for years and maybe even cry out of frustration of how bad it is. I remember my first time I was up the whole night with terrible stomach pains and I was throwing up and my whole body ached and I just didn’t want to eat, but of course they made me. Then that was the stuff I was throwing up and I couldn’t stand because it just made me wanna throw up more so I spent my time in the bathroom, begging them to stop feeding me and to just leave.”

He had finally stopped talking, so you continued. “But no, I had been stripped of my right to privacy because there I am collapsed and crying and I needed someone to sit there and watch me, not actually capable of doing anything to help me, in case of an emergency. Well it felt like an emergency to me. I only did the chemo for my brother I guess because I honestly would’ve rather died, like maybe hire a trained assassin in an assisted suicide because I was so done with it and it’s not like it’s a sure fire method either. I could still be dying, just a terribly gruesome and prolonged death with a sliver of false hope instead of maybe I dunno a bullet.” He was pacing the floor listening to you with crossed arms, a knit brow and nothing to say. “Don’t insult his acting Sollux.”

“He insulted me first!” 

“Sollux, I know you’re having boy troubles but I just want to take a nap, not figure your life out.”

“Sorry,” He grabbed the blanket and tried to push you further into the bed so he could join.

“No way man, it’s too warm.” 

“You’re such a liar it’s fucking freezing in here.” He gets in the bed against your protests and you’re just a little pleased to have his extra layer of heat because it is, in fact, fucking freezing in here. You use your strong will to not cuddle him while you drift in and out of sleep. You realize he’s just been sitting there quietly when he gets out of bed and you hear him moving things in the room near his bed then near his computer. You drift away again until some heat leaves your torso with the lifting of the blanket and is restored tenfold with another warm blooded being. You drift away yet again until the bed creaks and theres a light amount of weight added on top of you and a door opens and closes. 

At three in the morning you wake up. The room is dark so you pat around you for your phone to give you some light. You click the power button when you finally find it at your feet and shine it about the room. Sollux is gone and his blanket is on top of you. You are slightly disoriented and it does not register in your mind that Sollux is not in the bathroom so you jump up to check, just in case he had been stressing out more than you knew or he had found the razorblades you hid. You remember hearing him leave then and your heart slows to it’s average pace. 

You go back to your blankets and put a movie in his computer. Listening to key phrases, but not truly taking in the movie. Something about bears. You open your backpack and do some of the homework you were assigned the day before. You’re finally thankful your classes are so early because you couldn’t handle waiting more than 4 hours for something to do. 

You ran out of homework quickly and the movie ends so you browse around his computer. Looking at his files and just generally snooping for (porn) nothing in particular. You opened his photos and saw plenty of Sollux. Plenty of Sollux doing stupid things, celebrating holidays with what you assumed was his family, and hanging out with these two girls. First there was a curvy girl with long curly red hair making fishy faces in almost every picture. They seemed genuinely happy together. The way Sollux looked at her, not with lust but with desire. Not the way he’s ever looked at you, but the way he looks at Eridan now. Halfway through the photos of her Sollux stopped looking at her that way and she made less fishy faces and mixed in with those photos were photos of him and another girl. She was still shorter than Sollux (but who isn’t?) and she had wild black hair that flew in many directions. She had a calm smile on her round face and you could see Sollux’s look again. That look of desire. And then there weren’t any more pictures.

You felt a little wrong seeing those memories when you would’ve much rather seen something less personal. Like dick pics.

The next time you saw him you didn’t say anything. You probably never would, but you asked him if you could borrow his computer when he’s gone. He waved it off and said, “As if you haven’t been using it already.”

“Yeah but now I don’t have to feel guilty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as of this chapter this story has the word count of a novella


	14. The Window Behind The Computer Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which I attempt a flashback????????

Sollux was always gone. You found yourself with so much unwanted time on your hands you even contemplated making new friends, but how? Just start talking to people in your classes for no reason when you’ve spent the entire time here trying not to make friends. Why again? Oh yeah. You’re cancerous.

You felt like you had watched the entire internet and you were only a third of the way into the month of December. You peeked over the computer at all the students walking on campus. There were the usual college kids with coffee in one hand, a chain full of keys in the other, and an overflowing backpack being held up by their shoulders which carried the burdens of a lifetime. You felt a moment of gratitude towards your cancer because you never stressed out as much as these kids about the future. Or at least not on the same aspects of your future.

You saw a group of kids sitting on a bench in the shade of a tree, in a large circle conversing. You watched them for a moment before seeing some smoke billowing out from the center of their pot circle. You searched through the moving current again, pretending you hadn’t seen anything in case someone asks and your heart thumped once then twice as you recognized his familiar hair. You wondered instantly how many times John had walked past and you had just been sitting at the computer oblivious to his passing. You thought about the way he walked with the weight of his keyboard on his back and where his eyes might’ve been looking. If only it had been up. 

You glued your eyes to the window the day after that. And the day after that. And dear god the day after that too, when finally you saw him. You’d like to sound calm and collected but as you’ve stated before: you lose you cool when it comes to John. Your first instinct was to get up and go and you made it almost all the way outside, puffing heavy breaths from the strenuous jaunt, but you stayed just inside the doors of your own building. 

You eyes picked him out from the crowd, walking away from you, only the back of his head again. Your chances were pretty high that you could’ve caught up to him, but maybe that’s why you didn’t go. You hadn’t thought through anything of what you would actually do, you hadn’t spoken to him since you had last yelled at him. He was probably done trying to be your friend. Your Bro had told you before to give it up, but this last time that you went home things were different. Starting with the fact that Terezi was there.

When you had realized after waiting a good amount of time at the airport back in Texas that no one was going to pick you up you got yourself home. You took a long ride with a stranger in a funny smelling car that many had been in before you, all the while being a little upset that no one remembered you were coming home. Walking inside Bro’s apartment (and your old one; you don’t really live there anymore you suppose) you saw her face. That is after seeing her bare naked ass just strolling through the place as if she always had. 

“Rezi? Why are you here and not clothed?” 

“Your brother called you about this Dave! Really,” she sighed, “You can’t be bothered to remember something as important as me?” She twirled a 360, making a fake ‘I’m better than everyone’ gesture that neither of you believed. It occurred to you then that your brother had _in fact_ called you the night of the musical. And the Hospital. And the bathtub. Basically, a lot happened that night and it must’ve slipped your mind.

“So where’s Bro?”

“Ha! He just left to go get you! That is just too funny, I bet-”

“Wait. So should I call him and tell him I’m home? Like that’s what a respectable young lad at my age would do, right?”

“Dave! You interrupted me! You’re no respectable lad for any age.”

“Sorry, you’re right I will wait until after you are done talking to call Bro. Because I care.”

“Or instead of calling him maybe we could use this time to ourselves?” Terezi is usually a more of a child-you-wouldn’t-want-to-come-across-in-a-scary-movie type of person, but now as she ran her hands down her already naked body she seemed more adult than ever. 

You swallowed hard.

“TZ...What are you talking about?” You knew perfectly well what she was talking about.

She slinked her way across the room until she was close enough to touch your face. “I’ve thought about it before, haven’t you? Doesn’t now seem like the perfect chance?”

“So... I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought about it, but I mean really shouldn’t I call Bro?”

“Dave, he’ll be okay. Just think about right now. What do you want to do?”

Again with the lump in your throat and your need to swallow hard and try to push it back down into nonexistence. You have always wanted to…

“Yeah.” You said, which would’ve been construed as an incorrect answer to anyone but her, your best friend. She moved in slowly and so did you, pausing before any contact of lips was made, just feeling the space between you both and the space you’d left behind. The softness of her lips finally touched the chapness of yours. Your movements had become (and you didn’t mean to get all southern just because you’re in texas, but) slower than molasses. 

To think you’d kissed so many girls before, always holding out hope that they just weren’t the right girl, that it was because you loved Terezi that you never felt anything towards them, and yet here you are and not a single emotion except disgust was present. Not towards Terezi, no, you loved her and you always would, but to yourself because you weren’t _in_ love with her and that if you didn’t feel anything for her than you didn’t feel anything for any of the girls. 

She touched your hand then, leading it to her smooth body and you’d expected her boobs, but nope, she just jumped right in. Just dived. Like a motherfucking olympian. Doesn’t anyone see the “No Diving” sign? I mean big red letters just sitting there, eager for eyes. 

You touched something that day you’d rather not touch again. It was slimy and squishy, entirely alien to you and in no way arousing at all. You sprung back away from her as soon as a single finger made it’s acquaintance. 

“Hey Terezi I don’t think I can do this.” You blurted the words as quick as you could, hoping to not have offended her.

Then laughter erupted from Bros room because Bro is actually the shittiest.

The bastard stepped into the room practically slapping his knee while doing the happiest jig known to man with his head thrown back on his way out. “Dave, that was perfect! I should’ve taped it! “Baby bro’s first encounter” That would be it’s name oh or or _or_ “Baby bro finds out he’s gay!”

“Bro this is seriously twisted I could go and turn you in for this and if you taped it, it would’ve been child pornography.” 

“Dave you’re not a minor anymore. Trust me I know my stuff.”

“Terezi I can’t believe you would play along with this. Both of you are not of sane mind and together you’re...you’re…-”

“Unstoppable!” Terezi provided and Bro nodded, giving her a thumbs up.

You glanced at Terezi’s still naked body. “You guys aren’t…”

“Yeah we did,” Bro said, “But that was only the first night.”

“The first night?!” Your eyebrows shot up and your hands flew out, questioning, “You didn’t even make it through one night before you fucked? I wasn’t expecting one night. Honestly who does that? Oh yeah sick, twisted, out of their minds people like you two.”

“Dave you’re so unfun.”

“Wait. What If I wasn’t only, you know, into guys? What If I had sex with her? Were you just going to sit on your room and listen to it the whole time? Bro, you’re really crossing some lines.”

“Dave. I knew for a fact that you were gay when we planned this whole thing. Besides, I’m sure Terezi would’ve stopped, knowing that I was in the other room.”

“Nope.” Terezi interjected a smile on her face. “I would’ve let him fuck me right here. I’ve heard stories from some of the guys from our classes and they say you’re pretty good. I would’ve liked to have found out for myself.”

Bro and you both looked at her with some shock now. You turned to Bro slowly. “This was an all around terrible idea don’t even deny it or try to defend it.” You said sternly.

He replied in the same manner, “I Have come to realize that it was probably one of the worst ideas I’ve had so far.” 

“So it’s official then, right?” Terezi said.

“What is?” You asked.

“You’re gay,” they both said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for struggling through this with me so far you cute patoot


	15. The Window Behind The Computer Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a short chapter, but that's okay it quality not quantity! Wait, that means I'm fucked.

“This John kid. How much do you even know about him? Do you even know his last name? You said you only knew him for a week.”

“You think I don’t know his last name? It’s Egbert, and just because we only talked for a week straight, learning a lot about each other I might add, doesn’t mean we’ve only known each other for a week. I’ve known him since the day I got there, he was the first friend I made, even before my roommate and now what is it today? November 24th, 25th?”

“It’s the 25th,” Terezi helped you out.

“Yeah and I know plenty about him we just got into a very small argument, like itsy bitsy teeny weeny.”

“Yellow polka dot bikini.” You highfived Terezi immediately for the teamwork combination. You guys just had a really strong connection. Probably from the kissing. Or being best friends. Anyone’s guess.

“So what’s the plan?” Bro asked.

“I dunno. I just want to be his friend again. I miss him.”

“Just friends?”

“Yeah, unbelievably enough it is possible. Trust me, I can do this, I’m a Strider.”

“Dave, did you hear yourself just now? _You’re a Strider._

“Bro, shut up, I said I can do it so I can.”

“Alright so maybe you just start with the small stuff to try to fix shit.”

“The small stuff?” Terezi asked incredulously, “You need to do a big gesture, like holding a boombox outside his window, or singing an original song for him, or-”

“Or buy him a ring? Terezi, he’s not trying to romance him he’s trying to friend bed him.”

“Wait no I’m not going to bed anyone. Just friends and that’s all.”

“Come on Dave where do you think they got the term friends kissing?”

“...What?”

“Friends kissing? Y’know when two friends use tongue.”

“Oh my fucking god, Bro. It’s _french_ kissing.” Dave couldn’t help a smile.

“...Yeah okay I see it now. There are a few people I have to apologize to.” And as quick as he came, Bro retreated back into his bedroom, leaving just you and unclothed Rezi again.

“Alright so what would you do if you were trying to win a friend back again?”

“Alright, let me be entirely frank with you. I am Fank, nice to meet you,” You chuckled and let her continue, “It depends who they are Dave. People really can’t be generalized, remember something unique to him and try to appeal to that. That’s what I do. Or replace whatever you broke of theirs.”

“For a moment there it was like I was talking to a sane human being, but in the end, it turns out I was talking to you.”

The joyous girl giggled, “So what are you going to do?”

“I have no idea, I guess I should apologize sometime, I mean I was kind of a dick. It’s not his fault he’s not gay, he’s just really really friendly with specific guys sometimes. It happens.”

She nodded in agreement and sat on the couch, leaning back to look up at you on the other side of it when you said, “Why are you still naked?”

“Dirk said and I quote ‘you’ve got a fab ass’ so we agreed that we should walk around however we please.”

For a second you just stood there, soaking in the knowledge, then you sat down on the couch next to her when she flipped on the television.

Bro appeared next to you on the couch when he heard sword fighting from the scene on screen.

“So what’d you decide you were gonna do lil’ man?”

“I’m going to be friendly as fuck and apologize when the time is right.”

“There’s no such thing as right or wrong time! Now could be the time! Just text him. Do it right now. Tell him you love him. Tell him.”

“I don’t love him.”

“That’s a little harsh, he’s your friend isn’t he? I love my friends. And I,” he took a big dramatic sniff in through his nostrils and said, “And I love you.”

“Oh my god. Yes, fine I love him. I love John Egbert.”

“That’s the spirit, now tell him.”

You slipped your phone out of your sweatshirt pocket and scrolled through the few contacts you had left. There was his name, just sitting in the list with everybody else you don’t text anymore. You opened your conversations with him, reviewing slightly at the long past conversations before tapping on the word bar. You typed out the word ‘hey’ and paused. You looked up at Bro who was totally zoned into the T.V. now. You exited the conversation and took notice of the characters incorrect fighting stance.

~

Chemo was rough that weekend. You felt like it would’ve been okay to die instead since everyone had been preparing for and anticipating your death anyway. You went though and, for four and a half hours, you let a nice girl stab you with needles and push chemicals into your veins to “keep you alive”. To survive a little longer really. Bro took you home without any small talk. You used the medical marijuana Bro had supplied you with long before and sat in your bed staring at one of the lava lamps that was apparently in your room. Funny, you don’t remember putting it there, but you didn’t question it’s presence. You just let yourself feel like a bubble. 

The next day Bro played some video games with you and asked tenderly if you were okay. You’re pretty sure you responded, but you can’t quite remember what you said. You woke up in your bed again the next morning when you should have taken a plane back to Wisconsin the day before. You flipped the sheets off of you and sat up quickly, letting the dizziness slap you in the face. “Ugh, what the hell? Why didn’t I leave yesterday?” You grabbed a water bottle by your bed and a bottle of pills, popping a few in your mouth.

“You said you were tired, so I figured you could stay home a little longer.”

“A little longer? I’ve been home for like a week for thanksgiving!” You were shoving your shit back into your bag now as you said, “Set up a flight.”

He rolled his eyes at you, “Dave, don’t you think you should stop going back?”

“Have the doctors said it’s going to kill me?” 

“No, but they don’t recommend it and we’ve been pushing our luck with this honestly. I’ve been letting you go back and forth, but you’re getting weaker and I’m starting to think it’s not a very good idea.”

“Don’t say I’m weak I’ve been getting treatment, haven’t I?”

“Is it working?”

“Yeah.”

“You really believe that?”

“No.”

“Dave stay, it’ll be better for you.”

“...But then I’m not living at all.”

“But you can do all your living after it’s over!”

“Bro you know it’ll never be over.”

“Dave…”

“Did you set up a flight?”

“It’s at noon.” He had said with a range of emotion varying from distress to desolation.

Now, whenever you backdown from an opportunity like talking to John, you recall the fact that you told your brother you were trying to be alive. You felt you owed it to his solemn expression to try a little harder. You still stood leaning on the wall of your ground floor watching John walk away from you through a glass door. Until you were watching John turn back as he walked forward, to see you standing there. You smiled at him and he smiled back.


	16. Nooks And Crannies

John had learned to look up eventually when he didn’t find you in the doorway. You both began to exchange smiles and waves and it was small but it most definitely was something. You were finally climbing that damn friendship ladder that you had been avoiding for too long. You were happy about this ladder yeah, but sometimes you were scared you just weren’t able to tell the difference between climbing a ladder and falling into a pit. Because every time you woke up there were words on the tip of your tongue leftover from whatever it was you were dreaming about. 

You started compiling those words one day as you sat at the computer, looking over the top of it and out the window. John had already came and gone that day, he had given you a smile, a wave and a nod. You swiveled in the five wheeled chair and reclined with your feet on the desk before the keyboard. It didn’t matter what the words meant, no one would ever have to know that you were making such gay ass music. Yeah, no one has to know. 

“My mind isn’t thinking,  
your name is on the board,  
slowly I am blinking,  
and numbers come to shore,  
none of the memorized equations,  
will soon add up to you,  
you the prime number,  
with no nice square root-”

“That sucks. Maybe instead of singing love songs you could be actually doing your math homework.” Sollux entered the room then, accompanied by Eridan.

“It’s a rough draft,” you said unaffected, but yeah, affected.

“Well, I think it’s nice that you’re being so romantic for someone it’s a great quality to have…” Eridan eyed you down conspicuously, but not conspicuous enough, playing with Sollux’s hands as he sat before him on his bed, “You didn’t write any songs for Sollux did you?”

“Jesus, Eridan,” You said putting your feet on the ground to turn towards the pair, “I don’t think you’ve ever talked to me without trying to see if I’m in love with your boyfriend first.”

“Well if you’d just tell me straight forward I’d stop asking.” He pouted.

“Yeah Dave how bout it? You still hot for this captor ass?”

“I am in fact passionately lusting after that booty. And for Eridan’s choice ass too, of course.”

Eridan combed through his tuft with his fingers and sat on the bed, lounging against the wall, “Whale, you’re not the only one,” He boasted.

“Yeah calm down,” Sollux said, “It’s not like theres that many.”

“You got competition Sollux?” You asked.

“Ha, as if. I’m like an adult against toddlers when it comes to a pinata.”

“Am I the pinata in this scenario?” Eridan questioned.

“Shhh,” Sollux said, putting his hand up to silence him and then pretending to whack at him with a bat.

“Hey!” He objected, but giggled anyway.

“This has been fun,” you said, “but I don’t want to be in the middle of this lovey- dovey couple stuff you’re doing,” you pointed out their continuous motion of their connected hands, “so I’m gonna go do this math homework in the library.”

“You should really work on that rap too.” Sollux added.

“It was a rough draft!” You said, closing your textbook, grabbing your loaded backpack and slamming the dorm room door. You weren’t really mad, but it’s always fun to make a dramatic exit. Until you remembered that it’s winter in Wisconsin and you can’t leave a building unless you have a minimum of five layers on. Maybe the Wisconsinites didn’t feel that way, but you were a Texan and to you this was a tundra. You slowly opened the door in shame.

“It’s Christmas eve,” you said calmly in a hushed tone, “and it is fucking freezing outside.”

They snickered quietly behind you and you didn’t make eye contact with them as you threw on a sweatshirt over your longsleeves and then put on large padded jacket. Next you wrapped a scarf around your neck and squished a hat onto your head, saving the mittens for last. You turned to them now and said monotonously, “rough draft,” and proceeded to slam the door again. Nice save, Dave.

Oh wait, not really because you had left your back pack in the room. The slow opening of shame began again. You turned the knob and opened the door a sliver, only enough to stick your hand in and drag your backpack out.

Now you were set.

You took your time on your way over to the library in attempts to stall doing homework. You passed the theatre and thought of John, peeking into the window as you meandered, but you saw not even a light on inside. They had finished a big project just last month after all. 

In the small community of college buildings you noticed the church you never bothered to go in. The architecture and glass stained windows compelled you in however. You didn’t spend much time inside as you realized how utterly boring it was. You sat on a pew in the very back of the small chapel at the top of the building and tried to pray. You tried to connect to some holy spirit, but nothing special happened and you wound up just feeling stupid. It’s so blatantly obvious that you don’t belong in here. It’s funny because normally people turn to god when they know they’re dying sooner rather than later the way you are.

You stand to leave the room and find that someone has sat down on the pew adjacent to you. It was the small tan girl with the round glasses and the hermione granger like voice. Her eyes were closed in prayer and she looked deep in thought so you didn’t say anything. You exited the room, headed down the stairs (taking it slow and pausing in between sets for more breath), and in turn left the building.

You walked towards the library trying to push against the occasional strong wind that only knew how to barrel forward. Maybe you should’ve stayed inside the church, struck up a conversation with the girl. Do the making friends thing. You treaded forward, stubborn on your own decisions and could see the library in your sights now. You were getting pissed that the weather was so cold and yet it hadn’t snowed. It would be christmas tomorrow for fuck’s sake!

You took shelter in the library and found a nook to tuck yourself away in on the third floor (they have elevators, thank all that is good). In a very long aisle of books at the beginning of the floor layout there was a single large chair at the end. It was practically cooing at your rump it beckoned so hard. So you sat in it of course, and it was like merciful jesus to a sinner: Heaven. you had immediate trouble staying awake however so instead of bringing out your math homework, like a good student, you worked on that rap. Not because Sollux said it was shit. In fact you decided to keep the original words.

In your head.

My mind isn't thinking,  
And your name is on the board,  
Slowly I am blinking,  
Numbers come to shore,  
None of the memorized equations,  
Will soon add up to you,  
You the prime number,  
With no nice square root,  
Formulaic method,  
Algorithm repeats,  
Study the brains web,  
Psychology say something please,  
Still no understanding,  
Will even dare to come to me,  
So I start to study history,  
Every century past,

 

Sollux was right. This is total shit. Why are you writing it anyway? Because maybe one day he might want to hear it and you could share it with him and he’d fall in love with you and everything would be easier. This wouldn’t make anyone fall in love, it’s terrible. You kept writing it anyway because you found it hard to stop.

 

Try to conclude something  
Something that just might last  
And chemistry drains me  
Should it fizz or glow  
For the teachers I plead  
Even none of them know  
Page upon page could be  
Written out just for me  
And still I won't comprehend  
But by then I’ll know french  
To you I won’t shy I’ll sigh and reply in a cry  
Il prend toutes mes forces pour ne pas t’aimer, but why?

Yeah, no more rapping about John. It only turns into this mushy pile of corn with two cups of cheese on top. And you say things you don't mean because you’re obviously not that interested in John, you’re just lonely. Very lonely. And he’s not even that desirable, I mean have you seen his buckteeth? Hell yeah you’ve seen those teeth, who are you kidding, he’s super desirable. 

And you can’t have him so you have to stop thinking about him so much. Really, you do.

You unzipped your heavy bag which sat at your feet and pulled out your work. When you opened your notebook, you began to write for him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it seems like filler, but I consider it necessary  
> Translation of french pour les paresseux: It takes all my strength to not love you.


	17. Coffee

You left the library when people’s heads began protruding into your aisle. It was just smudges in your peripheral vision at first, but it became overwhelmingly noticeable as time and the amount of people progressed. Once outside again you took the time to appreciate the holiday season making itself evident with decorations in every window you passed. You stepped inside a small breadshop for bread (what else would you get?) and sat at a counter facing out the window. You watched the passerby’s passing by, adorning all the usual holiday cheer that was tricolored scarfs and hats of red, green, and white. Long coat tails swooshed back and forth behind each set of ankles and calves, just high enough to cover the utmost area of the person and to not drag in the snow. If there were any yet.

You aren’t one to get excited about these occasions. When you were younger you used to only pretend you didn’t care, but now you treat it as just another day in the year. Even though on that day you didn’t have to attend classes and you got gifts from Bro and you usually got to spend time with him. Usually. You were going down in a few days to do your last cycle in this round of chemotherapy, so you would be celebrating christmas with him then. See? Just any old day out of the year. It was really just an excuse to amplify your family and relative interaction by 500%. 

You and Bro didn’t have a lot of relatives though. Bro never told you much about when you were little or who your parents were. He says that mom raised him and you for as long as she could and then she left. You’re not sure if when he says she “left” whether she really left or she killed herself. You didn’t care to ask because as far as you’re concerned he’s the only family you have. And you have a cousin who isn’t really a cousin who has a long term girlfriend and you consider both of them to be family. And you guess your friends are family too in that mushy I-love-you-but-I-would-never-fuck-you-but-oops-I-guess-I-did-fuck-a-few-of-you-but-I’m-not-in-love-with-you-I-just-love-you way. 

The sun had been edging down to the horizon as you sat inside the building, so you gathered your stuff to go. You put the rest of the bread back in the bag they handed it to you in and put your mittens back on. You began to meander down the rest of the street. Passing coffeeshops each looking identical to one another and wondering how they got any business. You wondered and wandered until you were in front of yet another coffee shop with almost no business whatsoever. That could’ve been because it was tucked away inside the trees with only a simple gravel path to indicate that there was any type of civilization beyond this point. You walked upon it as it lead you to a stone building washed in orangish light. You knew this building. It was The Coffee Corner. You stood outside it for a moment taking in it’s immediate beauty you hadn’t grasped before due to a preoccupation of the mind. 

That is, until you realized who was sitting in his usual place at the table in the large window sipping on a beverage from a large mug. Of course he still came here, what had you thought? What if he looks over here, you’re not prepared for that. Or maybe you are. You should say something shouldn’t you? That’s what anyone else would do, right? You prepared yourself mentally and tried to stop your knees from wobbling before taking a step forward. You shouldn’t have taken that step. It’s as simple as that, for as soon as you did a boy came back from the counter with his own mug taking your place next to John. You mean his place. It doesn’t belong to you, you have no claim to it, you shouldn’t be so selfish.

And then it was all hitting you like a brick wall over again. You had been climbing the damn friendship ladder right? It shouldn’t matter what he does with other people. If he wants to start dating boys that aren’t you that’s okay. It just sucks that it’s Karkat. The boy that took him upstairs when he was blatantly drunk. The boy that took care of him instead of you. The other boy. 

Your body reminded you now that you were tired as fuck and that you didn't want to stand anymore. Your vision began blurring as you peered in through the window at all the warmth that could’ve been yours. If you hadn’t pushed, if you hadn’t yelled, if you hadn’t been sick, if you hadn’t been dying faster than he was. The world seemed to be getting colder by the second, the heat leaving your body just as fast. It seemed to be the beginning of something all too familiar and all too unpleasant, but it was actually something new.

It was snowing. The **Irony**. You had been waiting for this glorious moment all of December and now that you were actually graced by the presence of snow you were having trouble appreciating it. You turned, taking the long way home because fuck cancer and fuck coffee. You walked slow because you had no energy and cars honked when you crossed the street, but fuck them too. Fuck the street lamps for leaving a gap of darkness in between each other and for making you feel like you can relate your personal struggles to street lamps. You’re not sure how long it had been snowing, but it was beginning to stick to everything now. It stuck to the grass, the sidewalks, the cars, the building, your coat, your hat, and even your sunglasses. It was like velcro to everything it came across. You took your shades off, stuffing them in your pocket and finding that the snow was about ten times whiter than you had realized. And the yellow light bounced up and down on it soft surface, playing a game of tag with the headlights drifting past. 

Oh and fuck ice. Fuck it’s cold hard slippery surface for making you fall because it’s not like you were down enough, right? The moisture began soaking into your red pants and you didn’t even care. Your ass hurt and so did the heels of your hands which hadn’t been saved by the thin blanket of snow. They were prickling little bubbles of dark red substance that was now smeared on the sidewalk, and for all the times you’ve seen blood you’d think you wouldn’t still feel so sick when you saw it. You were pretty sure this was a sign to just curl up in the snow and fall asleep because you didn’t feel like you could lift yourself anymore. You weren’t sure you even wanted to really.

“Oh my god! Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?” For the second time today you had found the small tan girl with the large circular glasses and the hermione granger voice. Er, she had found you. She was accompanied by a taller girl with long black hair much like her own except the majority of it was flipped to one side and she was wearing a long slick blue jacket. The short girl wore a short green jacket that acted as if it were a dress, complete with a tailored waist and v- neck like collar.

“I’m okay,” You said. You lied actually.

The small girl offered her hand. You stared for a moment, you didn’t really have it in you to-

“Hey, she’s holding out her hand you should take it.” The taller girl spoke and you realized she was quite familiar. She was the girl you had seen rehearsing in the theatre your first day here. And also sucking John’s unwilling dick. 

“Vriska! Can’t you just be nice? For gods sake we just met the guy and you’re already being a bitch.” You took the small girl’s hand and got to your sore feet.

“Did you really want to just sit here all night with your hand extended to a vegetable?”

“I’m not a vegetable.” You chimed in, clarifying you weren’t a vegetable because you aren’t.

“See he’s not a vegetable.”

“Alright, okay, I was just trying to back you up.”

“I guess you were kinda, weren’t you?”

“That’s what I’m saying.” 

The small girl sighed and gave a tiny smile, “I guess thanks then.”

“I guess you’re welcome then,” the tall girl said mirroring the smaller girls actions and tones, but with more verve. They sat for a second entranced by each other. You haven’t been home all day to avoid this kind of lovey dovey nature, your luck today is just fantastic. You felt the stupid common scratching of your throat as something tried to crawl out and instead of shedding blood in your esophagus, you began to shed tears. Slowly and quietly with little snivels and inconspicuous wipes at your cheek. My god, this is all too stupid to really be happening. 

The taller girl looked at you then, “Oh shit, Jade he’s leaking. What do we do?” 

“Oh, honey, are you okay?”

“No I don’t really think I’m okay at all right now. Is anyone ever just ‘okay’ when they cry?”

“I guess not… Would you like to talk about it? We’re going to coffee if you want to come.”

“But-” the tall girl tried to argue.

“Shh!” the small girl responded.

“Fuck coffee!” The troubled boy answered. You answered. You began walking in the same direction again, intent on getting home and wasting no time, even though you had to drag a rotting pile of meat called ‘your body’ with you. 

She called after you “It get’s better!” and you marked that off as a tally on your chart of ‘times said’.

This is the part of the story you have always hated to tell. When you tell stories, you’d rather it be to regale others with your bravery, Not to tell them about your weakness.

When you got home you went into the bathroom. You stepped into the shower. You jiggled a loose tile close to the ceiling that had fallen once and had been removed multiple times by habit since. Every time you checked to make sure Sollux hadn’t found them. The razors you had hidden from him. 

You pulled out the small blue pencil box with the tiny metal pieces sliding around on the inside and you brought it back to your bed with you. You pulled one out and ran your fingertip across the flat side of it. Your lip furled at the unwashable scent of metal, of blood. You began to shake in fear of yourself or in preparation. The idea of letting out some of the pressure that had been building up inside of you since before you even came to this school was enticing. Your arms stiffen and become heavy appendages attached to your torso. You feel the creaking in your muscles and bones like an old doll when you try to move them. The idea of relapsing staring you right in the face in attempt of domination and ownership.

You could just end it all now. You wouldn't have to deal with the consequences. You’d be in a blissful state of non- existence. You wouldn’t have to deal with all the disappointing stares from your classmates, or your friends, or Bro. You wouldn’t have to deal with cancer anymore. It’s a selfish wish, but such a nice one too. No more pressure to be anything. And it sucks.

It sucks knowing that you’re doing this for Bro and for Sollux and for John and for the classmates who don’t even know your name. 

You put the warm metal piece back in the box with the others and looked on for just a second longer. You closed the box quietly and left it on the floor, kicking off your pants, throwing off your jacket and crawling under the covers to sleep through the heavy rain pouring in your heart. 

_**It gets better.** _


	18. John

Sollux came home. He found the razors on the floor by your bed and he yelled at you.

“Dave I can’t believe you would even think about doing that again when you kept telling me how much better it is not to cut! And here you are with a box full of them!” He looked through the box as quickly as one would glance at the sun, then put it down again. “Let me see your arm.” He demanded of you, in your half-awake state. You turned from facing away from him on your side to flopping down on your back for him to see your arms. His fingers prodded firm and gently over each one, examining your pale arms and each longtime faded dark mark. He dropped them back onto the bed and let out a puff of air. You opened your eyes slightly to see his back walking out the door.

“Sollux,” You groaned and the door shut anyway. You turned back onto your side trying not to cry like newly sprung offspring, but it was still too soon to feel alright. You hearts light thud was a stupid reminder of life. You felt it trembling and sinking, not having the strength to continue restlessly beating. You didn’t fight it. Just let it fall. You wish Sollux hadn’t left.

The door opened again, “Did you say my name?”

“Yeah?” You said to the inquiring boy.

“Well I wasn’t leaving you I was just throwing the...stuff away. Taking out the trash you know.” 

“Thanks for coming back,” You said to the wall.

“What happened?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Be es.”

“What?”

“I call B-S”

You laughed exasperatedly and felt him behind you then. His arm laying over you protectively and his breath warm in your ear. “Tell me,” He whispered. You cried like newly sprung offspring and you told him. 

Maybe you shouldn’t have because the next morning there came a knock on the door. You awoke quickly, feeling tears crusted to your eyelids and scratching them off disgustedly. The knock came again, followed by a voice. “Dave?” His voice.

 _Shit. Shit shit shit. Why is he here? Did he see you last night, is he mad?_ You pushed Sollux (practically off the bed) to wake him up.

“What the hell?” he yawned and you signalled to him hurriedly to keep it down. 

“John is at the door and I don’t know what to do!” You whispered quickly.

“Open the door, you dipshit!” He fell out of bed on his own accord then, in full attire from the day before and he opened the door. You looked down at your wrinkled shirt, then at your pants sitting on the floor, then at the mess of a bed you were sitting in and you dared to imagine what your face and hair looked like. Shit. Your shades were on the small table near the door. Near John. 

“Hey, come on in.” Sollux said, so fucking nonchalantly. 

“Ok, thanks.” You could hear his chipper morning voice because of course he’s a morning person. 

Then you could see him. Standing in front of you in a shade lighter than you’d always seen him, completely ready for the day, with surprisingly well kept hair. The condition of it must get worse as the day goes on because you’ve noticed that he runs his hands through it from time to time. Not right now, though because he had gloves on along with the rest of his winter attire which included a large puffy blue jacket that made him look like a cool marshmallow. Sorry, a cold marshmallow. 

“Hey, Dave.” He breathed, but no breath was given to you because you could not manage to fill your lungs. You looked down to avoid eye contact. 

“I expect you’ll be here awhile so you can take your jacket off if you’d like.” Sollux invited, so fucking calmly. God, he’s never been this hospitable or polite for that matter. What the hell is he up to? 

John started taking his jacket off and you stood up, trying not to think about how thin and unattractive your exposed cancer-affected legs were, and said, “I have to pee.”

You crossed the cramped room, passing him, catching a hint of his identifying scent, and took a hold of Sollux by the arm. “Would you mind coming with me?”

“Yeah, sure, feel free to sit on my bed or just look around the room John.”

With the door closed you demanded of him, “Did you plan this? If you’ve done something you need to tell me.”

“I texted John last night.”

“You don’t even have his number.” You squinted at him.

“Yeah, but you do, so I used your phone.”

“You texted him on my phone? Did you tell him it wasn’t me or…?”

“Well, ...it didn’t come up.”

“What do you mean it didn’t come up that should’ve been the first order of business! What exactly did you say to him?”

“I just texted him and said ‘we need to talk’ and he agreed.”

“But how did he respond?”

“I don’t know, Dave. It was late, I was tired, the conversation is on your phone just read it.”

“I left my phone out there with John.”

“Then go back out there.”

“I’m not wearing pants.” 

“He knows that.”

“I’m not going to put on pants in front of him and I’m not going to just sit out there without any pants.”

“Why the hell can’t you put pants on in front of him?”

“Because it draws attention to my chicken legs! Could you just get me a pair of pants? It doesn’t matter if they match or anything, just as long as they’re not see through.”

“Fine, but you’ll come out afterwards, right?” 

You groaned, “What am I supposed to say?”

“Whatever you need to say,” He replied and left you alone in the bathroom.

You heard their mumbled voices, realizing that he had probably heard yours and then Sollux was back. And he brought pants.

“He’s obviously still into you I mean he acts pretty suspicious of why we’d need to be in a bathroom alone together.” He said, with a satisfied smirk as he handed you the material.

“Yeah I’d be suspicious too if I was at someones place and they were having secret meetings on the can.”

“Okay, to be fair neither one of us is actually peeing.”

“Sure, but one of us said they had to pee and they weren’t lying. It’s me by the way. I have to pee. Get out.”

“Wow, so rude. I didn’t have to bring you pants. Show a little gratitude.”

“ _Thank you, Sollux_. Now if you don’t mind I’m about to piss myself.”

So he closed the door behind himself and the murmurs on the other side of the door began again. You did the peeing thing and then you pulled your pants on one leg at a time, with a little jump at the end because they’re skinny jeans. You put your hand on the knob and began to twist it. The murmurs stopped, as if adding to the anticipation. you let the tension you’d built up in the knob unwind as you let it go. One murmur. Two. 

You can’t just sit in the bathroom all day. You opened the door swiftly, stepping into the room as if there was nothing important on the other side. 

“sup,” you said because you can be calm. It's just John. It’s just John. It’s just John.

**Holy shit it’s John.**

“Hey,” he said. You grabbed your shades off the small table right as you exited the bathroom.

“So…” Sollux said, “You guys should probably go catch up, like go to the park or something and talk.” Not the park where the leaves were.

“I thought you said I’d be here awhile?” John said with a little innocent curiosity and a little sass and a little worry.

“I had forgotten that Eridan is coming over soon and I’d rather this not become some awkward double date. Though I’m sure ED would love to see that… um that you’re finally wearing some pants Dave.”

Really? Pants was the best cover up he could’ve come up with? Eridan would love to see that you’re not trying to get with him is what he was going to say.

“How little do your wear pants?” John asked you, which was the most talking either of you had done since the musical.

“Apparently little enough for it to be an accomplishment.” You glared at Sollux, but cracked a small smile because it was kind of classically cliched.

“Yeah and now that you’re wearing pants you two should go. ED just said he’s on his way and if you two are still here we won’t get to hang out on our own and you two won’t get hang out on our own.” You eyed Sollux down, trying to convey to him that you didn’t want to be on your own with John, that you didn’t know what to say, but he wasn’t having any of it.

John said, “I didn’t eat any breakfast yet, if maybe you want to get some?”

“Ummm,” You said in attempts of stalling, but all you could think was how dumb you sounded dragging out the um so you said, “Sure.” 

“Alright,” He said and he smiled that smile. The nothing special, but everything wonderful smile.  
With all his stupid teeth showing which wouldn’t be attractive to most people if they saw it in pictures or out of context, but right now with it directed at you and only you, with the sheer intention of being seen by you, you felt yourself weak once again. 

But you stood anyway.


	19. The Key

Awkward. Of course Awkward has seven letters because what number is more Awkward than seven? It’s those six, eight, and four letter words that are divisible and aren’t prime numbers (there’s nothing more awkward than being a prime number) that are numerically pleasing.

**Letter count is divisible:** | **Lettercount is prime:**  
---|---  
sometime |  maybe  
love |  unloved  
necessary | unnecessary  
like | dislike  
divisible | prime  
formerly-in-love-with | awkward  
  
It’s obvious you never actually did your math homework, and now, feeling a little guilty and regretful you are plugging math into your everyday life in the most illogical ways to try to make up for it. This is so lame, you aren’t some nerd who categorizes words based on letter count and intertwines academic terms with his sick raps and falls for boys who aren’t even gay. You don’t fall for people, they fall for you. With the exception of your first time with someone, but everyone feels that puppy love. Besides this is completely different. 

Here you are sitting in a bread shop holding a sweet roll and sitting at the same table you had sat at last night alone and you can’t even manage a bite because you know you can’t hold it down right now. You just kind of watch him take big bites of the small bun. He becomes conscious of the fact that you are watching him and he wipes at his mouth which is still moving mechanically. You see his obvious efforts to hurry and swallow and you look down at the table. _Jesus Dave, Don’t stare like that._

“It’s really good bread,” he laughed, poking fun at his eating habits and complementing the food at the same time.

“I know,” You said, but that isn’t good enough to create conversation so it falls flat. 

“And this place is pretty cool,” he said gesturing at the purple paint covering every wall and the lilac cursive font that graced it’s surface with various inspirational quotes. 

“Yeah,” You said. You should make some effort or you’ll just be sitting here in silence, letting the roll get sticky in your hand. Or you could make an excuse to leave, “I’m gonna get a bag for this, I’m not actually that hungry I guess.” 

“Uh, Yeah,” he said with a smile. If only you could muster just that much energy to be nice to him. You’re not sure why, but you were having difficulty with having a nice civil interaction with him. 

You traversed to the counter and grabbed a wax paper to hold the roll and a soft yellow plastic bag to put it in. You took your time getting back to John whose roll had vanished into what you assumed was the abyss of his mouth. “It’s hot in here. I mean it’s nice considering it’s freezing outside, but in here it’s like I’m in a sauna,” he said, fanning himself.

“Maybe if you took off more than just your mittens...” you suggested.

He smiled “Well, now I don’t have to put as much stuff back on as you.” You slipped your arms into your jacket and put your gloves on soon after. You just barely managed to zip your jacket up and when John offered to help, you promptly replied no. You twisted the scarf around your neck and pulled the loop down so it wasn’t choking you. He opened the door for you and you scoffed quietly, unplanned and a bit ashamed.

“So, where do you wanna go?” 

And for the first time you didn’t try to hide the fact that you weren’t like him, you reminded him that you were weak, because it hardly matters anymore. 

“Sorry, I forgot, I mean you seem just like everybody else- I mean you are like everybody else, but-”

“No John, I’m not,” you said and let it hang in the air a moment before you added, “I’m so much cooler.” You knew that’s something stupid you would say if this were any other day with any other person. He laughs and pushes gently on your shoulder and even through all the layers, you swear you can feel his warmth. 

“No you’re not Dave. You’re like the lamest.” You knew he was kidding, but you toyed with the idea anyway. _He can’t date you because you’re so lame._ You noticed him playing with a set of many keys and then excitedly he said, “hey, we could go to the theater! I have the keys for rehearsing, but I mean I can use them for other things too, right?”

“Really? What other keys do you have?” 

He pushed on your shoulder and said, “I’m definitely not supposed to use those keys, I don’t even know which ones go to what, and I don’t care if it’ll be fun I’m not going to.”

You talked him into it.

In the small brick community, where all of the buildings take the same stout horizontal rectangular shape and each were the same dirty shade of yellow, you stood at one of the clones trying each and every key. Well, John was trying the keys and you were keeping watch, leaning against the wall next to him. “I should not be doing this,” he continuously reminded you, “just a few more keys” you told him. 

A boy and girl came walking down the concrete road in between all the building so you turned to John and said, “So, Who’s your favourite superhero?”

“What?” He said, before his eyes glanced and his brain made the connection. He kept his hand near the key and the door and leaned back so his body was covering it, but he pulled you closer to him for extra coverage just in case. Or at least that’s what you think his motive was.

“I guess Spiderman is pretty cool. Maybe not his spider powers as much as all his sass. That’s how I rate my superheroes. How good are they with the sass?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. If they don’t have a good comeback then they just don’t deserve those powers.” They passed and you considered yourself safe, but you didn’t step back from John. He smiled at you lightly at first and then it was _the_ smile. You arched your eyebrows at him and he bit his lip and said, “Dave, I think…”

He paused. Maybe only a second or so passed it felt as though the moment went on forever, then he said, “I think I found the key,” and he pushed the door open, “Awesome.”

Inside was a hall similar to the theatre’s. It was like a miniature lobby was inside each building. You could observe some of it from the four glass doors you had been standing at, but now you could see that the artwork was all pottery. There was a calm blue shade of paint covering all of the walls and everything was entirely still. The only source of light was the sunshine streaming in from the doors, that is until a light clicked on at the end of the hall where John had gone. 

“Hey, Dave,” He called and you went to him, “look at all this clay.” There was a shitton lining the multiple sheves that took up almost every inch of the walls from the floor to the ceiling all the way around. The walls were white if you looked at them closely behind the potteries in process, but they were splattered with small chunks of clay and drippings of slip. All of the room was a light warm feeling from the yellow bulb hanging in the center of the room that you could just about reach and push if you wanted to throw all the rooms shadows. The light was just bright enough to illuminate without any help from the nonexistent windows. You let the metal door behind you come to a close and you were then in an isolated world of your own.

“You gonna make something?” you ask.

“What would I make?” He said, sitting down at a table with a small hunk of clay. 

“A vase obviously. Or you could make a mug that says ‘#1 Dad, Thanks for giving me the keys to everywhere.”

“Hey! My dad didn’t give me the keys, I got them from the drama department because I’m kind of the leader of the musicals.” He had ripped the clay piece in half and held the sticky substance out to you, “Here,” he said.

“What would I make? I don’t have a dad to make mugs for.”

You’d made him uncomfortable by bringing up the fact that you don’t have a nuclear family, but he managed. “Well, it doesn’t have to be a dad it can be a mother or brother or sister or something... Or it could be for you!”

You laughed at his scramble, taking the piece, and he perked up a bit, “Yeah I could make myself a mug that says ‘#1 Dave, the best at being Dave’ or ‘The alpha Dave’.”

“Yeah, you’re definitely the best Dave.” He agreed and he smiled at you, but you didn’t smile back. He was always doing this, flirting and not even realizing it, and it hurt.

“Careful with that flirting, won't your boyfriend get jealous?”

“What boyfriend? Dave, I’m not dating anyone.”

“Really? What about Karkat I mean you guys went upstairs together, that’s a pretty big commitment, but I guess you guys already seem like a married couple.”

“Went upstairs? What do you mean?” He squinted at you, trying to hide the worry in his eyes, but you saw it still.

“At the party, John. You and karkat were upstairs together.”

“Do you know what happened up there?” he said, his hands kneading the clay constantly.

“No, I really don’t know what happened and I don’t want to. It had nothing to do with me.” You saw his hands pushing harder and faster, “I mean I guess he seems like an alright guy and I don’t think he did anything you didn’t want him to.”

“But what if I was so drunk I did want him to? And I just don’t know what happened yet?”

“John being drunk doesn’t just make you gay for people.”

“Yeah, I know,” he snapped. This was the first time you’d seen John angry, you realized once more that you didn’t know him very well. 

“Well, Karkat seemed sober enough to make good decisions. I mean you know the guy, does he seem like the type?”

“No, but does anyone ever _seem_ like it? I mean I never thought Vriska was the type, but then one night she was.” 

You didn’t say anything. You didn’t know if you could or even should or what you even would say. So you watched him unball his fist, unfurrow his brows and say, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” You say because you know that’s what you’re supposed to say.

“No, Dave, _I’m sorry_. About what happened between us.” 

_Oh._ React. “No, man, I was being a total douchebag, I mean it’s not like it’s your fault you’re not gay. Really I should apolo-”

“Nooo I mean I’m sorry that I didn’t, y’know.”

“What?”

“Well, you know the thing that almost happened but then it didn’t because I was kinda being a butt.”

“John. Use your words.”

He rolled his eyes, putting his hand up to cover his face and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you. I like you. I like you a lot and I like being around you and I wanted to kiss you pretty bad, I did, it’s just that…”

His cheek were glowing red from underneath his fingers and you were glad he wasn’t looking because yours were too. “Just what?” You prompted.

“It’s just that I’m not gay. Or straight. Or bi or pan. Or anything really.”

“You're nothing?”

“Well, I'm not nothing” He let his hand fall from his eyes and after connecting with your shades he glanced away. “Up until very very recently I was pretty sure I was asexual because I didn't feel much sexual attraction to anyone. And even when I would date someone I never really felt like having sex. Like kissing and handholding and cuddling is good enough for me... usually," he sighed," I don’t know, it feels like none of the labels apply to me because it could be a guy or girl or stranger or close friend. There doesn’t seem to be a rule or pattern with me I just like who I like. I’m not a heterosexual and I’m not a homosexual, I’m John.”

“So, _John_ ” do you ask it? “Have you had sex before?” I guess you do.

His face flushed visibly in front of you and he looked back up at you. “God, You don’t just ask that question.” Apparently you shouldn't have.

“Sorry, you don’t have to answer it, I just thought while we’re on the subject…”

“No, I haven’t, but I’ve done a lot of other stuff, so it's not like I'm some nun.” 

“I never thought you were a nun. Do you enjoy doing the stuff?”

“Yeah, I guess I mean it feels good to everyone because it’s a release of dopamine which makes you happy and if I like the person I’m doing it with it feels even better because I’m making them happy.” 

“When did you figure out there was no pattern with you?”

“Okay so this sounds super cheesy, but when I met you I felt like I needed to know you and that hasn’t happened to me before that you just peaked my interest.”

“Yeah and our first encounter was so romantic.”

He laughed, embarrassed, “Yeah and so I got to know you some and found myself liking you more and then I had a dream.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah and that dream kind of helped me figure some things out. That and Karkat.”

“We’ll get back to Karkat. What’s this about a dream helping you have some sort of realization?”

“Dave, really?”

“Really.”

“Yeah, ok, so I had a dream about you and it was kind of...sexual and then when I first woke up I kind of had you on my mind a little and then I… I touched...me?”

Now no one could make eye contact and if you were both balloons this would be your popping point.

“Soooo, what’s this about Karkat?” You supplied a diversion, your cheeks as red as the clay you were molding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take break from story now but I shall be back in like three-ish weeks because wow life is happening


	20. Ghost

“He claims to know a lot about this kind of stuff.” John began about Karkat. “The whole love and romance stuff and I can’t really say he doesn’t because I don’t know that much to prove him wrong. Also he’s majoring in like psychology or something that deals with human behaviour and our brain wiring and he used a bunch of sciencey words I don’t know and can’t repeat. Anyway he’s really good friends with my roommate, Gamzee, so I’d see him when he came over to hang out a lot and then I guess I wanted to go to that Halloween party, but I didn’t want to go alone so he offered to go with me and at that point I did kind of know that he liked me a little, but I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t mind and if he wasn’t going to do anything about it then neither was I and so we went and I kind of got a little drunk-”

“Wasted, John. You don’t remember much of anything and it’s been over a month now.”

“Fine, so I got wasted and the next day he told me that I talked to you at the party and that I cried about you the whole way home,” there wasn’t much eye contact going on, “and so we talked about you and then we talked about me and what that meant and then he talked to me about my dad and then we talked about his dad and we really got to know each and we became great friends, but he never said anything about going upstairs at the party and I think he stopped flirting with me and now we’re kind of just amazing friends and so even though I don’t know what happened, I don’t think he would’ve done anything terrible. I really don’t think so.” He slowly squished his clumpy pile of clay then said, “What is it I said to you anyway?”

“You apologized.”

“Was that it?”

“Yeah that was the jist of it. You just kept apologizing for lying. No, I don’t know what you were lying about, but you said you were lying to me and to yourself and to everyone around you. And you were very sorry.”

“Oh… Yeah, I kind of feel like I’m lying to people by keeping who I am hidden. Especially you.”

“Hey, you said that too.”

“What?”

“You said ‘especially you’ like all vague and shit just the way you said it just now.”

“I’m trying to tell you... I’m sorry for not kissing you when I knew I wanted to and I knew that you knew and then I outright lied about it and then I got mad at you and made you walk home by yourself and that was a total jerk move.”

“It’s not totally your fault, I shouldn’t have tried pressuring you into coming to terms with it, everybody has their own time…” you let the room fall silent for a moment, “Okay so now that we’ve had our feelings jam like a bunch of girls, let’s do our arts and crafts.”

He laughed at the irony, brushing aside all seriousness as you had done, “So, are you going to make a Dave mug?”

“Actually, have you ever seen the 80’s movie Ghost?”

Your reply was probably too quick for cool.

By the loud laugh he gave out you assumed he’d seen it. “We are not doing that. I would rather _be_ a ghost before I’d do that with you.”

“Come on, Egbert, live a little.”

“Another time strider.”

“You promise?” He rolled his eyes and you took it as his affirmation. 

You pushed and pulled your clay in the directions necessary, letting time slowly crawl around you in the light yellow room measuring it only by the slip crusting on your fingers, the accustomed feeling of the clay, and the jackets that were, at one point or another, put to rest in the corner of the room. You snuck peeks at Johns work in progress seeing that he wasn’t making a mug, you couldn’t quite make out what it was yet. You smoothed out your clay parts that needed smoothing and saw that John was squishing his piece back down into nothing again.

“I have no idea what I’m making.” He said, defeated by his own creativity.

“You can’t think of a single thing?”

“Ugh,” he rested his forehead on the wooden workspace table that was basically just a huge rectangle that took up almost all of the room and was bolted to the floor. He tilted his head to look at you. “I can think of plenty of things, but nothing _good_. Tell me what you’re making...for ideas.”

“I’m making a shrine to myself because I only have seven at the moment.”

“Are you serious?” He lifted his head from the table.

“Absolutely, doesn’t it look like a shrine to you?” You held up a tube like piece that was about an inch thick and half a foot long.

“Is that a dildo?” He asked disapprovingly. 

“John, have you ever even seen one before? They’re rounded at the top like an actual penis so it doesn’t hurt like a mofo when you try to shove it up your ass.”

“I thought maybe you weren’t done yet.”

“I told you it’s a _shrine_.”

He lifted one eyebrow, “I don’t know exactly what a shrine looks like, but I don’t think your’s even comes close.”

“Psh, mind your own business egbert,” you scooted down the table from him so you could have some privacy to finish it, “And you better get going with yours, I’ll be done with my shrine soon.”

“I know it’s not a shrine,” he mumbled and you glanced at him in your peripheral vision with his head back on the table on top of his folded arms, one hand picking at the clay clump.

“I offered to Ghost with you,” you said, putting the offer back on the table.

“I know.”

“Just think about it. You, me, pottery making montage. Sounds pretty steamy doesn’t it?” _Steamy? Who the hell says steamy, Dave?_

“Is that my only option? Make a vase while some boy sits behind me putting his hands all over mine and making it hard to actually make the vase?”

“I’m not just ‘some boy’, I’m Dave freakin strider. Besides, you could just make a vase on your own, but that’s no fun. And I’m done with mine now so I’m totally free to do whatever.” You turned to him to see that he was enjoying the idea of Ghosting. Going Ghost? You got up and peeked inside a small room off of the one you were in and sure enough there was a kiln. You read the instructions on the side, grabbing the near by mitts and dark glasses (as shades would not suffice) and put your masterpiece in, setting a timer. He was still sitting slumped at the table when you got out. “Be fun, just do it.”

“Why are you always making me do things I don’t wanna do,” He said, smiling because he was totally lying and he wanted to do this hella bad. He picked up his piece of clay and walked to the back left corner where there was one of those turning table things. You’ve never gotten to use one before because you only did art in elementary school when art was part of your everyday schedule and you were too young then. You kind of hoped John knew how to use one of these things.

“So, what do I do?” Oh god.

“I don't know man, you’re the artsy one.”

“Wrong kind of art. I think maybe I put this down in the center,” he said putting the piece in the middle of the platform. He leaned over the top to check it’s centering.

“That sounds right,” you agreed, “a little to the left.” He pushed it to the right and you tried to correct him by pushing it back and a little more, but he said that wasn’t the center and pushed it back to where you said it wasn’t the center. 

“I’m getting a ruler!” He said and took off to explore the room. You watched him move things slightly and put them back, duck his head and get on his tip toes when finally he grabbed something off an uninhabited top shelf in the right corner of the front of the room. It was behind the door’s opened spot and was about a foot and a half in length, enough for it to be a waste not to use, but not enough for it to be prime real estate for pottery.

“Dave this shelf might be magic because not only is there a ruler, but there’s a book on pottery techniques.”

“Holy shit that is black magic right there. Put it down, John, it’s satan temptation.”

He paused smiling, “It’s got pictures!”

“Well, thank god for satan and consider me tempted. Does it explain how to use a wheel?”

“Hell yeah it does.”

“Good, get back over here. We’re going ghost.”

He sat on the stool behind the wheel and you grabbed the stool from the other wheel and placed it behind his. He sat down and you just kind of stood there.

“Dave?”

“Ok so I didn’t think you would actually do this, I totally thought you would chicken out, I mean most people do.”

“Have you tried this on other people?” He asked, obviously a bit hurt and you tried to really understand that he liked you.

“No way, I’m just saying that if you were normal that’s what you would have done, but nope. John Egbert is a total dork and he’s been waiting his whole life to be ghosted by Dave Strider.” 

“Shut up and Ghost me already.” He smiled and bit his lip a little with his teeth and you’ve never seen him do that before. It made your stomach turn- no, not just turn, it made your stomach join cirque du soleil- the way his blue eyes caught the yellow light and kept it captive inside them, the way his hair was gradually getting messier everytime he slid a slipcovered hand through it, and the way his buck teeth touched his lips light and made you feel like lava. You swear up and down that he had been saving this super power for a moment like this, a moment when he needs it most to persuade someone. This look would have persuaded Hitler not to invade poland. If Hitler were gay and into total nerds. 

“Yeah, yeah,” You said trying to brush it off, but sitting behind him you realized brushing was the last thing you needed. He pushed his shirt sleeves up to his forearms, gently bumping you in the chest when he leaned back. He mumbled an apology and you mumbled a pardon. You could feel his heat seeping into your own bubble and suspected he could do the same with your surplus. And you could feel him; his presence. You closed your eyes and were so very aware of his existence right there infront of you. You breathed him in deep, a familiar smell of soft sweet shampoo, but not one you could name off the top of your head probably because you’ve only ever recognized it as him. 

Opening your eyes you look down his back, so much fuller than you can recall yours ever becoming. It wasn’t body builder muscles, but they were there when he moved his arm and you could see them tense and relax beneath his skin and shirt and you wanted nothing more than touch him. To trace his blood pushing veins, kiss his eyelids before they open, and play his heart strings like an angel would a harp; gently and beautifully for all eternity. 

“So, are you gonna put your hands up here or wait until the end of time?”

“I think it would be pretty cool to see the end of time.” You said sarcastically, “what would that even be like? Would the Doctor just like show up in his Tardis telling me to get in and then it turns out the population of everyone that’s left is in there and I’m like the only human? Unless you’d like to wait till the end of time with me?”

“Dave strider, is that a proposal I hear?”

“Oh my god. I think it is. Will you, queen Egbert take my hand in marriage?”

“Why am I the girl?”

“We’re both girls in the scenario.”

“um.” He smiles though.

“Yeah, okay, I’m ready.” You lift your hands and circle him with your arms making sure to have the right amount of pressure from laying your arms atop of his. 

“Oh wait,” he said and you took your arms off of his immediately. He picked the clay up in one hand and read a page of the book in the other. “It says I have to throw the clay down in the center so it stays put.” 

“Okay,” You waited for him to proceed.

He threw the piece down. It was clearly not in the center. “That’s a little embarrassing.” He said, peeling the piece off the wheel and trying again. Bad results. “Okay, I don’t think I’m going to be able to get this, can you try?” _Are you strong enough to try?_

You picked up the piece with little amount of hesitation and threw it down.

So he throws too far to the left and you too far to the right...big deal. If only you could manage to combine your overthrowing together so it could be balanced. Eventually with enough sidebar commentary from you, Egbert managed to get it fairly close to the center and decided it was good enough. He read the next step. Which was more centering, but this time with the wheel spinning and pushing the clay up and down.

Then you were all set to start molding it. “So, are we making a vase?” You ask.

“Uh, I don’t know what do they make in Ghost? Shouldn’t we just make our own shitty version of that? It’ll be funny.”

“Heck yes, and we can treat it like it’s the most precious thing in the world and really screw with the people around us.”

“Okay, so what are we making?”

“I don’t actually remember what they wound up with I just remember the scene.”

“So then should we make a vase?”

“Yeah, I think that’s appropriate.” You both resumed your positions at the wheel.

Now, you hate to be so god damn gay, but he has the cutest rump and you need to stop thinking about his ass. Your arms hovered over his once more gently and you applied pressure to his right hand with your own to cause a dip in the middle of the flat cone. Your chest pressed into his back so you could look over his shoulder to see what you were working on and your cheeks brushed slightly once or twice, the heat shared among you both.

Red shoe beneath his dark skin and rectangular black frames. “This is weirder than I thought it would be.” You hummed in affirmation that you heard him, but not in agreement with the statement. This was exactly what you’d hoped it would be, right down to his geeky, self conscious, ‘Is this okay?’ attitude. Then he supplies his own answer, “But I guess it’s okay.”


	21. New Years Resolution

In the end, The vase looked a bit more like a deformed bowl than you had planned, but it was hitting the irony so hard you were proud to call it your creation. I mean along with the help of one Gold Star Egbert. “You really did your part, champ.” You told him.

“What do you mean ‘my part’? This whole thing is mine, you hardly did anything, you just had to sit there and look pretty with your arms all up on me.”

“While I may have looked pretty- thanks for noticing- I’m the one who really brought this thing to life. Without me you wouldn’t have such a masterpiece.”

“Yeah, well you’re a real masterpiece.” 

The light yellow bulb that had managed to make the room visible suddenly quit. You feel his hand lightly touch your elbow and turn your head to him quickly.

“Maybe we should get out of here.” He said and you nod, which is stupid because it’s pitch black in here and he couldn’t see that. It was kind of cool there wasn’t any windows and a heavy metal door before the light went out. Now it’s kind of creepy.

He kept his hand on your elbow.

“Okay, so you can wait here and I’ll get the door.”

“Yeah, or I could go with you to the door.”

“You’ll risk running into things and hurting yourself then.”

“I’m ok with that.”

“John, I’m trying to be nice,” The pressure increased on your elbow and you took a hint, “It’s not like there’s actual ghost’s in here, we were just reenacting a classic-”

“Dave, I ain't ‘fraid of no ghosts. Don’t be stupid.”

“Huh. Then what is it?”

“I just don’t need you trying to be a ‘gentleman’, we’re both guys.”

“Fine, then you go get the door, and I’ll wait here.”

“...I have no problem with ghosts it’s just this weird feeling of being watched when I’m alone in the dark.”

“We’ll go together then, because we’re not just going to stand here in the dark talking about getting out of the room.”

You took a step forward and his hand came with you. You took a few more steps and the hand slipped. He said your name quietly and you paused. He bumped into you and put both his hands on your shoulder.

“We can conga out of here. Make it fun, y’know.” He suggested with a few taps of a beat on your shoulder.

“Or you could hold my hand and we could make it romantic.” You said with a touch of sincerity. 

But mostly irony.

The only noise was your rubber soles on the concrete ground as you took cautious steps forward. Your search hand hit the table and you followed it’s edge. His hand on your right shoulder slid down to join your own. The act linked you together. At the end of the table, you let go of your crutch and walked to where you estimated the door was. You felt it’s cold metal and soon after found the handle.

“Now which key?” You ask.

“I know just the one.” 

You let him have his secret for a moment, but when he leads you across the makeshift street of the collection of buildings you guess, “It’s the theatre isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

“Haven’t you been in there like a million times.”

“I have, so that means I know everything about it and you don’t. It’ll be fun.”

He unlocks the door and holds it open for you. So much for not being gentleman. He leads you into the auditorium as he talks, “It’s pretty small in here, because I”m not in charge of the big productions that happen in spring. The people who are involved in that have been involved since the beginning of the year and I got to do a small production with the people who didn’t make it. And they’re all good! None of them are bad at what they do I’m not sure why they didn’t make it.”

“I guess sometimes other people are just a little better,” you offer and he nods thoughtfully.

“But if they had all made it I wouldn’t’ve been able to do the show.”

“Did you choose the show?”

“In a way. They gave me an ‘appropriate’ list.”

You scoff, “I know what you mean.”

“So.. did you like it? The show?”

“Yeah it was good… It’s just my friend was sort of having a bad day at the time and I brought him with me which was really not a good idea in the end.”

“Ooh. Maybe we should’ve put a warning on the pamphlet. Tell him I’m sorry.”

“That might be difficult considering I hardly see him anymore.”

“What happened?”

“He got a new boytoy,” so nonchalant it’s like you’ve never even used the word chalant in your life. Actually, no one has.

“New? Like, you used to be his boytoy?”

“No way, man, I’m nobody’s boytoy.” You’re not lying. You weren’t a boytoy, you were mutual fuckbuddies and you don’t really want to talk about ex-fuck buddies. It’s like a rule that you don’t do that when you’re in the flirtationship phase. Everybody knows that (you’ve spent a lot of time with Eridan and Sollux and it’s starting to have some effects.)

Two girls walked into the room then and saved you the trouble of changing the subject. John was the first to break the silence, “Can I help you?” They didn’t notice you apparently, because they looked shocked. 

The girl with dark curly hair said, “Why are you here? Nobody’s supposed to be here.”

“I’m practicing on my keyboard actually,” John said.

“No you aren’t, you guys are just sitting here talking.” 

“No, see I’ll go play it now,” John said and made his way into the theatre. 

The slightly shorter girl next to the girl talking whispered something in her ear and her eyebrows arched. “Are you guys on a date?”

You don’t know what to say for a moment. Just a moment. “Hell yeah we are, I’m trying to get my suave romance on, but these strangers just walked in and made it weird.” Doesn’t matter if it was true or not.

The music from John’s keyboard made it’s way into the room. The short girl smiled up at you, but considering you were both wearing sunglasses there was no real eye contact, then the taller girl scoffed and they took off. You locked the doors behind them.

He’s sitting on the empty stage in the mostly dark theatre, lit solely and mildly by his blue lamp as you stand on the outskirts when he speaks to you through his music, “are they gone?” His eyes don’t look up.

“No,” you lie because he’s playing so perfectly in this moment. He says nothing in return. You let the wooden doors close behind you delicately within your control. You take a seat in the small set of bleachers and a few stray chairs that was the audience. The song picks up the beat.

Now, John Egbert is not conventionally attractive. You know this, you’ve known it since you met him, but there’s a quality about him that makes you feel like you’re on a roller coaster that only does corkscrews on windy nights in the desert and you’re particularly addicted to the feeling. He stops suddenly, red faced and searching for your eyes. 

“You could’ve told me they left.”

“I wanted to hear you play more, you really shouldn’t be embarrassed I mean at least you’re good. My last rap was probably worse than the first rap I ever wrote. Which was like when I was in the womb.”

“I’ve never heard you rap. Let me hear one.” His eyes frickin glistened.

“Nah, I can’t really remember anything good, I mean all I’ve got is stupid poetry right now. I don’t know I just haven’t been feeling it lately.”

“Did you just say poetry?” Again with the glistening.

“No. I did not.”

“Come switch places with me. I’ll sit in the audience and you can perform your poetry. I’ll snap for you and everything.”

You crack a smile, “Shut up.” You get up and make your way to the stage, but not to switch places, just to sit in front of him crosslegged as his mirror. “So, Mr. Egbert, what are your hopes and aspirations in life? Where do you see yourself in five years?” You make like you're holding a microphone.

“Well, I really want to do something I love in life which is probably something musical and in five years… Aren’t they kinda the same question?”

“Yeah”

“So what about you?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter for me. And before you get all defensive, let me tell you that I’ve had my time to come to terms with it and the more I think about it, the better it seems that I don’t have to put too much thought into my life.”

“That’s a little morbid, Dave.”

You shrug, unapologetic to most, but this is John.

“Okay so what’s your new years resolution? I’m pretty sure you’re going to make it two days.”

You cough halfheartedly, “We’ll see.” He punches you in the shoulder. Ouch.

“I’m being serious.”

“Alright, so, this new years, um, I don’t know how to say it-”

“Just use english.”

“-It’s just you might not like it, but you told me to be serious,...” You should tell him. He’s going to need to know, he _deserves_ to know. “I want to feel more alive.” You tell him only a part of it. He’s telling you that’s a “good idea” and “why wouldn’t he like it?”. You can hear your voice repeatedly scolding you. You’ll tell him later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chappie's gross. Let's all ignore it.


	22. January 9th

“It’s growing and fighting and I just don’t want to fight back anymore”

“You have to fight for the people who care about you”

“Yeah and what do I get out of that? A shitty existence so at least the people I love can still point to me in the corner and claim me as their cancer friend?”

“No one wants a cancer friend, Dave, it’s sad seeing someone you love in that condition-”

“Then just let me stop. I know everything I need to know and I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to stop feeling so sick all the time, let’s just let it happen-”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? ‘Just let it happen’? Oh my god you are insane! I can’t talk- I can’t- I can’t do this, Dave. You’re killing yourself! I just-”

The dial tone sounded in your ear and you felt heavy with guilt. Then a knock came on your door. 

“Hey! You ready?” John. It’s winter in Wisconsin and it’s freezing outside. John is bundled from head to toe. 

“I’ve gotta get all my shit on.” You’re telling John tonight. You swore you would. First you were going to see a movie then hang out at his house and that’s when you would tell him. The movie sucked though, so in the back of the dark theatre, you paid no attention to the movie. Instead, you paid attention to the way his breath felt so close to your own and the way his unsure lips moved gently and quietly over yours. 

“I swear if we get in trouble, I’ll-” he kissed you still.

“You’ll what? Stop talking to me for a month?” We’ve done that already” you whispered back.

“Maybe I’ll stop kissing you for a month”

“As if”

He laughed into your mouth.

“I’ll kiss terribly for a month”

“It could get worse?” You joked. He pushed your shoulder then brought you back for more.

John kept telling you afterward how much better ConAir was and you couldn’t help but agree. Mostly because you were trying to lighten his mood before telling him bad news. You sat on the bed across from his own in his room and talked to him about anything that wasn’t important until you both realized it was two in the morning.

“Wow, we’ve been talking a long time,” He said, “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to walk home at this time of night…”

“Did you keep me talking this whole time to get me to sleepover?”

“What? That would be stupid, it’s not like we’re even going to sleep in the same bed, it wouldn’t mean anything.”

“We could sleep in the same bed,” You wiggle your not-really-god given eyebrows and watch him flop onto his bed and pull the blankets over his head. 

“If you could turn off the lights before you go to sleep in that bed on _the other side of the room_ that would be so nice.” You do. You click the light off and slipped into the bed that smelt more like him than you. It’s hard to fall asleep in jeans, but you managed.

Until your cell phone started buzzing in your pocket. Frantic and quiet you answer the phone. “Bro?” He’s crying. This has your heart pounding on your ribs because it is so unusual, it’s so unsettling.

“Dave?” It’s John’s voice across the room.

“Shit” It’s your voice.

You manage to reassure Bro that there’s nothing he can say to make you change your mind and he hangs up once again. “John, you should really get some sleep.”

“What was that phone call about?”

“Uh”

“What’s going on? Just tell me.”

“You wanna do something?”

“It’s like 4 in the morning!”

“That’s a valid point, so I guess I should tell you I’m not getting treatment for my cancer anymore.”

“What?” His bed creaks and he’s crossing the floor to you. “Why?”

“The cancer isn’t responding to the chemo and I took it as a sign to stop, because... I don’t think it’s worth it.”

“How is it not worth it?

“Well, you ever heard of ‘comfort’ and ‘happiness’? Yeah, I’m not really experiencing a lot of that anymore.”

“What about Bro? And Sollux?”

“Bro hates me right now, but he’ll get over it and I haven’t told Sollux yet.”

You can feel John’s stares in the dark. “I want to live.” You proclaim. His hand touches your knee. You grab his hand with your own. Crying. You need to get used to this you suppose.

“How long?” He asks.

“The doctor says 6-8 months, but the witch doctor says a few thousand years.”

“I can’t believe you’re telling jokes.”

Well it’s not like I have all the time in the world. You won’t say this outloud. He squeezes your hand and you wrap your arm around his shoulders. Comforting isn’t your strong suit, but you are somewhat practiced in the art. He nuzzles into you with heavy breaths and you both sink into the bed. You adjust the sheets accordingly and count the rises and falls of his chest, resting your arm over him protectively. As if you could stop him from getting hurt. “You should think about it more,” he snivels. You won’t.

You kiss him on the forehead and his hand squeezes against your chest tightening the grip he has on your shirt. 

“There isn’t enough time,” he says.

“We can make it last forever,” you say.


	23. February 14th

“Valentine’s day,” Eridan stated sternly, “It’s motherfluffin’ valentine’s day Sol. How could you forget? It’s only like the most important date in the entire year besides your birthday, and my birthday, and christmas...” 

As the list went on you exchanged looks with John who’s sat across the table from you in a reasonably expensive restaurant. You had planned on paying for yourself and John tonight since your brother had sent you a shitton of money with a scrawled note that said ‘I came into some money’. You knew this was his attempt at an apology, but you didn’t know where he got all this money. All this money that you wouldn’t be spending at this fine restaurant because Eridan and Sollux didn’t seem to be nearing the end of their fight anytime soon.

“Valentine’s day is just a concept that hallmark has been taking advantage of way too long now and I for one don’t think we should feed this trend. I mean do you really want to be a part of this mindless fad?”

“Oh yeah, the big scary mindless fad called ‘love’. I bet you want nothing to do with that _zombie society_.” Eridan scoffed.

“ED, that’s not-” You nodded to John and you both got up and gathered your things.

“Um, maybe we can reschedule?” John said to the table.

“Yeah, we’ll see you guys later,” you added.

“What? We haven’t even ordered yet?” Sollux questioned.

“Well, uh, it is valentine’s day, so,” an excuse didn’t come easy for you.

“OH MY GOD. They’re going to go have passionate loving sex like a normal happy couple on this important holiday and we’re going to sit here and fight like a pre divorced couple.” His voice cracked and he put his head down in defeat. John looked at you uncomfortably and you shrugged.

Sollux starts to pet Eridan’s hair and explain to him that “They’re still in the beginning of their relationship where they have no fights and tons of sex and-”

“BYE THEN,” you said hurriedly and corralled John towards the doors you came in. You had to walk through a series of rooms to get there first, but you found your way out of the structure and back into John’s car.

“So, are they having problems?” He asked.

“Nah, they’re usually fighting or making out. It’s just the way they are, I think they’re fine.”

“That’s good because I’m still not sure what broke you and Sollux up.” You looked at him like you didn’t know what he was talking about, so he rolled his eyes from you back to the road. “I know you guys dated, Dave, just give it up. You can’t hide it from me anymore.”

“We never dated John I swear to god. We just had… an agreement as the occasional gay college roommates do.”

“Yeah, that’s why you’re living with me now, so we can have agreements.” He smiled wide and looked to you for approval on his implications. You and John and Sollux and Eridan all thought it would be easier if you just moved in with John so Eridan could move in with Sollux because you all spent so much time in those respective places already. 

“The only problem with that is that we haven’t actually had any big agreements yet. We’ve only done a few _jobs_ for each other.” Now you looked to him for approval.

“I’ve only ever done jobs. It’s kind of all I’ve ever known.” 

“I could teach you...” you offered, “I have a lot of energy still.”

He pushed his glasses up by the frames and kept his eyes steady on the road, “Sex drive?”

“I’ve always got one for you.” Which was true tonight, but not all nights as you had said.

Cheesy flirting continued until you pulled into John’s driveway and declared, “I’m kissing you as soon as you turn off this car.” The car went quiet except the music on the radio.

“I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous  
It must be fate, I found a place for us  
I bet you didn't know someone could love you this much”

 

He bit his lip and looked at you over his glasses, “But this is my favorite song…”

“John, you dick,” you laugh and his face grew abashed.

“I mean we don’t have to wait until the very end just after the vocals.”

“Or I could kiss you now and you can keep playing the song.”

“That sounds good,” he smiled and you scooted in the bench of his blue mercury sable 94. You rested your left arm on the chair tops and cupped his cheek with your right hand lingering only seconds before you kissed him. His arms wrap around to the small of your back pleasantly pulling you in tighter. Your left arm comes down to meet his waist and his hand reaches up to the back of your neck to play with the bottom of your hair. You stop to breathe, suddenly so close to each other. The song continues.

“Nobody's listening when we're alone  
Nobody's listening, there's nobody listening,  
No one can hear us when we're alone”

Your eyes are locked on each other and smiles are being exchanged. “So, you wanna take this inside?” 

“Yes.” He replied and you both untangled and you followed him around the building to his door. He turned the door knob and hesitated. “That’s weird, I was expecting it to be locked.” He stepped in and called, “Gamzee? Tavros?” There was no response. “They must be gone.”

“Which means we’re alone,” you deduced with your mad observations skills.

You closed the door behind you and touched his hips, stepping forward and continuing what you had started in the car. He backed himself up to the arm of the couch and sat on it. Your knee slipped between his legs and rested on the arm, nudging at his crotch. You felt his smile on yours as he ground into it and bit your lip lightly. 

“Hey John, Hey Dave.” 

You repelled from John quickly and John closed his legs and wiped his mouth. Gamzee walked through the living room and into the kitchen.

“Gamzee! I, uh I thought you and Tavros were gone. It’s Valentine’s Day! And no one replied when I called for you guys?” John got up and followed the tall boy.

“Brother, it’s valentine’s day,” He patted John on the shoulder and gave him a lazy smile, “That should explain everything.”

“What?” John asked. “Oh my god, hes stoned.” John said turning back to you. “We should just go to my room.” Walking back to you, he reached his hand out for yours and you took it to be led. 

He closed and locked the door, shoved a towel under it to help soundproof, and then closed the shades on his window. He turned on his speakers which started to play an unfamiliar song. “No more interruptions,” he said. He crawled onto the bed you slept on the night you told him and he put his hand on your knee again. You both leaned in to meet each other and his index finger started tracing swirls on your pants. The hand crawled up your thigh and he inched closer to you. He was close enough for you to grab his hand and pull him into your lap so that he was straddling you.

“Wow, you’re so heavy,” you teased

“Fuck you,” He laughed and ground down on you with more force. You grabbed his hips and moved with his circulation. His hands on your shoulders were then stripping away his shirt to reveal a strong chest. Not chiseled, no abs, a little hairy, but broad and heaving and strong. And sexy. Then his hands were at the hem of your shirt and lifting. You grabbed his hands a little too quickly.

His expression was wounded. “Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” He was so concerned and all you could think was _It’s a cancer kid problem, he wouldn’t understand_. You want him to understand though. You want nothing more for him to get it. To _get you_. 

“So,” you begin, “You know I have cancer.” He nods, knitting his brows. “I’ve lost a lot of weight from chemo, so I don’t look as hot as I know I am and I just don’t want you to be grossed out or scared because I’m disgustingly skinny.”

“Dave, whatever you look like under your clothes, will look perfect to me because it’s you.” He smiled and god be damned if that wasn’t the best response you could've hoped for. You let go of his hands and raised your arms. Slowly you felt the cold air greet the skin on your abdomen, your back, your chest, and then your shoulders. The shirt messed with your hair, but left your shades in place. He breathed out staring at your chest then leaned down and kissed your clavicle. That’s a good sign.

Then he started sucking on your clavicle. That’s an even better sign. You let out a laugh and comb your hand up through his hair. He puts his hands on your bare skin and rakes his nails down your side, giving you chills. “Shit John, I didn’t know you were like that.” He licked the spot he had just been sucking and you captured his lips. You pushed him gently onto his back and hovered over him. You traveled lower leaving kisses here and there before you got to his waistband. You unbuttoned his jeans and ever so slowly unzipped them.

“You’re being such a cocktease right now,” John groaned as you pulled his pants off deliberately slow. You look at him over the top of your shades and kiss him chastely through his boxer briefs. He grabs you by your hair and brings you up to his lips. He pulls at your pants, not bothering with the button or zipper and your underwear slips down with it. You sit back on your knees and cover yourself with your hands instinctively.

“I already told you I like all of you,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“I know I just wasn’t planning on being the first and only one with my dick flopping all over the place.”

“We’ve already seen each others dick’s Dave.”

“Just take your underwear off,” you commanded.

“I thought you could help me with that,” he wiggled his damn brows. You hopped off the bed and stripped yourself before stripping him too. You sat on the edge of the bed next to him and you both just took each other in. He was the first to move. He touched your inner thigh and kissed your cheek.

Then he was touching you. You leaned back on your hands and you felt his palm push up every inch and pull back down at the same tempo, hard and steady. You let out a heavy breath right before his mouth was on yours. “You’re so fucking sexy,” he whispered, making you shiver and feel hot all over, embarrassed. His tongue played on your chest particularly close to your nipples. His hand grabbed tighter and pumped faster. 

“You’re gonna make me come way too quick.” you told him breathlessly and his hand slowed down. “Shit,” You pulled his hand off of you and panted, “That just made it worse.”

He laughed, “Thanks for letting me know.” He reached to the ground for his pants in front of him.

“Wait, so now you aren’t going to finish me?”

“Oh I’m definitely going to finish you,” He said, popping back up with a small black square in his hand.

“What. You’re a virgin, John.” You stated, incredulous at his implications.

“I know what I am, Dave.”

“You don’t have to do this just because it’s Valentines Day.” 

“It’s not just because of Valentine’s Day.” He said defensively.

“Or because you don't think I’ll make it to another one.”

“Dave…” he sighed, “Why do you have to be so blunt all the time? Sometimes we just dont say stuff.” 

“We’re different people.” You explained. “I like to be blunt, and I like that you aren’t.” He smiles at you like a total dork and you smile back, “I would almost even say I love it.”

“You love who? Me you say?” You kiss his naked shoulder, not confirming nor denying, but hey, it wouldn’t be too wild of an accusation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I'm quoting is Dangerous by Big Data, the official video has a bit of blood in it and maybe some dismemberment.


	24. March 22nd

John only had one morning class, but he didn’t come home until 8 pm. So of course, like the nosy, territorial boyfriend you are, you asked him, “hey, where were you?” right when he stepped through the door. You didn’t expect it to be a big deal, honestly. He was probably at the theatre or grocery shopping or something arbitrary. 

Instead he said, “uh, I was... in class.”

You cocked your head to the side, “Really? Last night you told me you only had one morning class today and that you’d hang out with me for the rest of the day.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Shit, I guess I forgot about that, it won’t happen again.”

“Man, it’s no big deal that you forgot, but I’m just kind of wondering why you lied to me?”

“I didn’t lie to you, I forgot.”

“No, not about that, about where you were today. Your morning class didn’t go all day did it? I mean I don’t think they’re allowed to do that.” 

“Oh, yeah they’re not.”

You waited for him to say something more, but it was obvious he wasn’t going to. He was focused on taking off his jacket (it was still damn cold in Wisconsin). You stood up from the couch you were sitting on and leaned against the divider counter for the living room and the kitchen.

“John, wherever you were it’s not going to make me mad. Unless you were selling your soul to the devil. Is that how you got me thinking your dorky ass was cute? Honestly, it all makes so much sense now.”

He gave a tense smile.

“John.” You said simply, trying to reason with only the use of his name.

“I don’t think you’d really be that happy if I told you,” he said.

“Ok so there is something. Just tell me.” You grabbed his shoulders and looked him right in the eye (past your shades of course).

“I was with Karkat.”

You let go of his shoulders, “Yeah you’re right, I’m not really happy about that.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, it’s just I know you guys don’t get along very well and-”

“John, have you forgotten that he took you _upstairs_ when you were shitfaced and did god knows what with you?”

He bit his lip looking down.

“What?” You asked.

“It’s just… I remember what happened.”

You let go of all your anger, curiosity getting the better of you. “What happened?”

“None of it was Karkat’s fault. It wasn’t even his idea.” He looked up at you again, “I was the one who asked him upstairs.”

You didn’t say anything.

“We didn’t do anything I swear. I mean I might have kissed him, but right after that I vomited and then I started crying about you and then he left the room to get something to clean it up, like a _really good friend_ and then I left the room when he was gone and I came downstairs and then I was sitting on the couch with you crying about how I didn’t kiss you-”

“Yeah I know the rest of the story.” You said, expressionless as you had once vowed to remain. You’ve broken that vow multiple times.

He took a deep breath, “I never liked him the way I like you. I just kissed him because he was willing and I was wondering. And drunk. Really drunk. I’m sorry.” He put his open palms out to you, a classic sign of submission.

You sighed, “You don’t have to be sorry, it’s not like we were dating when it happened. As long as you’re not still kissing him in secret.”

“No, I’m not.” He smiled, relieved.

“So what were you guys doing?”

“Kissing.” He joked.

“JOHN.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. Jeez. We were just talking.”

“Oh, girl stuff got it. What were you talking about?”

“The usual. Our parents, our classes, you, your cancer-”

“Do you guys always talk about me?”

“Pretty much, I can’t help it. You’re always on my mind.” He said it as if it didn’t mean anything.

“You’re always on my mind too.” You said, all gooey and feelings-y, with a sheepish smile to add to the embarrassing moment.

“Are Gamzee and Tavros home?” He asked what would appear to be an innocent question to the unknowing. You knew that it meant he’d totally be up for something right now. You weren’t though.

“Ugh,” you started, “they aren’t home and this is like the perfect opportunity be as loud as we want, but I’m just not feeling it.”

“Oh.” He said nodding, “That’s ok… another time?”

“Yeah,” you smiled, “I wouldn’t mind just like making out on the couch if you’d be up for it?”

“Heck yes.”

So you guys did. The tv making nonstop noise in the background that you didn’t bother to pay attention to because you didn’t even know what channel it was on. It was nice. It was just as good as sex, probably due to the fact that you just really liked this kid. You like liked this kid and any twelve year old can testify that like liking someone is a powerful thing. It was borderline love. Borderline. 

During this particular make out session, you decided to run your hands through his hair the way he’s always doing. It’s so motherfucking soft, no wonder he’s always touching it. You lightly trace his ear and his neck with your index finger. He tensed and quivered. _That’s adorable_. You broke your lips away from his and licked his lobe, to which he inhaled sharply and pushed you away at your shoulders. 

“Okay,” he said, exhaling, “If this is as far as we’re going, you’ve got to stop doing that, because you’re making me hard.”

You laughed, a little amused and definitely not sorry like you should be. 

“Is this doing anything to you? Or am I just a really bad kisser?”

“No, you’re not bad, John, you’ve just had less experience.”

“So I’m not that good, that’s what you’re trying to say.”

“I’m not saying that. Listen, you were already horny before we started making out, and I wasn’t. That’s probably it.”

He frowned still not satisfied. “Teach me how to kiss.” He said.

“I can’t teach you, there isn’t some sort of manual.”

“Okay then just tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

“John, you aren’t doing anything wrong.” You tried to plead with him so he would stop fixating on it.

“Then why aren’t you turned on at all.” He pointed at your crotch and you rolled your eyes.

“I’m just not feeling turned on. Maybe because you’re yelling at my dick, I don’t know.” 

“Do you think it’s serious?” he asked.

You were about to ask what, but it registered with you that he was suggesting you had erectile dysfunction. It was your turn to frown.

“Alright, you know what? Maybe you aren’t the best kisser in the world.”

“Hey!”

“What? You asked and now I’m telling.”

He looked hurt and you regretted it, so you pulled him closer to you by his wrists. “You’re much better with your hands.”

“I am?” He asked, wiping a nonexistent tear, the cute ass piece of shit.

You rolled your eyes, “Yeah.” You were telling the truth, the dude was pretty damn good with hand jobs. Blow jobs were a little toothier, but you liked it anyway. 

“I guess I was just feeling bad because you’re _really_ good.”

“I know,” you said pulling his head into your chest and hugging him.

His voice came again, muffled, “What do you mean ‘you know’?”

You laughed and John put his balled up fists on the lower part of your chest. You lay back to rest your head on the arm of the couch and he crawls up and lays half in between you and the back of the couch and half on top of you. Your ribs push against each other when you breathe in. Your arm that he is lying on top of rests it’s forearm idly on his back. This was far better than sex.

“Dave?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you tell me some of your poetry.”

“I don’t have any.”

“Liar.”

“Dude, I rap, I don’t-”

“You do,” he urged, “tell me all of it.”

“Nah.” You fluffed his hair with your hand and he hummed into your chest. You’re too tired for talking poetry.

“Whatever.” He said. You let your eyes come to a close and welcomed the silence. You’re so tired and you didn’t even do anything all day. Until John got home that is.

“Dave?” 

“Yeah?”

“I really want you to live.”

You suspect he’ll be tearing up soon. You rub his back slowly though it’s hard to focus and you just want to sleep. 

“I want to live too.” 

He lifted his head off your chest. He was most likely looking at you, but your eyes were closed. He didn’t say anything for a long while and you let your breathing deepen with drifting consciousness. 

“Dave?”

“...Yeah?”

“I think you should get some treatment again.”

You exhaled a copious amount of air. “I’ll think about it.” He laid his head back down on your chest. The feeling of him being separate from you faded as you fell into a peaceful sleep.


	25. April 1st

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi edited now. Feel free to tell me if there's anything that needs to be corrected or if you have any constructive criticism which I'm always begging for.

John screwed with all the clocks sometime late the night before, because you never woke up to the alarm that was usually set for you in the morning on your radio. Instead you woke up to the one on your phone (which happened to have the correct time). So this was one prank you’ve already evaded.

At lunch he tried to hand you a dark carbonated beverage in a can, but you informed him that you bought a gallon of apple juice from the store today that you couldn’t wait to get started on. He pouted at this. You’re pretty sure he shook that can.

You didn’t use the bathroom that was inside the apartment because you know he wrapped the seat with plastic wrap. Gamzee already figured it out a little too soon.

And no way were you going to accept any suspiciously good looking caramel apples on April fools day. You know they’re onions, not apples. Even if they do look so good, you shouldn’t even consider biting one. Not even for a second should you consider it.

_**Yet here you are.** _

~

You’re chilling at the kitchenette counter, on the living room half, after a long day of avoiding all of John’s tricks like a motherfucking sleuth. You’re on your computer checking on one of Bro’s smuppet sites (just a casual check) when John opens the soda. It’s not even a small can, it’s a 2 liter bottle. It fizzes everywhere soaking his clothes, the floor, the various sheets of paper lying around and not your computer. You make sure of it by shielding it with your body.

“What the fuck John, did you shake up every carbonated beverage in this house?” You question, still defensively hugging your laptop to your body facing away from him. only your head is turned.

He laughed, “I didn’t shake them up, I put a mento in the cap. I guess I forgot.”

“How did you…?”

“I’m not about to reveal my secrets to you, so you can prank me. No way, I’m smarter than that.” You put your laptop down on the dining room table safe from splatters. 

You shake your head at him, “So, _smart guy_ what are you gonna do about your soda soaked clothes?”

He looked down at himself and unbuttoned his pants before attempting to peel them off, “God, it’s so sticky.”

You smirked, “That’s what he said.” John kicked them off finally, pulling his socks off too.

“I guess you could say,” he lifted his bare foot as high as he could, “You knock my socks off.” He put his hands out to the sides of him with an open mouthed smile on his face and you couldn’t help it. It was just so utterly lame you had no other choice.

You laughed. Loudly. And for more than just a second.

“Aha!” He pointed at you, “I got you! I pranked you so hard! I am still the master of pranks! At least within a five mile radius.”

You ceased your laughter and adjusted your shades, “and how is it you pranked me?”

A devious grin grew on his face, “I got you to smile,” he paused for dramatic effect, “on camera.” He turned away from you suddenly, crawling up on the counter in his underwear and picking up his phone which had been set up at a downward angle from atop the cabinets. He stood up there watching the video and you walked over to his side. 

“Okay, but who wouldn’t laugh at you in your underwear, I mean come on Egbert.”

“You weren’t laughing last night,” he jests and that does it. You pull his underwear down to his knees and now his dick is just swinging around at eyeheight. He drops his phone onto the counter (it’s okay, he’s got this stupid rubber salamander case that protects pretty well) and bends over to cover himself.

The damage has already been done though. Tavros had walked in just a second too soon and had seen John in his compromising state. 

“Do you guys ever wear clothes?!” He yelled and you both burst. The poor guy had walked in multiple times when people wouldn’t want to be walking in. This was one of the more tame situations. John pulled his underwear back up and threw some scrambled apologies Tavros’s way, but he left for his room in a huff. You couldn’t manage any “sorry”’s or “didn’t mean to”’s due to the fact that you were laughing all of the breath out of your lungs. You’re on the brink of tears when John sits on the counter so he’s at eye level with you again.

“I wish I was still recording,” he said. You have a feeling it’s not because he wants to prank you.

“Well, I’m glad you’re not,” you move your shades up to the top of your head to wipe at your watery eyes. “I prefer to be on the other side of the camera.”

“But you’re so pretty, I swear you could be a model,” he doted on you looking into your eyes. You’re not really used to being vulnerable to him this way. You bring your shades back down for protection and he puts his elbow on his knee and his chin on his fist. “Can’t you just leave them off for one day?”

“No way man, light sensitive.”

He bats his eyelashes at you and begs, “Please?” Light sensitive? What’s that?

“Yeah, yeah” biting your slightly chapped lips, you put your hands on his thighs and slowly incline your head to his, waiting right before touching him to absorb the image of his half lidded eyes and slightly parted lips. You close your eyes completely and feel his body heat. His warmth touches yours and you realize sharing has never let you gain so much before. You gain the feeling of his velvet smooth dark lips. His hands rest on your neck and his slightly roughened thumbs stroke your cheeks. He turns his head one way and you turn yours the other. You notice he’s just a bit taller than you sitting on the counter so you have to stretch your neck up to kiss him again. He bites lightly on your bottom lip.

God, you’ve always loved his buckteeth.

You breathe a little shaky and he scoots forward on the counter, closer to you, wrapping his legs around you. “Have you been practicing?” You hear yourself ask.

His face reddens, “Am I better?”

“I don’t know, you’re alright.” He squeezes your neck gently and smiles at you; you smile back. “Yeah, you’re good.” You know you should bite down to keep from smiling, it’s a well practiced habit of yours, but you’re done being so habitually boring around John. He likes your smile, isn’t that reason enough? 

You kiss him then hungrily, because you can’t get enough of this boy. You want to do all the things he asks you to.

Right when he asks, “Bedroom?”

You give him the biggest grin. Not a smirk or a small smile, a genuine grin. 

You both manage to cross the living room entangled in each other, quick pecks on the cheek and not so quick deep kisses that made you stand still, forgetting your objective. Eventually the wandering waltz brought you both to the door and you locked yourself on the other side, leaving a mess of kitchen, a running laptop, and soon to be pissed off roommates.

They obviously didn’t know yet because once you closed your door you could hear them making more than slightly sexual noises on the other side of the wall. 

John makes an uncomfortable noise and you hit an “on” looking button on his radio. The radio is connected to his ipod because suddenly you’re listening to someone singing a piano accompanied cover of “Say Something”. Oh. Dumbass, it’s John singing. You see that the title of the playlist is “Dave” and you’re suddenly feeling very guilty.

“Oh shit,” He begins as he tries to step around you, “here I can just-”

“Leave it.” You say, in a half command half plea of a voice. You’re not entirely sure if that’s the right decision because it’s making your heart hurt to hear it. It feels like it’s getting harder to breathe. The air is going into you like shards of ice, it’s so rough. This must be some sort of symptom, or side effect, or... you’re finally dying, this is it. It hurts more than you ever wanted to hurt. You try to breathe the way your respiratory therapist has shown you, it isn’t helping, you’re not winning this, it just seems to hurt more as the song plays on.

John touches your hand lightly. The air becomes softer. It becomes easier to breathe. That wasn’t dying. It was just feeling.

The song ends. The next one begins. “I’ll Follow You Into the Dark”. John is singing.

“I’m expressing myself creatively, according to Karkat.” He tries to explain, to make it all seem less awkward.

“Yeah let’s not talk about Karkat and kill my mood.”

“Sorry.” He smiles. Oh yeah. You totally fucking want this kid in every sense of the word. How could you forget. You kiss him on the cheek softly and lingering to remind him too. He seems to remember. He pulls you by your hand over to his bed and into his lap. You feel kind of small and childish there, but also in control. Your blond hair brushes against his black when you lean your forehead on his. Your shades clink on glasses and he gives out a laugh, making you feel comfortable. You take off your shades and lean over to the table at the end of his bed and he grabs your hips to make sure you don’t fall. He doesn’t say anything about it. He doesn’t even make a joke.

“Is something wrong?” you ask.

“No... I just didn’t want to jinx it.”

“Dork.” You kiss him because wow, dorks definitely deserve kisses. You kiss him on the nose and on the forehead and his chin and you even try to kiss his eyes shut, but he just keeps staring at you.

“John. I’m not taking my shades off anymore if you’re just going to stare and I don’t get to kiss you.”

“Then I guess I’ve really gotta remember your eyes now.” 

“John…” you groaned.

“Shh, Dave, I’m memorizing.”

Him just staring into your eyes was really weird. You tried to look away but he grabbed your face and brought his closer, examining every fleck of near purple mixed in with the the ocular albinism color of red. A part of you you’re used to hiding. You roll your eyes at him- away from him?- and begin to ramble out of nervousness.

“Ok that’s it, I was totally willing to have sex with you, but here you are ruining it, trying to hold onto your virginity forever because you’re trying to be president of the nerds and yeah I meant to say president, they’re nerds, they’d realize that they can’t have a king and a monarchy isn’t a sustainable government unless you’re queen Elizabeth in which case I guess pip pip cheerio, good for you, but it’s not gonna work if you’re just some regular ass nerd because everybody knows that nerds would use their power for evil since-”

“Dave! Shh!” He looks content with trying to shut you up, “Did you say…?”

“What? Sex? Yeah, 5 year old egbert, I did say sex.”

“I’m not five.” He argues. He’s always arguing. You love that.

“You totally are.”

“If anyone’s five here it’s you.”

“No, I’m a grown up because I can manage to ask my commited boyfriend to have consensual sex by actually using the word ‘sex’ and you can’t.”

“I can say sex. Sex, sex, sex. No big deal. ‘Hey, Dave, you wanna have sex with me?’ See no problem.” He was still holding your face in his hands and he slowly dropped them as a quiet moment of realization proceeded.

“Hell yeah I’ll have sex with you John.” You’re so smooth you’re an honorary member of the second dimension.

He facepalmed. “Oh my god.”

You removed his hand from his face and kissed the heel of his hand, moving up to his wrist, then his forearm, then his shoulder, then his neck.

And he repeated, “Oh my god.”

Your mouth is on his and you’re trying to become apart of him, you hunger for him so much. Your knees on either side of John’s lap, you push him back into the comforter and he’s licking at your lips and grabbing at your shirt and you’re obliging. You’re letting him slide his hands up your bare torso and the shirt glides up with him. He tries to pull it off you, but you’re on all fours and that’s not really the position for taking off a shirt. You sit up, fling it off and he flips the control, pushing you down on the bed and taking his own still soda soaked shirt off. You can’t push him off. It feels kind of helpless, but you manage to be aroused by it anyway and let him take control. I mean, why not? You trust him. Right?

He brings his face down, close to yours, his hands to the side of your head. He cocks an eyebrow. “Sex drive?”

Holy hell, you must’ve never experienced a sex drive before, because this feeling of lust is overwhelming. Even though it’s dark in his room you can see every shade of his skin you’d gradually discovered in the time you’ve come to know his body. You grab his thighs that are straddling your hips, unfortunately still covered in soda soaked boxer briefs and you slide your palms up them to grab at the waistband.

“I swear to god John, if this is one big lead up to a prank I will bite your toes off.” John just laughs and pulls out a small gold square that isn’t unwelcomed in this moment. Knowing that it’s April fools day however, you are wary about finding something that isn’t a condom when you open it, particularly something that might give you a jump scare, but no. It’s an ultra ribbed condom with strange rubbery knobs all over and a spiral of longer knobs going up the length of it. John turns into a laugh track from a 90’s sitcom and you know he isn’t being serious about this.

So you say, “I’ll wear it, just know it’s going up your ass.”

“Wait, no, I think maybe I should wear it.” 

“You’re a virgin.”

“So I can’t fuck you because I’ve never done it before?” There’s a grin in his voice and you can tell he’s enjoying this, so you challenge him.

“I didn’t think you’d want to… I guess go for it.” He doesn’t have the balls to actually go through with this.

There’s a pause made awkward by John’s unsure aura of ‘what do I do now?’. You hold the strange condom out to him as guidance and he takes it. He slips his boxer briefs off and you do the same. He fiddles for a minute. Then two.

“Do you need some help?” You offer, but he seems embarrassed and he tells you he’s got everything under control. He doesn’t though. “You’re doing it wrong.” You point out and he gives you a look. An adorably angry look. “Alright, sorry, my bad.” 

Eventually it’s on and it looks like a finger puppet for a dick. The ones you get for shitty prizes at elementary school events or county fairs. He’s just as amused as you are when you tell him this. Your making out is unaffected by the dick puppet and before you know it he’s reaching into his drawer for lube. An object catches your eye when he opens the drawer. A Hello Kitty vibrator.

“What the fuck is that? Is it irony because you know that’s my domain.” He brushes your comment to the side and tells you vaguely that it was “a gift”. He’s probably trying to minimize the distractions because they seem to be endless tonight. But wait. Who the hell gave John a vibrator? 

He doesn’t let you ask anymore questions his nails are digging into the light layer of skin over your clavicle and drawing the breath out of you, but you stop him before he makes you too hazy to forget.

“Are you sure you want to top?”

“Hell yeah! I’m gonna make you scream like a bitch.” He jokes. Is it a joke? You can’t tell sometimes, but he seems to be into some rough stuff, so maybe it’s not a joke.

“Ok as much fun as that sounds, I can’t bottom, because that,” you point at the dick puppet, “that is not going inside me.”

“Don’t be a party pooper.”

“I’m not trying to poop any parties, I’m just trying to save my literal ass. Do you have any that aren’t like that?” 

He silently bit his bottom lip which you knew meant ‘uhh oops’ in Egbert body language. 

“Well I do, so guess who’s topping?”

“April fools?” He tried, quirking an eyebrow.

“No. No, god, are you kidding me? Fuck you Egbert.”

“Kidding! Kidding!” He put his palms up in surrender. 

You bring out a small square of your own and prepare to top this motherfucker. No more silly dick puppets or Hello Kitty vibrators, just you and John. You crawl between his legs and he leans in, making himself easier to reach.

He senses the change in mood and kisses you with the same amount of sincerity you approach him with. There’s a tingle in your palm where you hold the back of his neck and it spreads throughout your body like sparklers on a warm summer evening. His digits twitch where they rest on your knee and you rest your other hand over his to calm him. He’s serious now, but he’s still all smiles and little laughs. He’s still John. 

He moves his hand from your knee down to your inner thigh. He strokes his thumb the way he does when he’s holding your hand to let you know he’s there for you or maybe to remind himself that you’re here for him. This light stroking makes your head feel like it’s going to float off your body and your body wouldn’t even care, it was going to stay here with John and his hands. He moves inward strumming the weak muscles of your pale inner thigh and you let your hand drift down his neck to be supported by his stronger more muscled shoulders because you’re going a little weak. 

Not “oh shit I haven’t gotten treatment for my spreading cancer in four months” weak, but “oh sweet fucking jesus his hand just touched my dick and I think I’m going to erupt like Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD” kind of weak. Especially when he started moving his hand up the length of it and back down, so terribly slowly that you couldn’t help but buck a few times. He held your hips down with his other hand, proving again how weak you are. Panting heavy on his neck while he jerks you off makes you feel pretty useless so you lick his earlobe once or twice. Ears aren’t a fetish of yours, but when you see the burning red on the tips of his dark brown ears you know you're doing something right.

“You like that?” You whisper, nothing but hot breath and moist lips at a barely audible level. He nods feverishly and you peck small moments on every centimeter of his lobe. He picks up his pace influenced by your excitement inducing lobe licking and you may have moaned like an anime school girl. You constrict your arms around his neck and you bury your face in between your upper arm and his neck. You scoot your lower half closer into him so that you’re grinding yourself against him. He holds onto his own member and yours, the extra friction heating you up. You don’t let the sweet pleasure continue too long or you won’t last. You push him back by his shoulders and he lets go of his grip, laying down on the messy bed, sheets and pillows askew. His knees touch your waist when you’re above him again, your tongue and his sliding across each other and in and out of mouths. 

You grab the back of his thighs so you’re straining against the distance you’ve put yourself at to get one last taste of his lips, but then the pulsating usually-in-pants part of you reminds you that you need to pay a little more attention to it. You sit back on the heels of your feet and he props himself up on his elbows. His knees are drifting inward trying to cover himself, but he doesn’t seem to realize that he has nothing to hide. You don’t stare too long (because you know that’s what he wants) instead you grab the small bottle of lube that’s been bouncing around on the bed with you since John got it out. You uncap it, the noise competing with the heavy breaths of both of you, and squeeze about a dime amount of cold between your index and middle finger and rub it with your thumb to warm it. You can see he’s biting his lip watching you and it’s more of an anxious look than one of seduction, but dear god he is hot and you get to fuck him. You’re _dying_ to fuck him. 

“You ready?” 

He nods.

You push just your index finger inside first curling and twisting and scrunching until you can add a second to curl and twist and scrunch. He makes little noises coming from the back of his throat mixed in with sighs. He lays back and combs his hands through his hair, mumbling an “oh god,” or two. You pull your fingers out slowly, feeling like it should be enough.

“You know, for a first time it’s probably easiest doggy style.” 

His face, red, looks up at you trying to appear cool, “yeah, ok.” He sits up and flips over, supporting himself on shaky hands and knees. He looks back at you, “Like this?” He asks. This shit is straight out of a yaoi it’s so ungodly adorable and arousing. You stutter out a yeah in return and grab him by the hips. He’s so warm under your typically cold hands, the blood flow not always reaching your extremities and making you feel even less alive than you usually do. Right now, though, you are so thankful that you aren’t the same temperature as him, you want to feel his warmth, to feel the change in your own the more time you spend touching his skin and kissing his lips.

You position yourself right behind him and guide the tip in the littlest bit, listening for any discomfort of John’s. He gasps. “You okay?” You ask.

“Uh-huh,” He says breathless. You push in a little farther, feeling guilty for inflicting any pain. You can feel him contracting around you and it makes your want to fuck him senseless, but you remain patient, slow inch by slow inch until you’re about three quarters in. 

“Is it painful?” You ask.

“I-It’s fine. You can go faster.” He replies. His voice saying those words, all of these, any words really, makes your stomach tighten in a horribly amazing way and it feels like an anvil’s being dropped on your heart and not to mention your dick. It’s throbbing like a presidential migraine after the declaration of a world war. So like, hella. You pull out slowly and push back in quicker and further this time. He’s moaning for sure now and you’re pulling his body back by his hips, thrusting into him.

And then he calls your name. It’s not like he hasn’t used your name before, it’s not like he hasn’t _gasped_ , but this is _sex_ for christ’s sake. You’ve never heard your name so sweet and sexy before. You’re inside him, causing a little bit of pain and a little bit of pleasure and you can’t focus on any one thing. You just hear your body slapping against his and the seemingly shared breaths alternating between the two of you.

His elbows give out and he goes face first into the mattress, his ass still up. 

“Ah, Dave…” My god, he has to stop that or you’re going to come. You don’t usually come this quick. You try to tell him.

“John, I…”

He squeaks a little and squirms at the saying of his name. So you say it again through strained breaths, trying to ignore the persistent pulsing of your heart throughout all of you. “John…”

“I’m gonna-” He stops squeezing his eye shut and clenching his fists near his face. You know what he was going to say because you're thinking the same thing. You reach around the front to jerk him off and his back develops a sudden arch after only a few stokes. “Stop!” He shouts and it startles you into stopping. “Not yet… I want to face you...” 

_Oh._ “Uh, sure” You pull out and sit back on your heels. You’re aching to be touched, to release the buildup of pressure, but you have to be patient. Be patient. Be patient. You bite the inside of your cheek to try to distract yourself as John get situated lying on his back, propped up on elbows his legs splayed out before you. You get up on knees again, crawling towards him, positioning yourself and pushing back in. He grunts.

You had missed his warmth. You’re above him, his nails scratching your shoulder blades and his body bobbing from the power of your push. You’re panting next to his red ears, he turns his head to kiss your cheek. You turn to kiss his lips and maybe start making out a little. You slow your thrusting and begin working him again, biting his lips and nipping at his tongue playfully. He’s moaning into your slickened-by-his-saliva mouth, he’s losing focus and so are you. His legs wrap around your back and you can feel his muscles tensing in his calves. Your movements become more erratic and the make out becomes sloppier

Now he’s arching up into you, creating a new angle of penetration, his eyes go wide and he gasps shaking. His digs into the skin of your back, ejaculating onto his stomach and with one more thrust, you too are experiencing a hot white light of breathlessness. You end the kiss, groaning into his hair, ruffled by sex. The tingles of satisfaction all over you. You notice now the sweat sticking to every inch of your skin and the pain from John’s nails. And your exhaustion. You gather what you can to pull out for the final time tonight and to flop yourself down next to John. You tie the condom off and throw it to the small garbage bin in the room. You miss.

“I really like you,” he informs you with a smile, his eyes closed, his face within kissing distance of yours.

“I know,” you say, closing your eyes too, you drape your arm over his chest avoiding the splatters of sperm still on his abdomen. 

“Dave,” he whispers.

“What?”

“I like you more than anyone else”

You hesitate. What do you say to that? ... “I think I could like you more than just liking .” 

After a moment you open your eyes. His breathing reminds you of a childs, but he is no child. He is a man and he is asleep next to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I panned on publishing this on 10/11 because it's national coming out day and they have gay sex (and I try poorly to represent other sexual and romantic orientations which are also part of coming out) and if you care to know, I'm gay, (er, lesbian?) so 10/11 makes me pretty happy because it's all about letting people know we exist. That we're their friends and neighbors and classmates even if they don't know it. Also, it's a great transition into coming out to loved ones. So, yeah, there's that.
> 
> But I missed the deadline I gave myself because I wasted time on tumblr like a champ.


	26. May 26th

It’s been a constant haze of drizzles as the April showers continue even after it has brung May flowers. It’s just handfuls of the little plants here and there, tucked into shady crevices to live a short life with no sun, due to the circumstances. The really shitty circumstances. You try to avert your eyes and stop fixating on these small blue flowers of about four inches high. You see them beginning to push their way through broken concrete on your way out of english. Normally John would be here beside you, walking with you to the apartment, distracting you from everything but him, but he has been practicing for another small musical for about a month now as the replacement pianist. This one was with the nearby community theatre, it was something about islands and uniting people. You’re not really sure, but you’re going to find out later at 7:00 when you go to see it on it’s last night.

It’s only 2:00 right now. 

When you get to the apartment you see some flowers again, growing near the end of the gutter. _Why don’t these stupid flowers just grow in the sun?_

You step through the threshold of your apartment. Wait, no, it’s John’s apartment, you just temporarily live there until Eridan gets out of your dorm room. Or until you graduate or you and John break up… or when you return to Texas for summer break, maybe not to return to Wisconsin again…

“Hey Gamzee,” You say to the giant lump on the couch and he turns to you looking high as ever and holding one of those small flowers in his hands. “Did you pick that?” 

“Nah, man I invited him in for a drink and now we’re just chattin’ about …”

“About what?”

“Huh?” He wasn’t even listening to himself talk. You noticed a small hand shovel leaving a dirt trail just sitting on the coffee table. That is going to need to be cleaned. You picked it up, trying not to shake off any more loose dirt. “Can I borrow this?” Cleaning will have to wait… for Tavros to see the mess because like hell you’re cleaning up after that jackass clown. 

Outside, you rounded the apartment building back to the gutter with the six petaled blue flowers. You dug a small hole in the sun, not too close to the sidewalk and then turned your attention back to the flowers. You shoved the handheld shovel into the dirt at a safe distance from the possible cluster of roots. You pushed down on the handle, the soft dirt pushing up. You raised the three flowers and their dirt up and out of the shade and plopped it down into the new hole in the sun. Squatting, you pushed down the moist dirt around it, fitting it into the mold, it’s new home. The flowers were a little sideways, but you figured they grow towards the sun, so they’ll correct themselves. You lifted your hand from the ground, smelling the earth on your fingertips, feeling proud of your- honestly shoddy- work. You backed away from them slowly (to not disturb them) and finally turned around when you had to find your apartment door. 

It’s 2:15.

You sit on the couch until Gamzee’s neverending sprawled limbs begin to piss you off and you have to retreat to your (John’s) room. You try rapping something and screw around with your turntables, but you can’t seem to find the right way to pass the time. You feel… nervous.

It is the end of the school year after all. 

You pull your phone out of your back pocket where it resides and pull up Bro. Everyone will be going home and visiting family soon. John will be gone, Gamzee, Tavros, Eridan, and even Sollux. You should go home too. Bro could be right for all you know and the last thing you would’ve said to him is “You can’t stop me from living how I want to live”. Is this really a way to live? Not talking to your brother, your only family member, and making your boyfriend cry. A lot. 

You never even told Sollux, he probably still thinks you’re getting treatment. He’d probably cry too. Everyone around you cries too much, maybe they just shouldn’t be around you. Maybe you should wear a warning.

“Do Not Befriend Unless Willing To Cope With Death”

You close the new message you didn’t send and toss your phone onto your bed. You open your shitty laptop and press the power button. It makes weak clicks and whirs as it attempts to start up. You wish you were using Sollux’s computer. 

When it does eventually start up, too many pop ups are on your screen. You exit them one by one until the laptop seems generally usable and you open the internet. More waiting. 

You update an ironic comic to one of your various sites after the vicious artistic process of creating it in the first place. About now you’d start doing some of your homework, but there isn’t any anymore, so you start playing this game you heard some kid talking about in your english class, the last class of your first year of college. It’s adequate, but it isn’t as good as they were saying. And your computer keeps lagging, making it even less enjoyable than it might have been.

It manages to take up a good amount of time though. It’s like an hour and a half before seven and suddenly you have things to do. You’ve got to take a shower and dress semi formal and go buy some flowers like the ironic boyfriend you are. All this time you’ve been wasting, you could have done something more productive instead. You head to the bathroom across the hall from Tavros’s room and begin stripping like you’re about to dive into the ocean to save a life. You multitask between pulling your pants off your body and turning the shower water on almost falling once or twice. It starts to steam up the mirror and you ignore your urge to draw any stupid faces. You’ve got places to be for god’s sake.

You step into the bath shower hybrid and pull the more or less transparent door closed. The hot water burns your back and you flinch away from it before settling in. You like the overwhelming heat. You’d rather be hot than cold and you’re always cold, so showers are a nice step away from your own body’s characteristics. 

You take your time in the shower even though a voice in the back of your head keeps telling you not to. You towel off afterward, fluffing your hair, though it still lies dripping on your face. You wrap the towel around your waist, bundling your clothes in your arms to carry back to your hamper. 

In the room you sort through your clothing in the suitcase under your bed. John offered to share his closet, but honestly he doesn’t have any space to offer, he’s got tons of random items- like plastic arms- just shoved in there haphazardly. You don’t mind. It means you could be ready to grab all your things in the case of a fire. Or emergency room trip. Or a break up. 

You decide upon wearing a black blazer and bowtie with a white button down and jeans. Semi formal. By the time you get dressed and throw on your red converse you’ve only got half an hour left. You still have to drive there and wish John good luck… Er, break a leg? What the fuck do you say to the theatre kids again? Whatever, you’ve got to give him a thumbs up.

You’ll have to skip the flowers today, but there’s always…

~

The doors to the auditorium aren’t open yet, so you and everyone else attending the show are hanging out in the lobby waiting for the show to start. You check for the time on your phone. 

6:57

The doors opened just then, with people standing by to take the tickets and hand you pamphlets. You got your spot in the line and shuffled through slowly. You took a seat that didn’t have a ‘reserved’ sign on it close to the aisle you just walked down and looked at the pamphlet. Apparently the show is called “Once On This Island”, it’s a one act musical of 90 minutes. You could see John positioned at the keyboard to the side of the stage, mostly hidden by the curtain. He doesn’t see you yet, but you know he will. 

The lights dim when nearly everyone is seated and music begins playing. You can tell it is John’s fingers dancing on the keys. A girl runs onto the stage and a boy chases after her. You recognize the girl as Jade. She was in the other musical with John as well as the lead, maybe the bitch Vriska will be in it. The show goes on and it becomes apparent you’ve met everyone and Vriska’s not in it. Out of the corner of your eye, you see someone waving. John has finally seen you. He needs to get a new prescription on his glasses, it’s like an hour into the show. You give him a thumbs up and he gets this huge grin on his face. That’s enough to make the rest of the show fly by.

Finally, everybody runs back on stage to take a bow and John steps out from behind the curtain, everybody seeing his face for the first time tonight. You clap wholeheartedly and you stand- a little too fast causing some dizziness. Some people join you, but most stay seated. The lights slowly come up and you all leak out into the lobby. The actors join you there finding their friends and families. You stand still in the swarm waiting and John finds you, like you knew he would. You kiss him on the cheek and hand him his flower.

“Oh, Dave, is this…?” He holds it in his hands gently turning it to look at every aspect of the large claymade single rose. The petals were crafted one at a time after the sturdy stem was rolled. You wouldn’t make a shrine for yourself, when you have this perfectly good boy standing in front of you to worship you. And you really wanted to make something for him that day with the clay. “I love it.” His smile is light and hugs you briefly. You know he’s not big on PDA. 

Some of the other people involved in the show walk up to you both to congratulate John on a good closing night and to inquire as to who you are. You are about to say you’re a friend, but John speaks over you, “This is my boyfriend, Dave.”

Some of their faces were shocked, but all of them were accepting. You guys make the rounds of introductions and small talk and John talks about things you don’t know about like “I’m so glad gloria got better” and “it’s such a shame what happened to peter at intermission”. There was only one person left to talk to when you ran out of people.

Jade. She was accompanied by Vriska who had apparently just watched the show like you. Vriska keeps her distance from John under the commands of Jade who seems to know all about her past behavior, but is dating her anyway?

“You guys just don’t seem like you’d go together… I mean you’re so nice and she’s…”

“A bitch? Yeah. I don’t know. I can handle her bad attitude and she's getting help for how fucked up she is.” 

“Hey!” She yelled through the people from the chair she was sentenced to sit at and wait. A few people turned to look at her like she was insane. Because she is. 

“She’s getting help?” John asked, a concerned look on his face.  
“Yeah, she’s accepted that she needs help and now she sees somebody three times a week.” Jade lowered her voice when she spoke, “I think she’s getting better. I mean, her personality won’t change, but her actions will. I’ve already told her if they don’t, I can’t date her anymore. It would be too toxic.”

John looked at his feet and Jade observed him. She must be pretty good at reading people because she decided it was time to change the subject and move on. “Oh, um, Dave. Good job getting John! I should probably get back to Vriska before she bites someone’s head off for something stupid.”

Your face heated immediately. Was she actually commending you on your efforts to “get” John? I mean if anything it’s John who should get a pat on the back because he’s had to put up with all of… you.

The girl bounced away, not knowing what she had done. Or so you thought. 

“What does she mean ‘getting me’?” John asked with a cocked brow.

“I’ll tell you later,” you tried.

“Well, I’m done here so maybe you can tell me now? On the walk back.” He directed you to the main doors of the lobby and out onto the sidewalk.

“Really John? What do you think it means?”

“Hmm…” He played. He totally knew what it meant. “I just can’t seem to figure it out.”

You punched his shoulder playfully, but there weren’t anymore winter coats and mittens to soften the blow, only sweatshirts. John grabbed his arm and then grabbed your hand. The sidewalk was wet and the night sky was grey with clouds as you kept moving forward. The little flowers seemed closer to the sidewalks, the whole street illuminated by downtown shop signs of multiple colors. His hand was warm in yours.

“The school year is over…” you said. There was no way of escaping the thought. 

“Yeah… the school year is finally over! We are going to spend so much time together! No joke. I’m going to make you join the next musical I’m involved in or something.”

This was not the expected response. It was so much better. “Like hell am I going to join a musical. John. Do I look like a singer to you? I rap.”

“Dave, you write poetry, you’re just as geeky as any kid in the production. You should just think about it sometime! You don’t have to, but it would be so much fun! Can you imagine?”  
“Yeah, we could make out at intermission”

“Nooo. Do not abuse the arts for make outs!” His laughing made it really difficult to take him seriously. 

“You’re really cute you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” he replied with a smile. “How do you think I got such a hot guy for a boyfriend? I’ve got to be cute to get one of those.”

“Yeah they’re rare these days. I saw one selling on ebay for 23,000.”

“Really? That’s pretty cheap. I wonder how much I could sell you for?”

“Probably not as much as I could sell you for.”

“Please don’t sell me, Dave.”

“Psh, I won’t idiot.”

~

You had never slept in the same bed without sex first, but tonight you curled up in front of John, letting him be the big spoon, letting him protect you. He didn’t tell you to sleep in your own bed, he just draped his arm over yours, pressing his chest into your back. You’ve wasted so much of the school year not sleeping next to him. You kissed the back of his hand over and over again like each kiss was a dedication to his body that yours would never leave. You cannot make such promises though.

~

It’s the day after all classes have come to an end and you and John are on a double date. Or an outing for fun that just happens to be two couples of gay guys… yeah… let’s go with that. I mean it’s not like you’re at a fancy restaurant this time so it doesn’t seem like a date, you’re just going bowling. It’s not like you guys didn’t just spend the whole year together. 

You all take John’s car since he’s the only one with a vehicle. Wait. Sollux has a car. “Why didn’t you guys take Sollux’s car? Gas isn’t cheap these days, guys.”

“Yeah, we’ll take Sol’s car next time,” Eridan said rolling his eyes and confusing you.

“Woah ED, don’t volunteer me like that, gas isn’t cheap these days, y’know.”

“I just said-” you try.

“I don’t mind driving everyone Dave, I kind of like being in one big group it makes it more fun. The more the merrier!”

“Okay grandma. Who even says the more the merrier?”

“I do, I guess, Because it’s true isn’t it? It’s more fun to hang out with more people,”

“Turn right here,” Sollux instructs from the backseat and John turns into the parking lot of a bowling alley called “The Boulevard Bowl”. Everybody stretched getting out of the car and took their time walking to the entrance zigzagging between the parked cars like the dumb college kids you all are.

The entrance hallway had the signature 80’s bowling alley look of outdated carpeting and wallpaper. You could hear the pins being knocked down, shouts of enthusiasm from the players, and more bowling balls being tossed to start the cycle over again. The smell of pizza and deep fried food enticing you to stick around and play a game. You are here for just that reason.

You all get set up picking out shoes, and balls, and the lane, and ordering some food before finally playing. You discover you suck at bowling. You are the first to throw, against Eridan, and yours wobbles down the middle before making it’s way right into the gutter. You blame it on the weak muscles and the lack of athletics growing up. Eridan doesn’t get a strike or throw with perfect form, but anything looks good next to yours. He knocks down nine pins with a less than modest look on his face. Your next throw and you manage to just barely tap one of the pins down while Eridan adds three more to his score. You rotate out with John and Sollux. John gets a spare in his two tries and Sollux gets a strike for his first throw and a spare for his second. 

You whistle. “Nice one, Captor, I had no idea you were a bowling prodigy.” 

“I’m a slightly above average bowler and you praise me? ...Good. That’s the way this should work.” He laughs in a noticeably attractive manner. John’s and Eridan’s eyes glance over at you both. You and Eridan are up to bowl again. 

“I swear to god you better not be wantin’ him back.” He says as you both pick up your balls from the ball return. 

“What?” You ask. You know he’s always jealous and suspicious and shit, but you’re not trying to steal Sollux, so excuse you if you get a little defensive when he accuses you of ‘wantin’ him back’ as he said in his stupid accent. Why would anyone think you’d want to steal someone else’s boyfriend when you have _John_. 

“I saw you flirtin’ with him. I’m telling you, you can’t have him. He’s mine.”

“You don’t own him.” You say. You know this is the wrong thing to say. You don’t need to provoke him more, but god why is he being such a dick about a little friendly flirtation. Flirting is just a part of your communication, it’s not like you’re going to bed him.

He throws his ball with more strength, it smacks the floor and rolls forward with great tenacity. It knocks down all but one pin. He stares you down as you throw. You throw casually, unphased by his staredown on the outside but thinking to yourself, _oh shit I’m never going to see Sollux again, am I?_ Your throw knocks down the center pins, leaving four on each side. Eridan throws again, hitting his last pin. You throw hoping to knock down one of the sets, but end up with a gutterball instead. You both take your seats at a distance from each other. One of you needs to suck it up and apologize.

John and Sollux step up onto the slippery wood in the special clown- wait- bowling shoes. John’s are green and blue and Sollux’s are blue and red. The colors suit them. You notice John say something hushed when they pick up their balls from the ball return. Sollux looks at him funny and replies. You wonder if they’re having a similar conversation that you and Eridan just had.

You look over at Eridan. He’s totally pouting. What a baby. You should probably apologize to him because he’s such a stubborn baby that he’ll never say he’s sorry and you want to talk to Sollux at some point in your life again. Who knows how much of it you have left.

You get up and watch his eyes peek at your feet as you travel closer to him. You stop in front of him. “Hey, uh, you know, you don’t have to worry about me trying to like “steal Sollux” or whatever. I have John.” 

With his lips pursed he asks tentatively, “what if you get bored of him?” 

You look over at John who just dropped his ball on the floor in front of the lane. He looks around to see if anyone was watching and catches your eyes. He smiles sheepishly and picks up the ball to throw down the lane. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.” 

“Sollux!” There are squeals from behind you as two familiar girls descend the steps waving at Sollux. Sollux appears a little frantic, but he greets them politely as one should.

“I haven’t seen you in such a long time!” The red headed girl said, and the black haired girl chimed in.

“Me neither, but I guess that’s what happens when you break up.”

Sollux laughs uncomfortably, “Yeah, uh, I’m still really sorry about that. I was a total jerk, I still am really and-”

“Oh hush,” said the redhead, “We’re over it, I mean that’s how I met my best friend, so it wasn’t all terrible.” She smiled at the black haired girl. 

The black haired girl smiled back. Eridan pushed his way into the crowd of three and said, “Hi, I’m Sollux’s boyfriend, may I ask who you are?”

“Oh?” The redhead paused then continued, “I’m Feferi and…” she gestured at her friend.

“I’m Aradia.” They both stared with semi- devious smiles in place on their face.

“What.” Sollux said, “You guys knew I was Bi.”

“I know,” Aradia said, “It’s just a little odd to see you actually dating a boy.”

“It seems more odd to me,” Eridan began, “That you’ve dated girls.”

“You knew I was bi too.” Eridan laughs and Sollux tries to speak over him, “does everyone just forget that?”

“You just seem really gay,” Eridan taunts. 

“I don’t know he seemed pretty straight to me,” Feferi said and Aradia nodded. 

“I’m bi!” Sollux exclaims, and they continue to joke and discuss Sollux. Sollux breaks away from them to come visit you and John, seeming a bit defeated. 

“Exes man,” You say in attempts to consolidate him.

“Aren’t you guys exes?” John asks. 

“John, I’ve told you like a million times it wasn’t romantic. It was just sex, because I’m gay and he’s… not gay, but he’s bi so it counts.”

“Well,” Sollux says cocking his head, “I mean it’s not like there was a complete lack of love. It wasn’t strangers fucking in a dark room it was more like good friends helping each other out.” He shrugged, avoiding eye contact with John.

“Yeah, man.” You said with a nod and turned back to John, “Any questions?” 

“So you guys will never really be exes… Nothing like children or marriage or other boyfriends or girlfriends will ever tear you apart because you guys love each, but you haven’t been and aren’t in a relationship, but you guys have had sex… ? That sounds impossibly perfect.”

“John. Are you trying to break up with me?” You ask jokingly, “but I’m pregnant.”

He gave a half smile and said, “I could never break up with you Dave.”

That gave you an unexplainable feeling in your gut. 

Maybe he does want to break up. Is it because he hasn’t gotten to top you yet? You didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

Sollux went back to the girls- and Eridan- and in almost no time at all came back. “They’re complaining about me! If Eridan thinks I’m going to kiss him anytime tonight he is wrong. I feel so betrayed by him.” 

“You don’t need him, Captor. You’ve got us.” He stared at you both briefly. 

“No I need him. I don’t want to be your third wheel over here.”

“You’re not a third wheel, you’re our friend. Right John?” You looked back at him, try to act natural. 

“Dave can I talk with you? Alone?” You didn’t act natural enough.

“Yeah…” Sollux said, “I’m feeling pretty third wheely, so I’m just gonna go stand by my boyfriend even though he’s being a total dickhead.” With that he parted.

You could feel your heartbeat in your fingerprints, your hands clasped together in your lap. It felt like a parent teacher conference or a doctor consultation when the they realized they had to talk to your older brother. There was only ever bad news to give. He doesn’t participate in class and seems to have no friends, he has cancer and the type of cancer is so uncommon for his age, etc., etc., etc... 

“Are you really breaking up with me?” You blurt.

“Dave…” He says slowly, “I just wanted to talk to you about Sollux. Why would you think I’m breaking up with you? I _just_ said I could never break up with you?”

“You just- you said it all weird.” 

“Sorry, I’m kind of tired, I didn’t get much sleep.”

“Was it because of me?”

“Yeah, but in a really good way! Like I couldn’t sleep because you were sleeping right there and you were so cute and your eyelashes are so pretty and you were breathing-” 

“Yeah, I tend to do that.” You laugh feeling foolish for being so paranoid, but relieved. “So what about Sollux?”

“Eridan and I-”

“You were talking with Eridan alone?”

“Am I supposed to ignore him?”

“I guess not.”

“So, yeah, we were talking and you and Sollux should tone down the flirting. It’s like really obvious and you guys were a thing and it’s just kind of rude because now you’re both dating new people and we’re not going to stop you guys from being friends it’s just-”

“Hold up. I knew Eridan was the jealous type, but John I’d never-”

“I’m not Jealous, I’m…”

“Jealous.”

“No! That’s not-”

“Oh yeah it is.

“No, I-”

“John. Please. For the sake of the baby.”

“What baby?”

“I’m pregnant. How could you forget about… our love child?”

“You’re so stupid sometimes.”

“You love it.”

“Yeah whatever.” He paused in thought then asked, “How much do you think Sollux would sell for on Ebay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Really Fucking Long Ramble**  
>  So, my laptop has been broken (it's fixed now and I'm down $300) and I've had to use my school time that I had to spare to write anything for this or my father's computer when he's not looking and I've ran out of stuff I just had ready to publish so now you guys are caught up with my current writing and I didn't have a good place or time for writing because the school library where people are looking over my shoulders is a really difficult spot for writing fan fiction - especially smut. I mean I do it regardless but then it turns out a little less sexy and a little more rushed. Also I _intend_ on finishing this before the end of the year because I'm getting a little bored of it (sad, I know, but I've got so many other prompts to turn into stories. There's this one, johndave as usual, that involves a stripper John and a rich Dave. I might not publish that, but I'm having fun with it right now) and my writing style is changing as it always does. This is a long note, if you're reading it, wow thanks. I feel I should acknowledge all the lovely people who say nice things in the comments that I'm too much of a wimp to reply to because like??? I'm so overwhelmed with happiness when people leave nice comments and I'm basically a soggy pile of blush for the rest of the day. So, thank you.


	27. June 3rd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW for abuse and self harm mentions**

You’re in Sollux’s apartment, not John’s. You haven’t been here before, it’s about an hour and a half away from the campus. John and Eridan have gone to visit family for the summer and it is just you and Sollux. He requested you come alone. You know why. He’s there lying on an unmade queen sized bed. His breathing is heavy and his cheeks are red. His eyes are shielded by a protective elbow. You haven’t seen him like this for months. You sit on the edge next to him. He begins to speak. 

“I hate him so much,” He hisses which should seem intimidating, but his voice sounds like a vengeful child’s, “he just hits me like I’m nothing to him, but I’m his son!” He smacks his arm down on the bed, making a muffled thud. He gets up and starts pacing the untidy floor. You worry he’ll trip on the various cords and clothing articles, but he doesn’t. “Don’t you think that when my mother- his wife- died he would have taken care of me a little better since I am their only son and genetically speaking, I’m all that’s left of her and he loved her didn’t he? I mean, I never saw him hit her, b-but what if he did? What if he never loved either of us? If he doesn’t love me then why does he keep injecting himself in my life? I’ll be fine without him! He’s just making everything worse!” He huffed and then stopped where he stood. “Why doesn’t he love me? Why does he _hate me_? I do what he tells me to do. I get good grades, I don’t spend his money, I sit still when he yells at me and when he hits me and when he’s working himself to death I let him because that’s what he wants. I’ve never stopped him from getting anything he wants, so why does he hate me!?” 

He scratches his arm nervously his marks not yet beginning to scar. They’re scabbing, but you can tell he picks at them more often than you would’ve guessed. You should’ve known better. You’ve been there. You are there. It doesn’t go away with kind words or good days, it stays there forever. Some days you still feel the tickle of peeling skin and you know this is just one of those really bad days for him. “And then he tells me he’s sorry. That he didn’t mean to and it won’t happen again… I started to believe him, it’s been so long since he actually touched me. I thought he was getting better. First he’d stop hitting me, then he’d stop yelling, then maybe one day he might actually _like_ me. I’m so stupid.”

“Sollux...” you don’t know what you’re going to say, but he needs to hear something to bring him back from wherever he’s about to go.

“I haven’t told him.” He says. He must be at the point of exhaustion where sentences become fragments.

“Told who what?” you prod.

“Eridan. About my dad.” 

“You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to.”

“I want to, i-it’s just he’d leave me…” he sighs, rubbing his face, “because then he’d know how fucked up I am and how not fucked up he is. He’s so perfect and it’s kind of lonely being all fucked up on my own.”

“Captor, everybody’s a little fucked up he wouldn’t leave you just because of _that_.”

“Not everybody is as fucked up as me”

“And you’re not as fucked up as some other people. Look, if John and I can still be together even though I am rapidly dying, I think you and Eridan can be together even though your father’s an asshole. He probably has an asshole father too, have you met the kid?”

“His dad left when he was a kid.”

“See, that’s an asshole father.”

He laughed at that and you were so relieved to see he wasn’t too far gone. He did the right thing asking you to talk to him, he needs to talk instead of letting it fester in his mind. But if you weren’t here…

“I think telling Eridan would be really good for you.”

“Are you kidding me?” He stated, exasperated. “I just got done telling you how that’s a terrible idea.”

“Ok, but you love him and he loves you and I mean he’s probably seen your arms by now if you guys have had sex and that hasn’t scared him away.” Sollux pulls his long sleeve back down his arm and shrugs. “You guys have had sex right?”

“Of course we have! I…”

You look at his shirt sleeve again, “You don’t take your shirt off?” He shrugs again. “So... maybe don’t tell Eridan yet, but someday you’ll want to and until then you need someone to talk to and if I die tomorrow, as I could, who’s it going to be?” His shrugging makes yet another appearance and he kneels before the bed, flopping his face down into the comforter. You muss up his already messy hair. “You have to start talking to somebody who really knows how to handle this. I don’t have a PhD or anything, I could give you some really bad advice and you could… I dunno, bad things could come of it is what I’m saying. You should talk to somebody to save yourself or to save your relationship with Eridan, because it’s obvious you're super in love with him and you can’t be with him completely when he doesn’t know about the big stuff going on in your life and you can’t even take your shirt off in front of him.”

He mumbled into the blankets, but you heard him crystal clear, “I’ve been with him completely. A lot.”

You laugh, resting your chin on the heel of your palm and your elbow on your knee, “Yeah Sollux, you have. If you want to keep being with him you’re going to have to tell someone. About everything.”

“I don’t want to get him in trouble.” His voice was particularly hushed, not just by the blankets, “He’ll kill me.” He was talking about his father again.

“He needs help, Captor, you want to help him right?”

He lifted his head off the bed, “I don’t know how to help him or help me or help anyone, I just have to stop seeing him or accepting his calls. I just have to cut him out of my life.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.” He flopped his head back down and yelled, “I just want to sleep forever and pretend none of this exists!”

“Sorry, that’s not an option. Apparently you have to fix the things you didn’t break in the first place, as a human being. All of this is going to continue existing until someone makes it stop. That someone can be you, Sollux.” You pat his head and his chest shudders with a long intake of breath. 

When he lifts his head his eyes are red and his voice is wobbly, “I don’t know how.”

So you do some research and you find a number to call. You put it into his cellphone and let your thumb hover over the “Dial” button. “Just tell me when,” you propose to him.

He squishes his face in his hands then takes them back through his hair. You look into his heterochromatic eyes of brown and green, waiting for a reply. “I guess,” he says and you let your thumb fall.

He takes the phone. The large room is quiet enough for you to hear the monotonous tone ring once. Then twice. Then three times. Sollux’s breath shakes like his hands as he inhales a superfluous amount of air. You rest your hand on his forearm as the last ring is interrupted. 

_Hello, this is the abuse hotline of Wisconsin, are you in any immediate danger?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (sorry I fricked up before, I'm just super unorganized, but I changed the thing and you'll hardly even notice)


	28. June 22nd

The faint buzzing of your phone, a constant paranoia, made itself known. An unexpected, yet expected call from your brother. You knew he’d call, you just thought it would’ve been sooner than this. It was about a month since classes have been over and John had come back from visiting family just a few days ago, up until then you had had the place to yourself. Gamzee had gone god knows where, he probably had some circus family in town or something and Tavros was going to be back in Missouri to be with his family doing some physical therapy the whole summer. Now it was just you and John in the apartment. So, the sex was louder. John’s father was paying for the rent that you guys couldn’t, but you had picked up a job at Target and John had picked up a job at The Coffee Corner generously given to him by the old lady. He’s the only other person that works there and he says it’s like working with his nanna whom he misses dearly since her passing. 

John had nagged you about calling your brother a lot, but you had too much pride. Thank god he wasn’t like you. You answered quickly not wanting to miss it.

“Hey,” you said, chill as motherfucking ice. 

“Hey,” he said, also chill as a motherfucking glacier.

“Sup,” you said, chill as a motherfucking blizzard.

“Business as usual,” he said, chill as a motherfucking tundra. He sacrificed the chill then to say, “Terezi moved out and got her own place. She managed to get a job in court. I don’t know how someone as crazy as her could be in our justice system. It just seems kind of fucked, right?”

“Totally,” you agree. No signs of surprise in your voice, but how. How the hell did she get a job in court. You could only manage get a job at Target. Well, really it was the first and closest place to hire you. 

“So yeah, now I’ve got a ton of open room if you feel like coming down. I’m not going to try to make you stay or anything. I kinda get why you’ve decided against treatment, even though I don’t love it … and I’m not going to try to stop you anymore.” 

That pretty much sold you on going back to Texas and seeing Bro again. “Yeah, cool” you said, chill as the frozen section of a grocery store. The most chill of all. “When?”

~

You and John both go down to Texas. Bro said you could invite him to come along and at first you were cautious of the idea, but you really wanted to spend more time with him since he’d been gone. Also, you might need him for backup if things get tense between you and Bro. So you invited him and he thought for a moment before replying, “So is this like me meeting your family?”

“Um,” _it’s me squeezing every ounce of time out of you possible before something happens_ “I guess. It’s just my Bro though, so you don’t need to seek his approval or anything.”

“Dave, he’s your only family so he’s basically all of your relatives combined into one. I really want him to like me.”

“Egbert, I happen to have a kind of cousin, Rose. She’d love you for sure and so will Bro. Maybe a little too much. If he hits on you at all, do not flirt back. If you flirt back I’m breaking up with you and kicking you out on the streets of Texas.” 

“You think he’d hit on me?”

Let’s montage through a packing scene, a good nights sleep, a long flight out and here you are at the airport in Texas. Your brother is holding a stupid sign that says “The kid brother and his boyfriend” in sloppy handwriting and when he spots you he eyes John up and down. He whistles and exclaims, “You and I sure do have similar tastes.”

You groan, “Do not flirt,” pointing a finger at both Bro and John. You were pretty sure John wouldn’t flirt, but if he liked you, he might like your brother. Your Bro would definitely flirt. 

“I’m Dave’s Bro. Or Dirk. Whichever you want to call me.”

“Um, hi, I’m John, Dave’s boyfriend, but I think you knew that already.” He pointed at the sign and chuckled. You start walking towards the exit and they follow suit. John probably didn’t like the sign seeming so public and so gay. 

“Yeah, Dave’s told me about you before. He’s always talking about you really.”

“Oh?” John’s face brightened and he looked at you devilishly, “What does he tell you?” 

“Bro, where are you parked?” You said, evading the subject.

“I know where I parked,” he said and evading your evasion he added, “Dave used to come back and talk about how heartsick he was and-”

“Here you are. Ok lets all get in the car quietly and ride quietly until we get there and we get out quietly.” 

That’s not how it went down. Bro continued to be an absolute ass throughout the car ride and you tried to talk over him to no avail and John just attempted to stifle his laughter. Eventually you just let Bro go at it and you began nodding along like, “yep, that’s me, I did those things”. John held your hand sitting next to you in the backseat of Bro’s shitty little white car. The pseudo leather seat had stuffing falling out the ragged holes and the smell of cigarettes. Empty bottles and fast food trash littered the floor, but it was comfortable to you. You and Bro had managed to slip into your natural rhythm again even though you had spent some time not exactly loving each other recently. 

You guys made your way to the 2 bedroom apartment that you had lived most of your life in and showed John inside. He didn’t seem surprised by the amount of junk you guys just had lying around, but he was a bit off put by some of the puppets. Bro gestured to the couch, “I’d tell you you can sleep here, but I’m sure you’ll just wind up in Dave’s room somehow.”You both laugh in agreement, then he adds, “But no sex.”

Uncomfortable eye contact ensues before he continues to say, “Or at least no noise while I’m home.” 

“Damn,” You say, “We never get to make noise.”

“Dave!” John gasps like a 1950’s murder mystery revealing whodunnit.

“Sorry, I’ll ask next time.”

“John,” Bro puts on an apologetic face, “He doesn’t hide anything from me and I don’t hide anything from him. We don’t have parent-child boundaries, we have brother boundaries.” You shiver involuntarily. _Goddamn puppet porn._

The first night there you all just chill together watching bad movies, playing bad video games, watching good movies, and playing good video games. You ordered chinese food at first and then later a pizza. You took some painkillers because you were feeling like shit and then eventually you all went to bed. John insisted that he was going to stay on the couch to be respectful so you left him out there with a pillow and some bedsheets. 

Not even twenty minutes later he comes and knocks on the door which isn’t even closed and you lean your head to the right from your bed and say, “John. That door is literally so open that I can see your dorky ass hand hovering over the knob right now. I left it open so you _wouldn’t_ have to knock. Why would you think you had to knock?”

“I‘ve never been in your room before okay, I was just doing what anyone else would do.”

“Ok, but you’re still standing out there having this conversation with me.”

“... Can I-”

“Yes, you can come in.”

He tentatively pushed the door open and put his right leg in and took his right leg out, he put his right leg in and he shook it all about. No, he didn’t really, but can you imagine? Yes, you can, and you just did. Hah, enough jokes though...

John put his foot down gently, like testing pool water before the summer has truly began. Cautious of the cold. “Is there a light?” he asked, attempting to navigate the first few feet of your dark room. You chuckle before clicking on a flashlight and throwing it to him. He manages to avoid whatever is lying on the ground and you mumble a half assed apology at the mess. 

He gets to the bed and you tug him by the wrist before he has time to be unsure. He snuggles into you and muffled, he says into your chest, “no sex.”

You push his dark hair back from his forehead and say, “Idiot. I’m not trying to have sex with you, I’m trying to sleep with you.” You can sense that he’s smiling and before long he’s turning in his sleep so he can breathe and you’re cuddling into his back, his scent washing away in the room.

 

The light doesn’t wake you in the morning but it wakes John, and before he’s truly woken up he’s pushing on your shoulder. “Dave,” He whispers. You groan and shove your face further into your pillow. He pokes your cheek. “Daaave, wake up, it’s snowing!”

Your eyes open, not in a snappy manor, but pretty damn quick. You’re turning over in bed searching for a window before remembering you’re back in your own room. In Texas. In the summer. It is not snowing. “You asshat,” You croak, your words slurred with sleep, the same sleep you try to wipe from your eyes. He kisses you happily with morning breath and you don’t even hate it. You kind of love it. You’ve never woken up in this bed this way. 

“What time is it?” you ask and he shrugs. “‘Kay then I’m not getting up.” You pull the blankets back up around you and over John and he doesn’t protest until you close your eyes.

“Daaave, don’t fall asleep and leave me alone in your weird room.” You pretend you’ve already fallen asleep, “I mean what even are those things on your shelf in jars. Is that… Dave that’s so gross.” You just know he’s crinkling his nose with a look of disgust. “Do you ever pick up anything off the ground? You practically killed me last night y’know. I could buy you a laundry hamper if that’ll make it easier.” He shifts in the bed and leaves a cold space next to you when he gets out. You hear him moving about the room so you open one eye. He’s picking up whatever he can off the ground.

You hurriedly leave the bed as well grabbing your shades off your turntables turned table for the night. “Woah, just put it down, Egbert, I don’t need you touching my delicates.”

“As if I’ve never touched your delicates before.” You grab the things out of his hands and throw it to a pile in the corner of the room. He bends down to grab more, but you grab it before he does throwing it with the others and adding, “No John, don’t touch.” You corral him out of the room and he scoffs some sort of remark that may have just been disgruntled mumbling. 

Outside the bedroom there are no signs of Bro being home. You push his door open a little and find he’s not in his room. You turn to John, “I guess we’re alone.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“No idea, but he’ll come back.”

John’s stomach makes a familiar noise of hunger and you smirk. “Food?” 

“Yeah, even though we ate half the world’s supply of food last night, I guess I’m still hungry. Do you guys eat like this all the time?” You listen to him walking into the kitchenette (it’s smaller than John’s back in Wisconsin despite the saying everything’s bigger in Texas) and pulling out a box of mac and cheese. You lift it up to him and he laughs a little, nodding.

“Pretty much, except when I was on chemo I didn’t feel hungry as much or it would be too painful to eat.”

“...So that explains how you’ve managed to stay skinny, but what about Bro? How is he not fat already? How am I not going to get fat? Oh my god. I’m going to get reeeaally fat, aren’t I?” The pot of water is put over a burner to start boiling and you stand there in wait.

“Absolutely.” You smile at him and he steps closer punching your shoulder and then grabbing your arm, still playful. You’re suddenly conscious of your lack muscle and how much stronger his grip is compared to yours, but when you look up at him he’s simply studying the curve of your jaw. You don’t think he even notices how bony your arm is. He softens his grip then and strokes the material of your sleeve. Maybe he does notice, he simply isn’t bothered by it.

“Soo…” he says and you lick your lips greedily hoping he’s craving more touches the way you are. Then he continues, “is that enough bubbles to consider it boiling?” He points at the pot and you look. 

You roll your eyes, a wasted effort beneath shades, and add the noodles. You get the strainer out from a lower drawer with other assorted kitchenware and place it in the relatively small sink. John watches you interested from his seat atop the small kitchenette counter. Boiling was mostly waiting.

“We’ve got some time to kill,” you suggest stepping towards him with a bit of a swagger.

“Yeah?” he questions.

“Yeah,” you asure.

“Well I know some games we could play. I think they’re really fun, let’s see, there’s 20 questions or ispy-”

“Are there any more physical games we could play?” you waggle your eyebrow in attempts of more obvious seduction.

“What like hide and go seek? Or tag? I’m not running in here if you think we’re gonna play tag, have you seen all the death hazards?” He is just so damn good at being oblivious.

“I was thinking something a little more adult. Like rated-R stuff. XXX.” 

“Oh,” it’s finally clicking for him, a heat rising in his cheeks, and he slides down off the counter standing in front of you. “How are we going to keep the noodles from overcooking?” You give him mad props for those priorities.

“We can be quick.”

He laughs out loud exclaiming, “Dave, you couldn’t be quick if you wanted to. You take so long.”

“Or is it maybe that you don’t know how to last.”

“Oh I can last.” He challenges. Wait... a sex challenge? Hell yes.

“Really?” You bite your lower lip with intrigue, “Ok so you’ve gotta last at least as long as it takes for the noodles to finish cooking.”

“That’s only 9 minutes. I think you’re being a little too confident.”

“I believe in myself. I know I can do this. I’ve been preparing-”

“You’re wasting time.” He said, sliding his sweat pants and boxer briefs down to the floor to reveal the world’s most flaccid dick.

“You just want me to start sucking you off already.” But he was right, so you got on your knees in front of him. You looked up to say more, but he pushed your head down lightly as a reminder and a little bit of play. Play you could totally be into.

You didn’t touch him directly right away, no, you started by licking his hip bone and pushing his shirt up to his armpits. Splaying your hands over his chest to toy with his nipples lightly before pulling your nails down his side and cupping his ass. You kneaded at the soft skin there, hardly seen by the sun and sucked a bruise just over his left hip bone. He audibly breathed in.

He was already looking down at you when you looked up. You were supposed to be getting him off, but right now you could feel yourself pressing into the boxers you were wearing, likely causing a small tent that will only grow given time. You ignored that for now and you also ignored his lustful eyes on you as he stroked back your hair with his hand. And dear lord don’t even think about his bed head.

You were losing focus and time, this calls for drastic measures. It’s time to start blowing him. You licked your lips before covering your teeth with them and went straight for the kill. His now not-entirely-limp dick in your mouth. You took in all of him as he was still relatively small, but after plenty of bobs you noticed it was getting harder to push down all the way to his base. 

You kept trying, but you choked a little and backed off for a breather, continuing with your hand. John slid down suddenly to be face to face with you and kissed you on your precum coated lips, he was so much sweeter compared to the bitter taste of his penis. That was when it really hit you. The quickened heart beat, the tight chest, the sweaty palms, the flipping stomach. When he kissed you, it was electricity running through your veins, a surplus release of dopamine, it was fireworks and it was shakespearean love sonnets. It was unapologetic clichés. It was John.

It might’ve been love.

In shock, you pull back from his lips short of breath and red in the face. He stares questioningly for a moment at your frightened expression, but you don’t let him say anything. You lean down into his lap and start bobbing again with a little more tenacity. A moan tells you he’s all but forgotten your brief terror.

This is the first time it has occurred to you that your feelings for this boy could be so profound. You worry about the source of these symptoms only briefly, because you know it’s not the cancer. No, this is a far worse disease and it is so much more powerful. You try to forget about what you’ve thought by focusing on the task at hand. 

You pop your mouth off and use your hand more, thumbing the head gently and then licking-

You were rudely interrupted by a timer going off in the distant reality. You looked at John disappointed and he bit his tongue then said, “Forget the mac and cheese.” Your eyebrows went up in surprise and he laughed, “but we should probably turn off the heat so we don’t burn the house down.”

You did so and said, “if you want to get creative I happen to own a vibrator.”

“Happen to?” He laughs, “No one ‘happens’ to own a vibrator.”

“What about that one you have in-”

“So anyway can we continue in your room? I just feel really out in the open in your kitchen. And a good mopping in here wouldn’t kill anybody. I mean your room isn't Mr. Cleans, but at least your bed sheets seem relatively washed.”

“God, since when did you become such a neat freak?”

“Since I saw this apartment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'm going to be able to finish this before the end of the year (unless I really get my act together and stop wasting all of my time), but we are down to the last 5 chapters give or take. *Single party horn sound effect which is meant to be joyous but is actually kind of sad sounding* Also sorry I'm such a dork. "c'mon the hokey pokey? You're just going to leave that in there?" Hell motherfucking yes I am.


	29. July 8th 1:27 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Suicide**

It’s the earliest hours of the day when he texts you. The harsh buzzing noise is so unpleasant to wake to when you’re in the comfort and safety of John’s arms. You figure you’ll leave it till the morning, but it comes again and again at an alarmingly rapid rate so you push yourself out of the safety and grab your phone off your turntables. The bright light bores into your fresh untinted eyes. The texts go as follows:

Captor: they all hate me  
Captor: they say i did this to him  
Captor: he did this to himself! you think so too right?  
Captor: you said it wasn’t my fault  
Captor: but my family says it is  
Captor: they want me to leave  
Captor: so i have nowhere to go  
Captor: you’re all the way in texas and i  
Captor: i can’t tell ed  
Captor: I’m not good enough  
Captor: i mean just tonight i 

The texts stopped coming so quickly and you waited a minute then two before you realized he was done texting.

You: what did you do

He didn’t reply and you began to worry. What if he took something? Is he trying to kill himself right now? You’re too far away… you should never have left him alone.

You quit attempting to text him because he’s not responding. You dial his number into your phone. It rings once then twice. A few times more and it goes to voicemail. You call again your heart thumping in your chest, and a headache conquering your temples. It rings again and again.

He picks up but doesn’t say anything. “Sollux. What did you do?”

“I,” his voice is husky and he takes in air audibly to fill his lungs, “I cut again.” Your heart sinks. You know this conversation isn’t over yet.

“Was that it?” Your voice is stern and authoritative. John stirs in the bed and sits up. He doesn’t say anything, waiting for you to finish your call.

“I just swallowed some pills…” This is exactly what you had feared. “I didn’t realize you were awake.”

“You need to throw up right now. Go into the bathroom, shove your finger down the back of your throat and vomit.”

His end of the line is silent. No movement.

“Sollux, _please_ don’t do this. I’m supposed to die before you. It’s just the way it’s meant to go down.”

You meant to make him laugh, to make this whole situation less tense, but instead he’s crying. You push forcefully against your face with the palm of your hand. You’re doing this all wrong. 

“ _please_ ” you beg again and you can’t stop your voice from cracking or the tears from welling up in your eyes. “I’m going to call Eridan and tell him he needs to call 911.”

“No!” He says. At least he said something. 

“Then go throw up.”

You hear the creaking of the floor or maybe door and then some shuffling and more silence. “There. I threw up. Happy?”

“You didn’t throw up! Did you forget I can hear you, dumbass?”

“This is my decision.” He said firmly.

“It’s the worst and stupidest decision you’ve ever made and I know you’ll thank me later for not letting you make it. I’m calling ampora.”

“Fine. I don’t care anymore. He’ll find out somehow anyway right?”

No. He’s giving up this is not good. “It’s not peaceful like they say it is. It causes seizures and hallucinations and so much pain before you finally let go.”

“Better sooner rather than later,” he laughs. He actually laughs. It’s not joyous, it’s sad and demented and hopeless.

A hand on your shoulder startles you. It’s John with worry in his eyes, likely a more confused mirror of your own. “Sollux is trying to kill himself,” You state grimly and he covers his mouth to keep from making noise.

“Is that John?” You hear him ask.

“Yeah.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“If you throw up and get yourself to a hospital, we’ll leave Texas for Wisconsin and talk to you face to face. How does that sound?”

“Unlikely.”

You fill with a scream you can’t let out and say once and for all, through gritted teeth, “I’m calling him now.”

You wasted time bargaining with him when it was so futile. Your finger shakes as you put Eridans number in, the water in your eyes collecting too fast to get a clear view. You’ve only called him once before otherwise you rarely made contact with him. Four rings in you feared he wouldn’t answer because who would at this time of day, but he did. he whispered a groggy, “Dave?” and that set you off.

“Sollux is trying to kill himself. He swallowed some pills, I don’t know what exactly, but you need to call 911 and get them to him as quick as possible. He’s refusing to throw them up.”

“Woah, what?” His thick accent was impossible to hide.

“Eridan. Call 911. Sollux needs you.”

“Holy fuck, o-ok.”

You wait about ten minutes before calling Eridan again, hoping to check on his progress, but he doesn’t answer. John tells you he’s probably caught up in everything right now and to give it some more time. You try to relax into his touch when he pushes on the pressure points in your neck. It’s difficult, but you manage to close your eyes. John lures you back into the bed with promises of warmth and continues to rub his palms calmly over the stress spots in your body.

He talks to you quietly about god knows what, but for some time you feel safe again. You kiss his forehead and his eyes droop despite his best efforts to stay up with you. It’s been 3 and a half hours.

Then Eridan calls back. “Hey.”

“What’s happening? Is he…?” You don’t know where you’re going with that.

“He’s fine. He got a stomach pump and they’re keeping him for 72 hours under suicide watch and then a guardian has to come pick him up or check him into rehab. I think he hates me now.”

You wouldn’t doubt if Sollux had told him that himself. Sometimes he could be such a dick. He’s probably just trying to do some bullshit pretentious ‘I’m saving you from me’ thing. “Eridan,” You sigh, “I think you should stick around. Talk to him. Let him tell you everything. He doesn’t hate you, he’s just being an ass and he actually loves you so much.”

“Can’t talk to him right now, he’s totally out...Did he tell you?”

“About loving you? He said he thinks he might-”

“No! Oh my god that’s not what I meant,” you could hear the blush on his face, “I meant about what he was going through… mentally and stuff.”

“I knew some things, but I’m sure not everything.”

He huffed jealousy into the phone and you took that as your cue to bud out. They had some things to discuss, but first a little button pushing couldn’t hurt.

“Hey, Ampora tell Captor I love him and I hope he’ll forgive me.”

He growled and hung up. You had a perfect execution. John was breathing quietly, his head in your lap. You moved to lay down next to him and he made a little humming noise and lifted himself up on shaky arms as if to reassure that he had been awake the whole time. “Is he okay?” he asked, his voice cracking a bit under exhaustion.

“He’s going to be fine.”

“Good,” He sways and falls onto the mattress. You shove a pillow under his head and brush his hair back, kissing the top of his head.

“Do we have the same kind of relationship as you and Sollux did?” You’re not really sure why John is always so interested in you and Sollux. It was just dudes fucking for fucks sake.

“John, our relationship is the polar opposite from what I had with him.” 

“Really? Like how?”

“We’re a lot more committed to each other I guess, I mean Sollux and I just wanted to fuck and be cared for, when us, we’re more like I want to fuck you _because_ I care for you.”

“Do you still care for Sollux the way you care for me?” 

“I care for both of you differently. like I love Sollux,” as the words fall out of your mouth you can’t stop yourself, “but I’m in love with you.” _oh motherfuck_. You keep talking to try to cover it up. “And I want to be with you more than trying to prolong my life.” Are you making this worse? You’re totally making this worse.

He lifts himself again to look at you, much more awake this time.“Dave, no, I swear to god I better not be the reason you don’t do chemo anymore. I swear to , _god_ if you’re making some stupid pretentious fatal decision for young love-” 

“Only love. Lets get real here John I probably don’t have the time to fall in love more than once for the rest of my life” Where are these words coming from? 

“Dave shut up I swear, just do chemo again.” 

“No. I can’t do chemo anymore. When I’m going through chemo everything is dull all the time. I like feeling like me. I like tasting good food and being able to keep it down. I _like_ feeling things when I’m with you.” 

The argument usually lasts much longer. This time his face softens and he says, “Don’t think I didn’t hear you before. I’m in love with you too.”

The moonlight is filtering through the blinds on your windows and shining on your faces, interrupting the same dark you fell in love. You heard only his voice when he spoke the words and you believed him. He grabs your hand under the thin summer blankets and you whisper back to him, “I love the way you say that.” 

He laughs, “I love hearing you say it too.” 

“I love you” You say 

“I love you” He says 

John’s eyes are the best thing you’ve ever seen even as all the color has been stripped away by the night and replaced with a cool grey. They always seemed to find you even in the darkest hour. It was the most noticeable thing you remember about him from that first day you met him in the bathroom. You can’t shake the feeling that it’s a terribly realistic dream. A dream that you would give anything to sleep forever for and because you’re so in love with him you tell him, “I’ll try again.” You mean it too. You can’t imagine giving up what you have anymore, you used to think it was okay if it was just Bro, he’s strong, he’d get over it, but now you have John and Sollux and even Eridan in a way. Jade has become a promising prospect as a possible friend and you can’t wait to see what happens with that bitchy girlfriend of hers. 

He doesn’t say anything but you can feel him smiling in the darkness, “It’s not just because of the sex,” you joke, “it’s also because of my brother.” He kind of raised you. He deserves to see some fruition right?

“Ew dave,” he groans, but theres so much happiness in his voice, “don’t talk about our sex and you’re brother in the same sentence.”

“Really though imagine if I recover and I get my sex drive back.” 

“You _will_ recover,” and then, as if he had just fully heard you, he asked, “wait... you don't have a sex drive?”

“Not all of it,” you wiggle your eyebrows even though he can hardly see you.

“Yeah you’ll definitely recover” 

“For the sex.” 

“Oh my god shut up you’re soooooooo stupid,” despite what he says he kisses your nose repeatedly until he’s had enough. Which takes a while. You rest your forehead on his and say I love you and he says it back like a childish game until one of you falls asleep, you’re not sure who. Maybe you never stop. 

You have the best dreams and the worst dreams. Visions of John’s smiling and keeping you warm and just being there, and nightmares about Sollux swallowing razor blades, running away from you and just not being there.

Then you wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proofread so sorry if it's dumb. maybe I'll fix it later, but it's been awhile and I felt like I owed at least one update to let you guys know that I'm still writing it and I'm still kind of alive. I'm just having a lot of difficulty trying to keep it in the direction I had planned it to go, as I am currently falling apart. I'm hoping this spell won't last too long. I really really am. I want to get back to finishing this the right way as we're so close to the end. I'm so sorry this is taking so long.


	30. July 8th 2:46 PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd to last chapter! almost there! (that's only for plot though because I may have purposefully left out certain sex scenes in order to get through this plot. I might post those as a bonus after it's finished. Remember at the end of "June 22nd" when they took things into the bedroom?? Oh yes, I wrote that.)

John’s gone, out of your room somewhere. You inhale his scent on your pillow and smile into the soft fabric of the pillow sheets you put on just for him. You hear distant noises of pans rustling and the TV playing something action related. You’re laying on your chest and it’s sticking to the sheets. It’s too hot to stay in bed. You shove your feet out from underneath the end of the sheet and, turning over, you slowly swing them to the floor. Your throat feels tight and unused. You remember the mixed feelings of your dreams, but you can’t remember the subject. You wonder if you even dreamt at all or if it was just residue from last night’s events.

Last night…

You check your phone for any news from Eridan there’s two voicemails and an unexpected text from Sollux. 

**Captor: you suck**

It’s a surprise that he was allowed his phone or that he was even awake. You didn’t really have any experience to base any of your assumptions off though. It’s mostly a surprise that he wanted to talk to you at all, even if it was to insult you.

**You: <3**

You listen to the voicemails, both from Eridan. 

“Hey, he’s up again, but you didn’t answer your phone so I guess you must be asleep, right?” He sighs heavily into the phone and continues, “They had to put restraints on him because he pulled out the iv, which was so fuckin dumb a him,” his voice breaks, “You guys should come back because I don’t know how to do any of this. Not by myself.”

Your heart pangs with guilt and sympathy and you know you have to go back. You’re going back as soon as you can, but your doctor is here and you need to talk to her about resuming treatment. 

You let the voicemail linger on your phone as a reminder and listen to the next one.

“Hey, um, they called Sollux’s dad and I still have no fuckin’ clue how to help him because he’s freaking out that his fathers going to come and I might’ve told him to tell the doctor that his dad’s a fuckin psychopath, but he started defending him?? Why?? Why the motherfuckin fuck would he defend that piece of shit? Yeah, so we don’t know when’s he’s comin, but if you could just get here before then? That’d be great.”

You’re not going to get there before then. You call to tell him this. He sounds just as stressed and sleep deprived as the last two voicemails. “Please tell me you’re on a plane over Illinois right now.” 

“I would love to tell you about how I'm on a plane and I got a bag of shitty pretzels, but I’m actually sitting in a bed in texas and I don’t even have shitty pretzels.”

He laughs half heartedly, “His father is coming sometime today. I don’t know if he’s gonna wait to take him home first or just kill him right on the spot. And I’m.. scared I guess. This is so- why am I telling you of all people?”

“Come on ampora, we’re actually bff’s don’t even deny it.”

He scoffs, but you know he’s not really bothered by you. At least not right now. Something about a mutual loved one being in the hospital makes it hard to be an asshole. “I wish we could come back, but my doctor is down here and we have a consulting appointment in two days… Maybe after that we could come back?” That’s assuming the doctor doesn’t tell you your cancer has progressed too far for anything to be done. Assuming that you’re still alive at all.

“Fine yeah. Just as soon as you can ok?”

“Ok. Do you want to talk to John?”

“... Yeah, I guess.” You hold your phone to your chest to muffle any sounds and proceed to find John.

He was trying to make something out of what you guys had in your tiny kitchenette, but all he was making was noise. You see him bent over, wiggling his butt in your boxers as he digs through a drawer in your fridge. “John.” He smacks his head on the glass shelf above him and curses, rubbing the pain away as he turns to you.

“Why would you do that?”

“I just said your name, chill. What are you looking for? We probably don’t have it.”

“I was looking for something breakfast-like. Eggs, jam I don’t care, just not leftover chinese as usual.” _Psh, there’s nothing wrong with leftovers._

“We could go out”

“It’s already the afternoon, where would we get breakfast?”

“ihop”

He smiled at your proposal then asked, “Are you on the phone with someone?” gesturing at the hand against your chest.

“Oh yeah, it’s just Eridan. He wants to talk to you.”

“Oh! Ok, here,” He reached for the phone and you obliged. You listened to him for awhile. He was asking so many questions Eridan probably wasn’t prepared for and then apologising profusely and repeating the process. It was entertaining sure, but you walked out of the kitchenette anyway. 

You had some planning to do. 

~~

You make john wear a suit and you tell him you’re going someplace special. He feels a little awkward dressed so nice in an ihop and he constantly worries he’s going to spill on it. You don’t ask him why it is that he had a suit in his bags. You don’t want him to say “for a funeral”.

You wished you could drive. You wished you could blindfold John and put him in the passenger seat as you drove him around your hometown, making your destination a complete mystery to him. You wished you could be in control, but instead you were feeding John directions and watching him turn the wheel. You make him park in the lot of a strip mall and turn off the car. 

He stares at you expectantly before realizing you aren’t going to say anything. “When you made me wear a suit I thought we were going to visit a grave or eat somewhere really fancy.”

“Why would I make you wear a suit to visit a grave?”

“It’s just something people do sometimes. My father made me wear a suit when we visited my nana.”

“Well I’m not your father and I don’t know of any nanas we could visit. I mean the only dead person I know of is my mother.” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Dave.”

“Nah, don’t have to apologize, I didn’t really know her. Bro did, but I don’t know if he loved her. I mean, she killed herself on his birthday for christ’s sake. It was like she was only staying alive until bro was 18 so we didn’t have to be split up, which I guess was the least she could do. I was only four then so I don’t remember much. It’s not like I think about her anymore.” Only on Bro’s birthday when you don’t celebrate.

He seemed a little awkward trying to go about what to say next, so you filled the air with more of your words. “We’re going to chuck e cheeses.”

He squinted at you, thinking carefully about what you had just said, but coming up blank, “...What?”

“Yep. You and me. We’re going to go play some skee ball, and scare some kids probably and maybe fuck around in the skytubes.”

“No, no no, we’re not doing any sort of “fucking” in a chuck e cheeses. That’s where a kid can be a kid, and should stay a precious, innocent kid.”

“John, I-”

“And what the hell did you make me wear a suit for? It’s going to get destroyed by the boogery fingers of small children.”

“John, I was joking about chuck e cheeses. We’re going somewhere much more sophisticated.” You look over his shoulder and he follows your gaze to the neon sign of a one story establishment in the line of stores.

“DAVE. Laser Quest is practically the same thing!”

“Come on,” You push the car door open, “I made reservations. I feel better than I have in a long time, and if I’m going back to treatment I gotta use my treatment free self right now.” 

You step out of the car and wait for him in the warm summer air, the sun still beating down as the days are longer and filled with more light. As the day turns to evening the air begins to thin and it gets harder for the sun’s rays to penetrate your clothing. It’s still so much warmer than Wisconsin. You watch cars speed past just outside of the parking lot and you hear his door open.

“All right. Let’s go.” Your heart leaps with excitement. Wait, no, your heart stutters in pain and you’re not sure why. You think to tell John, but then he’s taking your hand and leading you across the stagnant parking lot. _I’m just paranoid,_ you tell yourself.

Everyone gives you strange looks as you command tickets from the front desk, as if you aren’t the only ones who are appropriately dressed for laser tag. Some of the workers snicker as you leave them, making remarks about your sanity and John is quite obviously uneasy about it all. “Relax, they’ll get used to it and we’re going to have fun looking hot and playing the sport of all sports.” You grab a two person table in the lobby and drag your chair closer to his. He crinkles his nose in this adorable nerd way.

“I’m not sure you know what sports are. Laser tag is not a sport.”

“What qualifies a sport?”

“Skill, competition, uhm something about physicality…”

“All of that can be found in laser tag”

“Ok, but you don’t play lasertag in the olympics”

“Maybe not in this century”

“You don’t know that we’re ever going to be playing laser tag in another century”

“I timetravel, of course I know”

“Dave” He sighs, but it isn’t heavy

“You’re the time traveler's wife you know.”

“What is this? some kind of romance novel???”

“Totally.”

Your faces have managed to drift towards in each other in conversation and you’re close enough that when your gaze shifts from his eyes to his lips it’s a noticeable leap. He takes his lower lip into his mouth, conscious of being watched and your heart thrums against your ribcage. You slide your hand across your bridged knees to his. He lets out a shaky voice when he says, “PeeeeeDAyyyy,” but he doesn’t move your hand away from his leg and he doesn’t break your eye contact. You lean in further and he leans in too, not protesting at all, seemingly ok with the PDA he’s been so afraid of for so long. 

“First call for the 5:30 game of laser tag, first call for the 5:30 game.” You held 5:30 tickets in your hand, crumpling the thin paper slightly with a tightened grip. 

“That’s us,” You breathe regretfully. He licks his lip and swallows before kissing you briefly and backing away. Your cheeks burned as you adjusted your shades. “Wow. Thank you. Wait, that was stupid, I don’t mean thank you I mean- alright, so we should go now right? I mean they’ve got that door open just waiting for us.” You cock your head in it’s direction across the lobby. He smiles so wide you think his face might break. “Shut up,” you tell him, and you cross the floor to the “Briefing Room”.

You sat together on the carpeted bleachers in the small humid room of about 40 people. The loud hyper children ran back and forth the small floor space and screamed about their articles of clothing glowing in the blacklight. You shifted closer to John in the swamp of people because he’s the only one you wanted in your personal space bubble. A teenager entered the room then and began shouting something over everyone. Most people quieted, but the children. Sweet jesus, you hoped you were on the opposite team so you could point your phaser at them. 

The teenager of maybe 17 or 18 shouted, “Hello everybody, my name’s CeCe and I’ll be your guide tonight. Has anyone never played laser tag here before?” Hands were raised, including yours. “Alright then I have a video for us to watch.” Up on the screen at the front of the room some sound effects began playing as the laser quest logo spun into view. Thus ensued the most boring 3 minute informational video, although it did include some pretty A+ cheesy jokes. It was difficult to even learn anything because the children had gotten just as loud as before and the guide had left into the other room. 

When CeCe came back, they split you all into two groups (you were on the red with John and the children were on the blue) and brought you into the next room where you chose vests. The name of your vest was Jedidiah while John’s was Solomon. 

CeCe ushered you all into the arena and as quick as the last person entered, the game began. Lasers were everywhere, fog was pouring out of the “ruins” and the guide could be heard yelling “Walk!” from anywhere you went. The yelling was even directed at you once or twice when you were caught, but it’s not like you had that much oxygen to continue running anyway. You kind of felt really stuffy breathing in all the fog, so you shuffled into a hiding hole and crouched low to the ground to breathe. You lost John in all the commotion. You felt very alone.

The guide walked past you and you hopped to your feet to stop them. “Excuse me, which way is out?” The kind guide led you back to the entrance, but then John caught your arm.

“Hey, are you ok? I couldn’t find you.” You wrapped him up in a hug, bulky plastic vests and all, and he froze. “Uhh, Dave? Are we still playing or?” Both your vests were zapped at that moment. You looked up at the source and found it to be the children, snickering from the second floor. 

“Yeah we’re still playing.” You turned to give your apologies to the guide who was very understanding, and you took off with John this time to enjoy the rest of the game. When the game ends and you go to check your scores in the lobby you found you had not lost to the children and that was good enough for you. You and John both decide that one game was enough for now and you head into the arcade to play some real sports. Sports like skee ball which you evidently sucked at because it was basically mini bowling and those little bastards just wouldn’t get you the score you wanted. You played more games of laser tag, bought more tokens, played more skee ball, tried giant connect four, ate some mozzarella sticks, ate some fries, ate some pizza, redeemed your tickets for a foam sword, prankster glasses, chinese finger trap and a sucker. And then you went home.

You got home at 11 something and you crawl to your bed as soon as you’re in the door. You faintly hear John talking to Bro in the hallway before he comes and joins you. He’s in a very good mood. “Ya’know I get that you might wanna date him one day, I get that you’ll have Strider withdrawal, and I just want you to know that I’ll be okay with it. If he makes you happy.”

“I could go cold turkey. You’re the only Strider addiction I’ll have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Has to take the ACT in less than a week  
> -Started a GSA and is the sole leader  
> -is a girl scout who sells and delivers cookies  
> -is a girl scout who is trying to earn their gold award  
> -is a girl scout who is a Head Program Assistant  
> -Writes a lot of shit that isn't fanfiction  
> -Started doing schoolwork because I failed 3 CLASSES last semester  
> -Has a job because I need money because I wanna go to new york this year  
> -Makes a lot of lists no one cares about  
> -forgot I was writing this a little bit oops


	31. Solutions

It’s been 3 days. You are dying. You feel yourself being suffocated by the vomit forging it’s way out of your mouth. The back of your throat burns as you hang your head over the toilet spilling your colorful insides. The smell of the toilet alone is enough to make you retch. John rubs your back and you feel like backing away from his touch. This is all his fault. “I hate you,” You croak through a sob and he bites his lip, but doesn’t cry. You regret it in the smallest part of you, but you’re just so mad right now, and you’re so mad _at him_ for doing this to you.

 

“You don’t mean that,” he whispers, probably more to himself than to you.

 

3 days ago your doctor introduced you to a new drug for your particular rare case of cancer.

 

“About 5% of people with Non Small Cell Lung Cancer have been found to have a rearrangement in a gene called ALK. This change is most often seen in non-smokers like yourself who have the adenocarcinoma subtype of NSCLC. The ALK gene rearrangement produces an abnormal ALK protein that causes the cells to grow and spread. We don’t typically treat this with chemotherapy anymore as it’s been seen to be ineffective.” You nodded when she looked to you, unblinking. “Crizotinib,” she said, holding up a large white bottle and shaking it’s maraca-like contents, “is a drug that blocks the abnormal ALK protein and can shrink tumors in patients whose lung cancers have the ALK gene change.” 

“I already did chemo though, is that going to be a problem?”

“Not at all! It works just the same after being treated with chemo.” _Treated. Hah._

“How much is it?” You ask, but Bro interjects.

“I’ve come into some money, don’t worry about the expenses.” She looks at him like the sketchy figure he is, what with his fingerless gloves and everything and you frown. You’re not about to ask ‘what the hell have you been doing for money?’ in front of the doctor, but he knows you will eventually. She doesn’t ask because she doesn’t want to have to report him for anything illegal. She wants you to get the treatment you need. She’s known you for over 2 years now. Not that you guys saw each other all that often, with the whole 6 month cancer break which probably just let it progress a shit ton unsupervised. 

“Okay, so, This drug is taken twice a day as a pill. The most common side effects are mild and include nausea and vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, swelling, fatigue, and eye problems. However, some side effects can be severe, such as low white blood cell counts, lung inflammation, and heart rhythm problems. Call me if you experience any of those stronger symptoms and we’ll get it figured out.” 

 

These are only mild side effects. You can handle it, it’s just like chemo, you’ve done it before, but you feel so much worse this time. You’ve been vomiting repeatedly and for what feels like nonstop since you started taking the drugs. Your sunglasses are off on the floor somewhere, so they don’t fall in the toilet, so you had to turn off the light because it made you dizzy and the dizziness made you even more sick. “Fuck,” You spit. You literally spit. A chunk of something flies from your mouth and saliva dribbles down your chin in the aftermath. It doesn’t go unnoticed. John isn’t impervious to your disgusting malfunctioning bodily functions and he gags a little and turns away. “I just want this to be over.”

“Me too,” he says, soothing and strong, looking into your eyes, as if he can handle this any better than you can. 

Then you break. You do. You break. “I don’t want to be alive,” you snivel wiping the spit off your chin, but then snot starts running from your nose and you can feel the puke coating your teeth when you speak. “I just want to be dead already, I don’t want to do any of this anymore” 

You hang your head over the toilet again as you dry heave and John rubs your back.

You fall asleep at the toilet and wake up to a blanket around your shoulders. You drag the blanket and yourself to the couch and grab a plastic bowl for puke, even though you’re feeling ok right now. You don’t want to hack all over the smuppets. Well, you kind of do, but Bro would hate you. You let the TV play in the background of your thinking until you realize your thinking is playing in the background of the TV. You kind of wish you had a dog like Air Bud. 

Your phone buzzed from it’s position on the coffee table and you suddenly remembered your life outside of cancer. Sollux. He better be ok. What if he- god you’re so tired you don’t want to think all the horrible things you know you’ll think. You stop the phones relentless buzzing and press your phone to your ear. “Hey,” Oh god you just smelled your own breath.

“Are you ok? You don’t sound good.”

“You don’t sound like a voice model either. What’s up? Is Sollux ok?”

“His, uh, his dad came the other day and it was kind of a disaster…and he told sollux he should’ve killed himself, that he didn’t try hard enough.” Eridan sounded just as shitty as you, throat dry and words crackling, “I’ve never seen him look so weak.” 

“How is he now?”

“He’s doing better, actually his father checked him into rehab, and I’m so relieved he did because now Sol is getting some actual help. They put him on meds, and they know about his dad abusing him because I may have told them everything, but it’s ok because now they said they’re not going to release him to his father which wouldn’t have happened anyway since his dad cut him off from them. It hasn’t even been a week yet, but I think this is going to be good for him. Even if he hates it right now.”

“...Are you still going to date him?”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t want to abandon him, but maybe he’s not in a place for a relationship right now, or maybe it would just be too hard to date someone in a rehab center,” you hear him swallow into the speaker, “but maybe I love him and I don’t want to give up on him.”

“I think you need to talk to Sollux about what you guys are going to do.”

“Now wouldn’t be a good time. Maybe in a few weeks.”

“It’s all up to you. I can only meddle so much before it get’s weird.” 

“Yeah so, how are you? What’s going on in Texas? Cowboy hats and rodeos, right?”

“Hah, nothing but cowboy hats and rodeos. I tried to order some pizza and they said ‘sorry sir we only have cowboy hats and rodeos available for consumption’. I eat that shit for breakfast everyday.”

“Sounds awful. And... the doctor stuff? Sol told me about your cancer.”

Wow. No privacy. None whatsoever. “How long have you known?”

“Only for a couple months, I asked if you were anorexic or something because you’re so skinny.”

“Yeah, thanks, I’m not.”

“Sorry, are you ok? What did you talk to your doctor about?”

“She gave me a new drug to try. And so far it feels bodybuilder drug. Like thos drug entered strength competitions and took home the gold, it is so strong. I spent all of last night throwing up and yelling at John. Which is another shitty thing about cancer. Ok... I can’t really blame the cancer for this one, it was my fault.”

“What did you do? John’s okay right, you didn’t kill him?” 

“Worse. I said I hated him.”

“Ouch. That is a really dick move Dave. I know, I’ve been on the receiving end when Sol said he hated me. Why do we date you guys? You’re real assholes.”

“I knoooow. I feel like an asshole. I’m going to apologize when he wakes up. Has Sollux apologized yet?”

“I don’t think he remembers it, he was kind of drugged up. If he does remember it, he better pray to some god that I don’t find out before he apologizes. Honestly, such a dick move.”

“Ok, I got it.”

“No, I don’t think you do. It _really_ hurts to be told ‘I hate you’ by someone you love. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. He probably felt worse than you last night, might’ve cried himself to sleep. You need to be really nice to him when he wakes up. Literally get down on your hands and knees, kiss his ass, and beg for forgiveness.”

“Oh I’ll beg for it. Trust me.”

“Ew. Did you just make it sexual? God, that’s so like you. Oh! I’ve gotta go, and I mean it Dave. Apologize.” Then all you heard was the dial tone and the apartment was very quiet again. Just the TV playing and… John is awake. You can hear him rustling around in your bedroom. You prepare yourself mentally to say the right things, but maybe it’s the stress that forces the bile up your esophagus and into the plastic puke bowl at your side.

He emerges from your bedroom to this sight and he sighs, furrowing his brows with a look of pity. “John,” your voice scratches into the air at the makes of an apology, but he shushes you, petting your sweaty hair and asking, “Can I take this?” 

The puke bowl. He wants to clean out your puke bowl and you told him you hated him. You nod and he does so, rinsing it out in the kitchen sink. You look over the back of the couch at him and feel so much guilt. “I don’t hate you.” Your voice breaks as you say this, but you’re not looking to cry so you hold onto your words for now. 

He looks back at you and says, “I know,” because he’s a forgiving jerk and he’s definitely too good for you.

“I’m sorry.” He turns off the water and begins towelling the water off the bowl. “I love you so much and I should’ve never said that. It was mean and hurtful and Eridan told me I need to kiss your ass, so if you could just pull down your pants?” 

“Of course,” he laughed handing you back the bowl and going to kiss you.

“I just threw up, John, that is so gross.”

“I don’t care.”

Neither did you. So you didn’t kiss his ass, but you did kiss him. 

~

You found out only a mere month after hacking up what felt like all your vital organs, that your doctor knew what she was talking about. The drug she had prescribed was effectively shrinking the tumor in your lungs. The cancer wasn’t gone yet, but you were closer to being cancer free than you’ve ever been. Besides the part of your life pre diagnosis. Nothing was certain yet, but you were hopeful. Hope... another something you hadn’t had in a long while. 

John had gone back to Wisconsin about 2 weeks ago to spend time with his own family and had offered for you to come up and spend time with him when you were feeling better. He wanted you to meet his parents. That’s so gay. You probably weren’t going to be leaving Texas this summer though. You wanted this treatment to take, so your doctor advised that you stay in town where she was only a drive away and your brother could watch over you. Not that he was home all that much. He was too busy earning a mysterious income. Smuppet porn. Definitely smuppets. He comes home smelling like felt and perversion. 

You had to call John to tell him the good news since he was so far away. You were a little nervous to hear his voice again, it had been a couple days since your last phone call. You let it ring once, then twice before he answered. “Hey Dave! I’m a little busy right now, I’m at orientation trying to recruit people.”

“Oh shit, orientation.” That’s right. College is still a thing.

“Yeah… You wouldn’t happen to be coming would you?”

“I’m still in Texas. With cancer. Literally dying. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”

“Pfft. What are you going to do when you beat cancer? What’s your excuse then?”

“Oh yeah, speaking of beating cancer…” 

Pause for dramatic effect and to toy with the emotions of a loved one while being an absolute ass.

“DAVE.”

“The treatment is effective and once the tumor’s shrunk enough I’m going to have another surgery and then I’m going to be on the list of ‘survivors’ if everything goes well. I think I deserve a reward or something.”

“Dave! This is amazing! When did you find out? How long until the surgery? Are you going to be coming back to school this year? When do you think it’ll be safe for you to travel? Or should I come down there for your surgery? Like emotional-”

“John, I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. You may think I am an ominous being, but I am not. I am only a strider. A close second.”

“Ok, well are you at least going to register for this year? You can always… drop out, if it doesn’t work for you. I’m sure they have, like, a cancer clause or something. I really wanna see you again, though.”

“Yeah, I know… Don’t you have people to recruit or something?”

“Yep, but I just like talking to my boyfriend more.”

“Woooow. Pulling out the B word to try to get me to enroll again. That wasn’t even sneaky and you know it.”

Then, in a hushed tone he said, “Yep, someone’s here, I love you, don’t forget to enroll again, bye!” Why do people just keep hanging up on you? Just because they have things to do and you’re sitting here doing nothing.

Nothing but determining whether or not to enroll again. Enrolling would make you happy, that’s for sure, but it might cost your health, and if you put your health first then your grades might slip. If you think about this for long you’ll probably get a massive headache. This shouldn’t be that hard. You stared at the uni’s website, trying to decide what would be best for you when your phone pulsed on your bedsheets somewhere. SOMEWHERE. You began tossing the sheets recklessly until something fell to the ground.

**Eggbutt: I just signed you up for my musical so you have to come audition now! __**

__Ok, yep, you’re enrolling even if you miss the first week or two. There’s gotta be a cancer clause or something... right?_ _

__**You: dumbass <3**_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may notice that I made this a series. But it's more like a "I wanted to publish some more fluff and smut from this au that I wrote but didn't want to publish within the plot" kind of thing. So unfortunately, I'm done writing it, but now I can move onto other things, start anew, and even write for other ships and _**if anyone would like me to write for a specific ship**_ I bet I could do it! (It doesn't even have to be from this fandom)


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